Monday 27 February 2012

As Easy As ABC!

So, I’ve been tagged in another MeMe so here is another chance to find out about the girl (yes in my head I’m still a girl!) behind the blog!

So, this one has been awarded to me by the lovely Tricky Customer (an amazing woman & fabulous Mummy) and is called the ABC Award.

The idea is for me to put a word to describe myself next to each letter of the alphabet! Should be interesting! Here goes!

A ngels

B ouncy

C at person

D oughnut (childhood nickname)

E nthusiastic

F riendly

G irly

H onest

I ndependent

J ogger

K ind

L ove to laugh

M oany

N aughty

O pen-minded

P ersonable

Q uackers

R eiki

S piritual

T rainer

U nderstanding

V ivacious (when you get to know me)

W ino (mines a red…but not when pregnant) – maybe I should have put that under L for Lush

X enial

Y oung at heart

Z onked

Wow, that was quite challenging! Now to pass the challenge to some other lovely bloggers:



The Life of Kelly, Mum, Employee, Lover

Friday 24 February 2012

Finding Me Again!

Everyone tells you that being a parent is the hardest job in the world – though often only after its too late and you are up the duff or in the first few weeks of a newborn when you find yourself in a heap on the floor in a mess of snot & tissues trying to remember what it was like to not feel tired – before you decide to have a baby its all, having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you…etc etc.

(This is when I ask myself “why am I doing it again?)

But, to be fair, even if they did tell you, you wouldn’t be able to imagine – its tough in ways that can’t be explained and in ways you can never imagine.

For some, its a natural experience – they were ‘born to be mummies/daddies’ and they breeze through parenthood effortlessly producing well turned out, well mannered, well adjusted individuals and share stories and photos of baking, craft work, fun days out that don’t cost a penny but everyone enjoys. Its so hard for us ‘other’ parents who don’t find parenthood such a natural experience to not compare ourselves to them wishing longingly that we were a supermum like them!

For some of us ‘other’ mums, we realise that being a Stay at Home Mum just isn’t for us! But when you come to that realisation that, actually, you’d rather be working than bringing up your children, you question whether you are a failure? Have I failed at the most important job of them all – when so many others can manage it so effortlessly, why have I struggled, why can’t I cope?

Recently, I have realised that I’m not alone! Recently, my twitter timeline has been full of other parents coming to the realisation and confiding in others that, actually, they’re not sure being a SAHM is all they hoped it would be. They are coming to accept that perhaps it is harder work than they ever knew and they need a break…by returning to work (whether it be part or full time – whatever works for them). After all, there are places and people out there that are full of people that ARE trained to look after children all day – they have college years and certificates to show for it so can clearly do a better job than I can and, after all, they ENJOY doing it! That is their job! They chose to do it! OK, so I know I chose to be a parent too but I also chose a career for myself – I also chose my other life which I actually loved very much and never had any intention of giving up!

My friend recently asked me to review an article she had written about being a mum AND maintaining their individual status. It was reading through this article that it dawned on me exactly why I had become so low.

I look at myself now, struggling to drag myself out of bed every morning, scraping my hair back on a Thursday or Friday to take Callum to nursery. I may put on make-up once or twice a week and often when I intend to add a bit of colour to my face to stop me looking tired and drawn, it quickly slips my mind. All my friends are either members of m family or are other mums like me who I only see with their children. I love them to pieces and wouldn’t do without my mummy friends, don’t get me wrong, but occasionally I want to remember who I am aside from being mum. So when it comes to a childfree Thursday when I do not need to clean or study (that’s my joy on a Friday) what do I do? I have no idea! I mope! I’ve no where to go, no one to see who isn’t a mum – no non-mum conversations to have. I’ve no job to go to and no life outside of being a mother. I’ve lost me!

This is not who I wanted to be!

Working gives me the independence I’ve always craved since a 16 year old girl. I moved out of home at 17 because I so desperately craved my independence. Working gives me a life that is my own – not my husband’s, not my son’s, not my family’s – mine! It gives me my own friends. I enjoy being me! I enjoy putting on make-up, wearing a pair of heels and attempting to look good, for me!

Where did all that go?

When I realise who I am now and everything I am not but want to be, the tears start to fall! Its time to admit it, I am NOT a SAHM! Its time I went back to work! Everyone keeps saying, but you’re pregnant now, you may as well wait until after the baby – and then you’ll be raising 2 so you may as well wait a couple of years. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Please! Someone! Tell me this doesn’t have to be the case. I want to work now, pregnant or not! When I’ve had my second child, I want to go back to work! I will look after my newborn baby and will enjoy my time raising him or her for the beginning of his or her life but as soon as I feel ready I want to go back to work! Scrub want…I NEED to go back to work!

I accept it! I’m taking me back! I’m getting my life back! I’m going back to work!

And does that make me a failure? No! I don’t think it does – it makes me a better person for realising what my strengths & weaknesses are and what makes me happy. At the end of the day, we are also always told “Happy Mum, Happy Child” and I know that I can be a better mum, a happier mum and offer Callum & my unborn child a lot more if I go back to work. But this time, I admit, I’m going to try to get the balance right – I’m going to try to do both. I want to work part-time so I can see if I can be a mum and be me!

Time to open a new chapter! Wish me luck!

Erm…..can someone give me a job please…..?

Oh, and going back to the first paragraph, I have to admit, those people who said “having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you” were actually right – I may not be good at being a SAHM but I wouldn’t take back having children for the world. You can’t explain the love you feel for your child and the unconditional love they have for you. It is the most wonderful experience I can imagine!

Tuesday 21 February 2012

14 Weeks, 4 Days

Starting to feel very pregnant now. Definitely a pregnant bump there! I measured my bump last week and I had grown 3 cms in about 3 days.

And it appears I’m putting on the ‘weight’ everywhere, especially going by my Mum’s comments last night - apparently my bum is rather huge…thank you Mum.

I’m telling myself its what happens when you are pregnant with a girl, there is meant to be more of a spread than a bump but I suspect it has more to do with the chocolate bars and the luxury hot chocolates (with whipped cream, marshmallows and sometimes even a flake) I’ve been consuming! Again, the bump is quite different to Callum’s all out front bump but it is hard to compare because I started bigger than I started with Callum, by about 11 lbs so I’m bound to look different to then.

I’m trying to counteract at least some of the chocolate by doing some form of exercise. I go  swimming once a week, when Callum is having his swimming lesson. I managed a whole 20 lengths this week and if I don’t tell you otherwise, you may think that is of an olympic sized poor so I wont tell you otherwise…! I am also trying to do a long walk once or twice a week. This week I managed a 30 minute walk which I was disappointed to find out was only a mile and a half but made up for it today with walking over 7 miles!!! Surprised smileThink I might have overdone it today though! It was such a lovely day and, as my parents had Callum for the night before, we wanted to take advantage of our childfree morning so, after a yummy breakfast overlooking the sea at Southbourne, we walked to Hengistbury head and back. Needless to say, I have a few aches & pains now…but so does Stuart!


I’ve also been thinking I’ve felt a couple of nudges in my bladder. I’m not sure that this is possible as most people don’t feel anything until 18 weeks and I’ve felt ‘phantom’ movements ever since I had Callum. I felt ‘flutters’ at about 16 weeks I think with Callum so I know that was early but really don’t think it is possible at 14 weeks, especially considering the baby is only about 8 cm’s long! But twice, when my bladder has been full, I’ve felt an uncomfortable nudge and it is a feeling I recognise from when I was pregnant before – and not one I’ve felt as a phantom nudge. Who knows!? I’ll let you know if it happens again.

Tuesday 14 February 2012

Do you mind if its a girl or a boy?

The question I dread being asked. I am not comfortable with lying so I’m trying not to but feel its easier to explain my answer in written form. My answer is controversial and a big ‘faux pas’ when it comes to answering the many stock pregnancy questions you’ll be asked over the 9 months – its not correct pregnancy etiquette I don’t believe. So, here it is:

Actually, yes, I want a little girl!

Will I be disappointed if it is a boy?

Well, yes I will. I wanted Callum to be a girl and was disappointed when they told me he was a boy even though I knew instinctively he was all the time while I was pregnant.

Yes, of course, I want the ‘as long as he or she is healthy’ option. I’m not going to send the baby back if its a boy, I’m not going to love him any less – I adore Callum and would never be without him. There are many positive reasons for having 2 the same sex – same clothes, same toys, hopefully great friends as well as brothers among others. If this one is a boy I will love it with all my heart – that’s not going to change.

I do also appreciate that I am very lucky to have one child let alone get pregnant with a second child. I’m in awe of our bodies and I am, ultimately, grateful for my gifts. That’s simple – no doubt about it. However, it doesn’t change the fact that if I could go to a shop and pick that my choice would be a girl.

Ever since I was little I have this picture of me with a little girl – being best friends, doing her hair, her confiding in me and trusting me as her mother. Yeah I know – chances of that actually happening are slim. We’ll clash, be at each other’s throats, she’ll say she hates me, steal my make-up…or me hers. But its a dream. We are allowed to dream.

Most women have a dream wedding that they’ve planned ever since they were playing with Barbies. That’s just what little girls…and bigger girls…do. I didn’t have my wedding planned out except for saying all I wanted was a bbq in the back garden. Well I had a bbq over-looking the Mediterranean instead so kinda did get my dream but I didn’t have the dress, bridesmaids, flowers, colour etc all planned out since I was little. That wasn’t/isn’t me.

But I did have a dream of one day having a daughter.

I’m sorry if that makes me evil and a bad human being but I’m afraid that’s how I really feel!

If anyone does ask, I’m telling them – I’ve ordered a little girl. I went to an hour of mediumship at a psychic fayre a while back and was told I would be pregnant very shortly and it would be the opposite to whatever I already had. I’ve asked Callum (and of course he is an all seeing wise one…) and he said its a girl. Stuart asked Callum what he wanted and he said a boy so we asked him again if he thought I was having a boy and he said no, it was a girl. So, all is on track for girl so far.

I tried the dowsing crystal and it didn’t say either way – I wonder if it is still too early so may try again just before 20 week scan when we will be finding out sex this time – assuming baby complies!

Friday 10 February 2012

Rainy Days & Mondays

(I wrote this a few weeks back but didn’t feel brave enough to post – have since talked things over with Stuart and family so feeling brave enough to post it)

Not been feeling too ‘bright’ recently – winter is really getting me down. I’ve never been a fan of winter and by this time of year it feels too long already. Its not unusual for me to feel down when the grey days start to mount up but this is different. I am wondering whether the hormone mania that is pregnancy heightens these feelings so making me more likely to suffer with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I’ve never been diagnosed with this and I don’t want to make light of the condition but I’m finding things really hard just now and can’t put any other label to it – and I don’t just think it is pregnancy hormones alone.

Its true that Callum has been a completely monkey (sod!) recently. Doing naughty things that he wouldn’t normally even consider and even when he isn’t being naughty he is being hard work – so that obviously isn’t helping. But the question is, is he contributing to me being down or is my being down contributing to his naughtiness?

I don’t think it is actual ante-natal depression. Friends that have had ante-natal depression describe it as worse than what I am feeling. I tried to think back to the last time I felt this down over winter and it was the last time I was pregnant.

So how am I feeling? I don’t want to get up in the morning, I could quite easily stay in bed all day. The thought of going downstairs and seeing the lounge in a mess and the dishes from last night still in the kitchen. I know I should be doing these jobs before I go to bed if I dread it so much but when I sit down in the evening I’m knackered and don’t want to do another thing – just chill! When I decide I want to go to bed I want to go straight away! Even if I continue to watch tv in bed. I feel so lazy but that’s just what I’m like in the evenings – I’ve always been a morning rather than evening person…usually.

When I do get up, I take my time to get showered and dressed but once I am I get on with the jobs I have to do – tidying, washing up, laundry etc.

If the day is miserable, I could quite easily go back to bed but I’ve got Callum to look after. I don’t want to go out in the damp and cold miserable day. Nothing I can think of to do feels me with any enthusiasm. If I plan things to do then I get up and do them but I would always rather be at home. Normally, being inside all the time would give me cabin fever but not at the moment – I’d be quite happy there! That’s not always possible with Callum or fair on him so I do try to make myself do something even if it just walk to the supermarket.

I’m moaning all the time – Stuart will tell you. I’m a miserable cow! I’ve not got enough to be this miserable about. I’m having a baby, I’m moving to a lovely new house – things are good, so why am I this miserable? I want to shake myself and tell myself to pull it together, there are so many people out there that are having it hard, I don’t have a right to be miserable but I can’t help it.

If the day is sunny, I have a little more spark and want to get outside before it disappears but then when I am out I’m almost in a panic that it is about to disappear and start feeling miserable again…and inevitably the sun does disappear.

I’m willing it to be spring again. My only joy at the moment is the days are starting to get lighter earlier.

Its not even been a bad winter – it has been incredibly mild. Admittedly, we are going through a cold spot now but I can’t really complain about the rest of the winter.

I keep looking at the weather report willing for it to be warmer and nice – we are only in February, a long way from any warmth or feelings of spring! Can I sleep/hibernate through the next couple of months please?

Saturday 4 February 2012

Its Official – There is a Baby in There! 12 + 2

We had our 12 week scan yesterday and can confirm there is a baby in there – and just the one at that despite my size – and we saw 2 arms, 2 legs and a little heart beat!

Stuart took the day off work so after I had dropped Callum off at nursery, Stuart and I headed to Bournemouth Hospital for our 10.15am appointment.

We actually got there at 10am but in true NHS hospital style, we didn’t get seen until about 10.45am I think it must’ve been.`

Unlike my last 12 week scan with Callum, I was supposed to go with a full bladder. I hopped up on the bed and got lubed up on my belly and on she went with the probey thing. Quite quickly a murky picture of a baby appeared.

She showed us various body parts and the beating heart but she was struggling to get clear shots for my file and the photos so I tried emptying my bladder but when that still wasn’t helping much, she suggested a vaginal probe for clearer shots Surprised smile. Then she said it was like a tampon – SHE LIED!!!! In fairness it wasn’t ‘that’ uncomfortable except when wiggling it about to try to get baby to move from its back to its side (did she not remember just where that probe was????) which it wasn’t interested in doing in the slightest, and also when she manoeuvred it to take photos of my ovaries (who wouldn’t want photos of a fuzzy black blob of an ovary? – one for the family photo album Madam?). Anyway, she took a couple of shots but baby wasn’t interested in moving again and then fell asleep so we gave up getting an better shots or measurements!

She did point out the stomach and explained that at least one kidney must be working – how incredible is that? Little Dot is 5 cm long and already has a working kidney? The human body really is an amazing thing!

After that we had to wait around again for about another 15-20 minutes for blood test. After that we booked in the 20 week scan for Thursday, 29 March then headed off for a spot of lunch in Christchurch.

Later that afternoon we signed the contract for our new house too so an exciting day for multiple reasons!

So now we are public and I can get back to the thoughts of “what the hell have we done?” for the next 6.5 months!

And I must buy some new maternity clothes – there’s no way I’m squeezing into my normal clothes any more and all my current maternity clothes are for summer – vesty tops, white skirts and white trousers! Bring on the shopping!.

Here are the scan photos – they are photos of the scans as we don’t have a scanner so not as clear  as they may otherwise be,


Looking directly at us (the alien shot)



Sideways profile


Footprint and arms