Time is a gift and not to be wasted

Occasionally, there will be an event, a tragedy, a moment, something said, that makes you take a look at yourself and you realise you need to change, that your priorities are wrong.

It is unfortunate that so often it takes for something negative to lead you to do this but as long as we learn from our lessons and take something positive from it, we are only human and we should forgive ourselves.

A couple of these things happened last week that made me look introspectively at myself & realise I needed to change.

The first being the tragic and very unexpected loss of a young baby girl’s life. At just 9 months with no warning. I can’t even begin to imagine what her family are going through. They are the thoughts that when you have children you try constantly to push back into the darkest depths of your subconscious. My thoughts now go out to them. This unimaginable tragedy happened to a Mummy on Twitter, a mummy blogger which for some reason our paths haven’t before crossed on Twitter but she and her family have clearly touched so many and my Twitter timeline was full of fellow Tweeters paying their respects for her sad loss.

I, in no way, wish to compare as I have had no direct experience and everyone’s loss and grief is a personal thing but my poor Mum & (older) Sister have experienced the loss of a baby as my Sister was a twin but sadly, her identical twin sister, passed away at just 6 weeks old. In fact, it is the 39th anniversary of her death next week. Anita  is very much still a part of our family, even for me who wasn’t around when she was born. She is our family Guardian Angel. She is often talked about, talked to and remembered constantly.  A family doesn’t ever really get over that type of tragedy even though you learn to move on.

For this reason, I have been a little more aware, a little more nervous for the first 6 weeks of both my babies’ lives than perhaps I would’ve been. To know that after 9 months of carrying this little growing life inside you that you bring safely into this world, learn to love, get to know, ready to protect with your own life, then suddenly to find they can be taken away from you. As I say, we so often have to push those thoughts away to enable us to live our lives the best we can. I was already anxious for the first 6 weeks but this has reminded me, it can happen any time, 9 months, a year, 5 years, 11 years, 18 years…it is not right when a child goes before their parents whatever the age!

The second thing to make me think was a simple sentence from my Son, Callum. I confess to being a bit rubbish at playing with my children. I have a short attention span for such a thing, especially when it involves imaginary play – which is surprising considering I’ve always wanted to be an actress. I lose patience quickly whenever I try to do creative craft, arty stuff or cooking with Callum so, although I do these things from time to time, I no where near do them often enough.

I am also rubbish during the winter at getting motivated to getting outside the house so, unless I have something planned in advance, I can quite easily waste a day inside doing not a lot.

The worst thing I can do first thing in the morning, is pick up my laptop. For there I am glued until I am made to move by the needs of one of my children or my own hunger, thirst or call of nature.

What was the simple sentence uttered by my dearest son that made me ashamed and want to change? “Mummy I don’t like it when you sit here all the time” referring to usual position of my arse sat on the sofa with my laptop on my lap, or close by if I’m holding Millie

Shit! I can sometimes be a really crap mother!

I said to Stuart recently, I need to make the most of these days I am at home (not working) with the children and really appreciate them as before long I’ll be back on the hunt for a job and the likelihood will be that I get a full time job. Callum will be in school and Millie in nursery. I wont ever get these days back again. So why the hell am I wasting them? Why am I not grabbing every day and making it a memory?

So I’ve made a plan. I would say a promise but I don’t believe in promises as sometimes promises have to be broken and I don’t like broken promises. So I am going to say I’m really going to try my damned hardest to stick to this.

I am going to spend more time with and enjoying my children.

Should I not have any plans to meet a friend or my family I am going to go out to parks, soft play, walks, the beach, farms etc. These things don’t have to be expensive and are quite often free. Callum loves looking around pet shops or fish shops (the aquarium kind not the fried type). Once a fortnight I will try to either bake or get arty with Callum and/or Millie (admittedly a little more difficult with Millie). I will try to make myself join in games with Callum, especially when Millie is sleeping.

To ensure this happens, I have to limit my computer use so I propose the following:

• I will not pick up my laptop Monday to Wednesday until the evening/children are in bed unless Callum is happily watching a DVD (which isn’t actually that often).
• On Thursdays and Fridays, when Callum is at nursery, I will limit my laptop time to when Millie is napping and again once children are in bed.
• I will allow myself to use my phone during the above times unless I notice this taking over important family time.

I think this is realistic and should be easy to stick to.

I am not perfect and I may slip into bad habits from time to time but hopefully, by writing it down, I am more committed and can remind myself of what I have pledged by reading this back. I want to be a better Mummy and I want to make the most of these days so we can all look back at the memories we’ve made.

Monkeymoo, Wigglywoo & Fattybumbum–16 Weeks, 4 Days

So, Monkeymoo is Callum. Just a quick update really as I’m pleased to say, there’s not much to report…which is good news where Callum’s concerned! After the strained times of not so long ago when he really was being a little monkey (can think of a few other words for his behaviour too but I’ll refrain), I can safely say he is back to his usual good self with just the occasional monkey behaviour.

He is still swimming and loving it. I’m noticing small improvements each week – not ground breaking but all going in the right direction. He is great underwater but still not very good at propelling himself forward.

We’ve had a couple of lovely days on the beach now that we are starting to get a few more sunny days. Even when it was only 4 degrees the other week we were on the beach enjoying the sunshine making sandcastles!

Wigglywoo – that’d be the belly invader! I had my 16 week midwife appointment on Friday. I’m pleased to report my blood pressure was normal. So delighted about that as that was one of my ‘issues’ when pregnant with Callum and why I was induced rather than allow me to progress naturally when my waters broke at 36 weeks. Also, we got to hear the heartbeat – and it kept having a wiggle while listening. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean I’m feeling movements yet. The MW kept asking if I felt it as it wiggled but I didn’t feel a thing.

I had a list of questions to ask her but it was a mental list so some of them were forgot but I did get most of them in.

I asked if she knew of any antenatal refresher classes. We have enquired with the NCT as they have a refresher course on 21 July but being as it is only 3.5 weeks before my due date, which was when Callum arrived, I’m a bit nervous about booking it if we are unlikely to get our money back if it happens again and we don’t get to go.

She wasn’t confident but she gave me the details of a lady that runs the normal antenatal classes.

I think we’ll probably end up chancing the NCT course.

I then asked her about antenatal (or is it prenatal, I get confused) pilates and she wasn’t aware or any – just lots of exercise classes for post birth which I knew about.

Next was the birth plan stuff, I know its a bit early but its on my mind. Despite the circumstances of Callum’s birth, with waters breaking early and my BP being high resulting in me being induced, there were elements I would like to repeat if necessary this time round.

I was induced with the syntocin (?) drip rather than the pessary induction method. I’ve heard lots of bad stories of people being induced several times and it not ‘taking’ or them being in labour for days. Considering my labour was less than 9 hours from induction starting to birth, I was keen to go straight to that method and asked about the likelihood of that being possible but unfortunately it is down to the circumstances and how dilated I’d be.

I am aware that not all hospitals do mobile epidurals, which is what I had with Callum (not that I could move anywhere as I was hooked up to the heart-rate monitor) so asked if they did them at Poole. Answer was no, they do continuous epidurals which is a constant drip which is kept topped  up. You can wiggle but you are isolated to the bed and can’t pop to the loo. This would mean a catheter, which I didn’t need last time. This, for me, is really disappointing.

Finally, I enquired about whether they do tours of the maternity ward at the hospital or would there be an opportunity to see it – again a negative answer. They don’t do tours anymore because they were too busy. Another blow!

They really seem quite backward here in comparison to the Royal Surrey, and the services offered in Godalming/Guildford.

So that’s the wigglywoo knews and a bit of the me – the Fattybumbum. Not only for my mothers pleasant compliments about how I’m carrying this pregnancy around my bum/hips and how huge my bum is (not that I’m hung up about that or anything)…but also because, within the last couple of days I appear to have sprouted somewhat!

Here is a photo taken a couple of days ago and then one today…

Obviously, there are factors like angle of photo, the second taken just after dinner, the top vs dress etc but even still – it certainly looks like it’s ‘popped’.

And finally, for my big news…I have a job! I’m about to start working 2 days a week working for  Stuart’s company writing training guides and other stuff. Whoop! The first steps to rediscovering me!

Finding Me Again!

Everyone tells you that being a parent is the hardest job in the world – though often only after its too late and you are up the duff or in the first few weeks of a newborn when you find yourself in a heap on the floor in a mess of snot & tissues trying to remember what it was like to not feel tired – before you decide to have a baby its all, having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you…etc etc.

(This is when I ask myself “why am I doing it again?)

But, to be fair, even if they did tell you, you wouldn’t be able to imagine – its tough in ways that can’t be explained and in ways you can never imagine.

For some, its a natural experience – they were ‘born to be mummies/daddies’ and they breeze through parenthood effortlessly producing well turned out, well mannered, well adjusted individuals and share stories and photos of baking, craft work, fun days out that don’t cost a penny but everyone enjoys. Its so hard for us ‘other’ parents who don’t find parenthood such a natural experience to not compare ourselves to them wishing longingly that we were a supermum like them!

For some of us ‘other’ mums, we realise that being a Stay at Home Mum just isn’t for us! But when you come to that realisation that, actually, you’d rather be working than bringing up your children, you question whether you are a failure? Have I failed at the most important job of them all – when so many others can manage it so effortlessly, why have I struggled, why can’t I cope?

Recently, I have realised that I’m not alone! Recently, my twitter timeline has been full of other parents coming to the realisation and confiding in others that, actually, they’re not sure being a SAHM is all they hoped it would be. They are coming to accept that perhaps it is harder work than they ever knew and they need a break…by returning to work (whether it be part or full time – whatever works for them). After all, there are places and people out there that are full of people that ARE trained to look after children all day – they have college years and certificates to show for it so can clearly do a better job than I can and, after all, they ENJOY doing it! That is their job! They chose to do it! OK, so I know I chose to be a parent too but I also chose a career for myself – I also chose my other life which I actually loved very much and never had any intention of giving up!

My friend recently asked me to review an article she had written about being a mum AND maintaining their individual status. It was reading through this article that it dawned on me exactly why I had become so low.

I look at myself now, struggling to drag myself out of bed every morning, scraping my hair back on a Thursday or Friday to take Callum to nursery. I may put on make-up once or twice a week and often when I intend to add a bit of colour to my face to stop me looking tired and drawn, it quickly slips my mind. All my friends are either members of m family or are other mums like me who I only see with their children. I love them to pieces and wouldn’t do without my mummy friends, don’t get me wrong, but occasionally I want to remember who I am aside from being mum. So when it comes to a childfree Thursday when I do not need to clean or study (that’s my joy on a Friday) what do I do? I have no idea! I mope! I’ve no where to go, no one to see who isn’t a mum – no non-mum conversations to have. I’ve no job to go to and no life outside of being a mother. I’ve lost me!

This is not who I wanted to be!

Working gives me the independence I’ve always craved since a 16 year old girl. I moved out of home at 17 because I so desperately craved my independence. Working gives me a life that is my own – not my husband’s, not my son’s, not my family’s – mine! It gives me my own friends. I enjoy being me! I enjoy putting on make-up, wearing a pair of heels and attempting to look good, for me!

Where did all that go?

When I realise who I am now and everything I am not but want to be, the tears start to fall! Its time to admit it, I am NOT a SAHM! Its time I went back to work! Everyone keeps saying, but you’re pregnant now, you may as well wait until after the baby – and then you’ll be raising 2 so you may as well wait a couple of years. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Please! Someone! Tell me this doesn’t have to be the case. I want to work now, pregnant or not! When I’ve had my second child, I want to go back to work! I will look after my newborn baby and will enjoy my time raising him or her for the beginning of his or her life but as soon as I feel ready I want to go back to work! Scrub want…I NEED to go back to work!

I accept it! I’m taking me back! I’m getting my life back! I’m going back to work!

And does that make me a failure? No! I don’t think it does – it makes me a better person for realising what my strengths & weaknesses are and what makes me happy. At the end of the day, we are also always told “Happy Mum, Happy Child” and I know that I can be a better mum, a happier mum and offer Callum & my unborn child a lot more if I go back to work. But this time, I admit, I’m going to try to get the balance right – I’m going to try to do both. I want to work part-time so I can see if I can be a mum and be me!

Time to open a new chapter! Wish me luck!

Erm…..can someone give me a job please…..?

Oh, and going back to the first paragraph, I have to admit, those people who said “having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you” were actually right – I may not be good at being a SAHM but I wouldn’t take back having children for the world. You can’t explain the love you feel for your child and the unconditional love they have for you. It is the most wonderful experience I can imagine!

“Mummy, I want Broccoli”

The words I never thought I’d hear my son say! And if you’re a long time follower of this blog, you’ll remember the earlier days and will understand why!

Seriously, he disappeared to the kitchen and I heard him open the fridge. The next thing he was calling me saying “Mummy, I want this”, I went to see what it was expecting it to be chocolate buttons or yogurt or such like. When I got in the kitchen there he was holding up said vegetable and said “Mummy, I want Broccoli”. Now, not normally one to refuse my son fruit and veg but it was less than 30 minutes to bedtime and he’d already eaten dinner at nursery plus a snack or two since being home. I didn’t now fancy cooking up some broccoli, so told him so and went back to sit in the lounge.

He comes into the lounge then holding a punnet of mushrooms “I want these”. Now,after all that stress before about how he was never going to eat a vegetable and now my son has gone the other way and turned into a vegetable fiend! So, again I say no, and I look in the fridge for something more suitable. I see a tin of beans in the fridge and think great, a minute or 2 in the microwave (still 1 of your 5 a day) but no, he didn’t want beans, He finally settled on a handful of black pitted olives! A 3 year old eating a bowl of black olives!!! Well at least I didn’t have to cook the broccoli!

So, how did we get to here.

For those that don’t know the past, we did Baby-Led Weaning with Callum. It is meant to bring many benefits, one of which is your child is much less likely to be a fussy eater as they are more open/willing to trying new things. Though, for this to be the case, you have to trust your child’s instincts to try food when they are happy to and to trust s/he will know what food they need at any time. It isn’t uncommon for babies/children to only eat one food for ages then suddenly they’ll reject it and start something else. If you don’t push them and trust them to do it in their own time, they will grow up to be much better eaters (or something like that).

That is easier said than done – when you are a parent and you see your child not getting a balanced diet with nowhere near their 5 a day (even though you continue to ‘offer’ a balanced diet) you start to feel guilty and worry that they are going to get ill or never going to eat a vegetable if you don’t do something, don’t start getting tough!

Callum was also a much better eater and tried a lot more foods before he went to nursery. He went to nursery full time at around 18 months and for the next year to 15 months he had the same meals every single week (a weekly menu that did not change ever week to week). We tried to offer him a variety at weekends but kids like routine and if they find routine they tend cut out everything else. We struggled to get Callum to eat a lot of the foods he was happy to eat before because they weren’t offered at nursery. This was different to him just not wanting them at that time and that he’d like them again later – the only foods he continued to enjoy were the same that were offered at nursery (with the addition of meat, he still liked meat).

Anyway, I was slightly less worried than I could have been because at least Callum still ate fruit regularly. In fact he was (and still is) a real fruit bat! But it was frustrating that he wouldn’t eat a single vegetable (again, even though he ate some, like asparagus, spinach and red pepper, before he went to nursery) and I didn’t want to make up his 5 a day with just fruit (and baked beans).

So here we are now. He happily eats carrots, broccoli, runner beans and peas. In fact, as you can see, he asks to eat them. He’ll go to the fridge, grab a carrot and chomp away.

So what did we do differently, what changed? We went back to the BLW way! We realised that if we were eating something enthusiastically and Callum didn’t have what we had, he would want it, so we would let him try it. We would offer him foods but if he didn’t want to eat or try them, we didn’t push it. I remembered my childhood - I was a very fussy eater. The more people made a fuss about what I didn’t eat, the more they teased me, questioned me, “just try it” they would say over and over again, the more I refused. “You’ll like this when you’re older” my Dad used to say. “No I wont, I don’t like it” I used to say. Now, my Dad was right, but if he knew this, why didn’t he just let me get on with it. I’d like it eventually so what did it matter that I didn’t like it right then. I’d probably have tried it and/or liked it a lot sooner if he hadn’t kept pushing. So we stopped worrying and stopped pushing Callum.

The other thing, I have always encouraged Callum to help me prepare food and cook. This isn’t something that changed but, since he stopped nursery full time and I’ve been a SAHM, he is able to help me a lot more often with preparing and cooking dinners – in particular, he’s own. He loves it and when he is helping me he is keen to try the ingredients we are using. He tries raw foods, he smells herbs and he tastes the cooked food (when I’m checking it for seasoning etc). Because he has been involved with the cooking of it he is usually happily eats it all up. Take spaghetti bolognaise. He helps me cook it and then gobbles up a huge portion. There is plenty left over so I put it in the freezer for a later date. Some time later, I take it out of the freezer for his dinner – he wont touch it!

Remember the basic rule of parenting. The more we stress over every step or milestone, the less likely they are to get there and all that happens is we get a few more grey hairs and knock a few more years off our life. If we have faith that they will get it in their own time, it will all just full into place. So why should food be any different. All I will say is have faith, trust they will get there in their own time, don’t ever stop offering them a wide range of foods but don’t push them, they will get there!

Oh, and don’t forget to look up how much counts as a portion for kids – it really did help to relax me when I found out how little it was. I had thought it was a lot more – probably thinking more in terms of adult portions.

More to Me Than Mummy?

Recently, I've been feeling a bit brighter about life.

I've been 'coping' with being a Stay At Home Mum ("SAHM") helped by keeping my days busy. This week for example:

Monday - am: Callum is in nursery and went for a run (3.7miles this week!) then I cleaned (never enough time to do a whole house in 2 hours so half always remains unclean!!) before picking Callum up after lunch; pm: got the bus into Bournemouth for shopping and a play on the beach, walking back along the sea front in time for dinner

Tuesday - am: swimming; pm: wonder around Burley (small New Forrest village) then a couple of mop up cleaning jobs

Wednesday – Mum is over all day so will do a couple of mop up cleaning jobs, receive delivery of food shopping then head into town for a mooch. Hopefully, will squeeze in a run when mum arrives.

Thursday – Babysitting (well, he is a 12 year old boy, hardly a baby!!!) for my sister and getting an ooochy ouchy wax (say no more!)

Friday – Callum’s first full (after last week’s never happened) day at nursery when I will be putting my head down to study after a quick mum’s meet with some Twitter peops.

Writing it all down like that, there seems very little in there for Callum but we do something for him each day. Admittedly, more often it is the beach (its still a novelty) but sometimes it’ll  be the park, he enjoys playing with my niece, the visit to Burley today was for him so we could see some New Forest ponies. OK, so the ponies didn’t want to be seen today but we did see a couple of donkeys about 200 meters away. And, of course, the swimming this morning was for him – though I do enjoy it too.

But even keeping busy, and even though it sounds like I’m doing a lot for me, I still struggle mentally once in a while. Like today! I did enjoy swimming but then after swimming I just,well,couldn’t be bothered. I felt like saying “I’m booooorrreeeed” like I did as a grumpy teenager in the school summer holidays. I didn’t want to return home as I would have to clean and that was like my mum saying “well tidy your room if your bored”! But I didn’t want to do anything either. I’m spoilt, I live in a wonderful place but today I felt like I’d already exhausted a lot of it. I haven’t – there is so much I haven’t done or seen – but they are still the same ‘kind of things’ even if they are in different places. I’m feeling my rut closing in on me. I’m losing the will to want to look for work but am quietly panicking inside that this is it for the rest of my life and I wont be able to get back to doing the work I enjoy, have been building my experience up for, am becoming more qualified to do.

This ‘job in the pipeline’ is still there but I am waiting! Waiting for someone else to shout jump and I’m not good at waiting. Once someone has an idea, I like to take action immediately otherwise I start to get the fear that it’ll never happen…and often never does. I hate procrastinating.

But today, I am sure, is just a blip…tomorrow, next week, soon…I will be back fighting again, spurred on by a glimpse of a different future on a different day. There must be more to me than just being ‘Mummy’. Its probably just alcohol withdrawals – I had the wise (read crazy) idea to only drink alcohol at the weekend. Roll on Friday!