Still in Denial - 19 Weeks, 6 Days

The time is really starting to fly now, at last. However I’m still in an element of denial. Even with the baby now moving regularly – getting stronger but still not noticeable externally (i.e. Stuart can’t feel it) – I still don’t quite believe I’m pregnant. I guess more so now that I’ve finally got my energy back and I feel much more like me…apart from my inability to bend in the middle! Didn’t like that other body invader that brought with it the bouts of the blues…the sickness I could just about cope with but feeling down really isn’t me!

My bump is sprouting rapidly but I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself. Sometimes my bump is hard and looks every bit the baby bump it is but other times (I guess when baby sits back a bit) it is soft again and I still look oddly fat – oddly as in I’m a weird shape for an overweight person with all the weight up front.

I was pleased though when someone took the plunge today and chanced saying “and I see another one is on he way”. Must have been looking more bumpy than a tubby odd ball!

Maybe after Thursday it will feel a bit more real! We have our 20 week scan. I’m a little nervous to tell you the truth – primarily, as always, about whether everything is ok but also because we hope to find out the sex. I don’t know why this makes me nervous.

Having just done my dowsing crystal to try to predict sex of the baby it started off saying boy to begin with with a gentle sway but then turned strongly to a girl. I guess we shall have to wait and see…

Callum is still being cute where the baby is concerned. Lots of “Hello Baby” and kisses and cuddles. He actually says “I want to cuddle the baby”. He has also started a cheeky way of trying to stretch out bedtime and get a repeat of his bedtime story. When calls of “again” aren’t successful he says “baby read it”. How can I refuse? It makes for a boring story, however, as you have to listen very very carefully to hear baby read it – I basically turn the pages in front of my bump without saying anything.

He he – cruel mummy!

Rainy Days & Mondays

(I wrote this a few weeks back but didn’t feel brave enough to post – have since talked things over with Stuart and family so feeling brave enough to post it)

Not been feeling too ‘bright’ recently – winter is really getting me down. I’ve never been a fan of winter and by this time of year it feels too long already. Its not unusual for me to feel down when the grey days start to mount up but this is different. I am wondering whether the hormone mania that is pregnancy heightens these feelings so making me more likely to suffer with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I’ve never been diagnosed with this and I don’t want to make light of the condition but I’m finding things really hard just now and can’t put any other label to it – and I don’t just think it is pregnancy hormones alone.

Its true that Callum has been a completely monkey (sod!) recently. Doing naughty things that he wouldn’t normally even consider and even when he isn’t being naughty he is being hard work – so that obviously isn’t helping. But the question is, is he contributing to me being down or is my being down contributing to his naughtiness?

I don’t think it is actual ante-natal depression. Friends that have had ante-natal depression describe it as worse than what I am feeling. I tried to think back to the last time I felt this down over winter and it was the last time I was pregnant.

So how am I feeling? I don’t want to get up in the morning, I could quite easily stay in bed all day. The thought of going downstairs and seeing the lounge in a mess and the dishes from last night still in the kitchen. I know I should be doing these jobs before I go to bed if I dread it so much but when I sit down in the evening I’m knackered and don’t want to do another thing – just chill! When I decide I want to go to bed I want to go straight away! Even if I continue to watch tv in bed. I feel so lazy but that’s just what I’m like in the evenings – I’ve always been a morning rather than evening person…usually.

When I do get up, I take my time to get showered and dressed but once I am I get on with the jobs I have to do – tidying, washing up, laundry etc.

If the day is miserable, I could quite easily go back to bed but I’ve got Callum to look after. I don’t want to go out in the damp and cold miserable day. Nothing I can think of to do feels me with any enthusiasm. If I plan things to do then I get up and do them but I would always rather be at home. Normally, being inside all the time would give me cabin fever but not at the moment – I’d be quite happy there! That’s not always possible with Callum or fair on him so I do try to make myself do something even if it just walk to the supermarket.

I’m moaning all the time – Stuart will tell you. I’m a miserable cow! I’ve not got enough to be this miserable about. I’m having a baby, I’m moving to a lovely new house – things are good, so why am I this miserable? I want to shake myself and tell myself to pull it together, there are so many people out there that are having it hard, I don’t have a right to be miserable but I can’t help it.

If the day is sunny, I have a little more spark and want to get outside before it disappears but then when I am out I’m almost in a panic that it is about to disappear and start feeling miserable again…and inevitably the sun does disappear.

I’m willing it to be spring again. My only joy at the moment is the days are starting to get lighter earlier.

Its not even been a bad winter – it has been incredibly mild. Admittedly, we are going through a cold spot now but I can’t really complain about the rest of the winter.

I keep looking at the weather report willing for it to be warmer and nice – we are only in February, a long way from any warmth or feelings of spring! Can I sleep/hibernate through the next couple of months please?