Still in Denial - 19 Weeks, 6 Days

The time is really starting to fly now, at last. However I’m still in an element of denial. Even with the baby now moving regularly – getting stronger but still not noticeable externally (i.e. Stuart can’t feel it) – I still don’t quite believe I’m pregnant. I guess more so now that I’ve finally got my energy back and I feel much more like me…apart from my inability to bend in the middle! Didn’t like that other body invader that brought with it the bouts of the blues…the sickness I could just about cope with but feeling down really isn’t me!

My bump is sprouting rapidly but I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself. Sometimes my bump is hard and looks every bit the baby bump it is but other times (I guess when baby sits back a bit) it is soft again and I still look oddly fat – oddly as in I’m a weird shape for an overweight person with all the weight up front.

I was pleased though when someone took the plunge today and chanced saying “and I see another one is on he way”. Must have been looking more bumpy than a tubby odd ball!

Maybe after Thursday it will feel a bit more real! We have our 20 week scan. I’m a little nervous to tell you the truth – primarily, as always, about whether everything is ok but also because we hope to find out the sex. I don’t know why this makes me nervous.

Having just done my dowsing crystal to try to predict sex of the baby it started off saying boy to begin with with a gentle sway but then turned strongly to a girl. I guess we shall have to wait and see…

Callum is still being cute where the baby is concerned. Lots of “Hello Baby” and kisses and cuddles. He actually says “I want to cuddle the baby”. He has also started a cheeky way of trying to stretch out bedtime and get a repeat of his bedtime story. When calls of “again” aren’t successful he says “baby read it”. How can I refuse? It makes for a boring story, however, as you have to listen very very carefully to hear baby read it – I basically turn the pages in front of my bump without saying anything.

He he – cruel mummy!

Finding Me Again!

Everyone tells you that being a parent is the hardest job in the world – though often only after its too late and you are up the duff or in the first few weeks of a newborn when you find yourself in a heap on the floor in a mess of snot & tissues trying to remember what it was like to not feel tired – before you decide to have a baby its all, having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you…etc etc.

(This is when I ask myself “why am I doing it again?)

But, to be fair, even if they did tell you, you wouldn’t be able to imagine – its tough in ways that can’t be explained and in ways you can never imagine.

For some, its a natural experience – they were ‘born to be mummies/daddies’ and they breeze through parenthood effortlessly producing well turned out, well mannered, well adjusted individuals and share stories and photos of baking, craft work, fun days out that don’t cost a penny but everyone enjoys. Its so hard for us ‘other’ parents who don’t find parenthood such a natural experience to not compare ourselves to them wishing longingly that we were a supermum like them!

For some of us ‘other’ mums, we realise that being a Stay at Home Mum just isn’t for us! But when you come to that realisation that, actually, you’d rather be working than bringing up your children, you question whether you are a failure? Have I failed at the most important job of them all – when so many others can manage it so effortlessly, why have I struggled, why can’t I cope?

Recently, I have realised that I’m not alone! Recently, my twitter timeline has been full of other parents coming to the realisation and confiding in others that, actually, they’re not sure being a SAHM is all they hoped it would be. They are coming to accept that perhaps it is harder work than they ever knew and they need a break…by returning to work (whether it be part or full time – whatever works for them). After all, there are places and people out there that are full of people that ARE trained to look after children all day – they have college years and certificates to show for it so can clearly do a better job than I can and, after all, they ENJOY doing it! That is their job! They chose to do it! OK, so I know I chose to be a parent too but I also chose a career for myself – I also chose my other life which I actually loved very much and never had any intention of giving up!

My friend recently asked me to review an article she had written about being a mum AND maintaining their individual status. It was reading through this article that it dawned on me exactly why I had become so low.

I look at myself now, struggling to drag myself out of bed every morning, scraping my hair back on a Thursday or Friday to take Callum to nursery. I may put on make-up once or twice a week and often when I intend to add a bit of colour to my face to stop me looking tired and drawn, it quickly slips my mind. All my friends are either members of m family or are other mums like me who I only see with their children. I love them to pieces and wouldn’t do without my mummy friends, don’t get me wrong, but occasionally I want to remember who I am aside from being mum. So when it comes to a childfree Thursday when I do not need to clean or study (that’s my joy on a Friday) what do I do? I have no idea! I mope! I’ve no where to go, no one to see who isn’t a mum – no non-mum conversations to have. I’ve no job to go to and no life outside of being a mother. I’ve lost me!

This is not who I wanted to be!

Working gives me the independence I’ve always craved since a 16 year old girl. I moved out of home at 17 because I so desperately craved my independence. Working gives me a life that is my own – not my husband’s, not my son’s, not my family’s – mine! It gives me my own friends. I enjoy being me! I enjoy putting on make-up, wearing a pair of heels and attempting to look good, for me!

Where did all that go?

When I realise who I am now and everything I am not but want to be, the tears start to fall! Its time to admit it, I am NOT a SAHM! Its time I went back to work! Everyone keeps saying, but you’re pregnant now, you may as well wait until after the baby – and then you’ll be raising 2 so you may as well wait a couple of years. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Please! Someone! Tell me this doesn’t have to be the case. I want to work now, pregnant or not! When I’ve had my second child, I want to go back to work! I will look after my newborn baby and will enjoy my time raising him or her for the beginning of his or her life but as soon as I feel ready I want to go back to work! Scrub want…I NEED to go back to work!

I accept it! I’m taking me back! I’m getting my life back! I’m going back to work!

And does that make me a failure? No! I don’t think it does – it makes me a better person for realising what my strengths & weaknesses are and what makes me happy. At the end of the day, we are also always told “Happy Mum, Happy Child” and I know that I can be a better mum, a happier mum and offer Callum & my unborn child a lot more if I go back to work. But this time, I admit, I’m going to try to get the balance right – I’m going to try to do both. I want to work part-time so I can see if I can be a mum and be me!

Time to open a new chapter! Wish me luck!

Erm…..can someone give me a job please…..?

Oh, and going back to the first paragraph, I have to admit, those people who said “having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you” were actually right – I may not be good at being a SAHM but I wouldn’t take back having children for the world. You can’t explain the love you feel for your child and the unconditional love they have for you. It is the most wonderful experience I can imagine!

Rainy Days & Mondays

(I wrote this a few weeks back but didn’t feel brave enough to post – have since talked things over with Stuart and family so feeling brave enough to post it)

Not been feeling too ‘bright’ recently – winter is really getting me down. I’ve never been a fan of winter and by this time of year it feels too long already. Its not unusual for me to feel down when the grey days start to mount up but this is different. I am wondering whether the hormone mania that is pregnancy heightens these feelings so making me more likely to suffer with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I’ve never been diagnosed with this and I don’t want to make light of the condition but I’m finding things really hard just now and can’t put any other label to it – and I don’t just think it is pregnancy hormones alone.

Its true that Callum has been a completely monkey (sod!) recently. Doing naughty things that he wouldn’t normally even consider and even when he isn’t being naughty he is being hard work – so that obviously isn’t helping. But the question is, is he contributing to me being down or is my being down contributing to his naughtiness?

I don’t think it is actual ante-natal depression. Friends that have had ante-natal depression describe it as worse than what I am feeling. I tried to think back to the last time I felt this down over winter and it was the last time I was pregnant.

So how am I feeling? I don’t want to get up in the morning, I could quite easily stay in bed all day. The thought of going downstairs and seeing the lounge in a mess and the dishes from last night still in the kitchen. I know I should be doing these jobs before I go to bed if I dread it so much but when I sit down in the evening I’m knackered and don’t want to do another thing – just chill! When I decide I want to go to bed I want to go straight away! Even if I continue to watch tv in bed. I feel so lazy but that’s just what I’m like in the evenings – I’ve always been a morning rather than evening person…usually.

When I do get up, I take my time to get showered and dressed but once I am I get on with the jobs I have to do – tidying, washing up, laundry etc.

If the day is miserable, I could quite easily go back to bed but I’ve got Callum to look after. I don’t want to go out in the damp and cold miserable day. Nothing I can think of to do feels me with any enthusiasm. If I plan things to do then I get up and do them but I would always rather be at home. Normally, being inside all the time would give me cabin fever but not at the moment – I’d be quite happy there! That’s not always possible with Callum or fair on him so I do try to make myself do something even if it just walk to the supermarket.

I’m moaning all the time – Stuart will tell you. I’m a miserable cow! I’ve not got enough to be this miserable about. I’m having a baby, I’m moving to a lovely new house – things are good, so why am I this miserable? I want to shake myself and tell myself to pull it together, there are so many people out there that are having it hard, I don’t have a right to be miserable but I can’t help it.

If the day is sunny, I have a little more spark and want to get outside before it disappears but then when I am out I’m almost in a panic that it is about to disappear and start feeling miserable again…and inevitably the sun does disappear.

I’m willing it to be spring again. My only joy at the moment is the days are starting to get lighter earlier.

Its not even been a bad winter – it has been incredibly mild. Admittedly, we are going through a cold spot now but I can’t really complain about the rest of the winter.

I keep looking at the weather report willing for it to be warmer and nice – we are only in February, a long way from any warmth or feelings of spring! Can I sleep/hibernate through the next couple of months please?