Finding a Routine at 8 Months

My 9 months is nearly up and my hunt has begun!

Shortly before giving birth to Millie, Stuart and I discussed my plans for returning to work. It wasn’t a question of would I as I enjoy working – I love the adult interaction, I love my job (as an IT Trainer) and I’ve put a lot of effort into getting where I am in my career so I don’t want to give up on it yet. The question was when. I said I expected I’d be ready around 9 months and as that was when my Maternity Allowance ran out so money would be tight(er than it already was) it seemed like a logical plan. It did mean there would be a few months of full time childcare for 2, however, so finding a job that would cover those costs for those few months would be the biggest challenge.

Well, here I am with Millie just turned 8 months and my job search has begun! Mentally, I was ready to go back after a couple of months but my heart definitely wouldn’t have been ready then and is still struggling a bit now thinking of all the firsts I might miss. I was lucky that I had 18 months with Callum so got to see a lot of his firsts!

But, I know Millie will be fine and I will be a better mummy for working! I’m not me when I’m not working and think I’m often feel quite low as a result.

Anyway, all this talk of work is really unsettling me and making me quite anxious with so much going on in my mind. I may need to write another post to get it all out but for now my thoughts are turned to Millie and routines!

Up until now I have pretty much been baby-led. Not just with weaning but with everything. I’ve been relaxed and gone with Millie’s signals for what she wants when. Therefore, we haven’t really had any fixed daytime routine. We established a nighttime routine around 12 weeks (if not a little before) but Millie has otherwise been fed on demand (which is ‘usually’ 3 hours but sometimes more sometimes less), naps when she yawns and starts to grizzle and sleeps for an unpredictable length of time. When someone asks me about her routine or when she naps, for example if she is being babysat by my parents, its all a bit sketchy! But I realise, if I’m going back to work and Millie will be in full time nursery, they’ll want some kind of routine!

So, consciously but still led by Millie as much as possible, I’ve been trying to establish some kind of routine around times! Looking at her nap and bottle times, it does look like she may be naturally slotting into a routine herself. She still wakes up at random times between 6am and 6.45am so I’ll average that it is 6.30am and this is what I’ve noted for the last week:

6.30am – wake up, bottle, dressed
7.30-8am – breakfast
8.30am-9.15am – nap (45 minutes)
9.30am – bottle
11am-1pm – nap, bottle (2 hours)
1.15pm – lunch
4pm – bottle
5pm – dinner
6.30pm – bottle, bed (sometimes this is nearer 6)

At the moment I’m going to remain quite flexible around this times but keeping them in mind. She is still not guaranteed to sleep through every night – like last night she woke at 10.45 and wouldn’t settle then downed a whole bottle so its hard to be fixed during the day plus I find being too strict just causes me stress and babies do kind of do what they want to do whether you like it or not. As hard as they have been I do think I enjoyed the first 6 months a lot more than with Callum because I was more relaxed and therefore Millie has been a lot easier baby (aside from the not sleeping through at night until later).

Now….about that job….!

Two Weeks of Two

I wont lie to you the past two weeks have been hard!

The first week we were pretty much in newborn bliss! Not saying it was easy – the first two nights were pretty much all nighters for me but at least Stuart was able to let me catch up on sleep at times. Millie slept all day except for feeds so daytimes were manageable. Callum was feeling under the weather so was quite clingy and whingey but didn’t seem to be too concerned by the new addition to the family!

Then Saturday, Stuart noticed he was starting to feel unwell. Sunday, Stuart felt awful but his parents were arriving that day to stay for a couple of nights before they went on their holiday so he struggled to get up and even ventured out to the shops for some supplies.

However, from Monday to Thursday, Stuart was bed bound with a virus resulting in tonsilitus! Stuart’s parents were staying until the Tuesday. This meant I had a newborn and a 4 year old to care for, a sick husband to look after and parents-in-law to entertain and cater for. On top of that, the baby blues had set in. Most days I was a spilt glass of milk away from a teary breakdown with the mornings being the biggest struggle and were often spent in tears!

Stuart’s parents kindly took Callum shopping one day and bought me some supplies, and they also collected a prescription for Stuart for us which was a big help. But I still had to organise meals and play the host to a certain extent and, to be honest, they just weren’t my parents!

I admit to feeling very sorry for myself – cheated out of Stuart’s paternity leave. This was meant to be one of those rare times when I got looked after, I got to rest, sleep, recover and it wasn’t happening. I felt sad that Stuart was missing out on bonding with his new daughter and the father & son time that I felt was long overdue with Callum.

Tuesday, I called my mum, burst into tears and asked if she could come and help. As soon as she arrived she immediately made tea and told me to sit down and rest then took care of the house, Callum & my niece who she was also looking after that day. She is my hero! I’ve never loved & appreciated my mum so much as at that point! 

By this time, I had pulled myself together somewhat so I did feel bad for bursting into tears at her on the phone. As I said before – mornings were hard, I felt overwhelmed and unable to cope. The power of a shower is amazing – it is, most days, the difference between me feeling like I can cope or not. But having my mum there still meant so much.

My sister came over too, picking up some shopping for me on the way.

Both my mum and my sister have been my absolute life savers, calling and checking on me, letting me cry to them and making me feel normal for doing so!

By Friday, Stuart was still feeling rubbish but he forced himself out of bed. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, Stuart tried his hardest to make it up to me, cooking me dinner, looking after Callum, putting Callum to bed, even though he was still recovering himself. We even got out on Saturday to the airshow…eventually! Our first outing as a family of 4 involved leaving the house 2 hours after we were ‘ready to go’ as Stuart grappled with attaching the buggy board to the pushchair and I realised I could no longer leave the house without taking ‘luggage’ (a holdall similar to the size of those which you see passengers squeezing into the hand-luggage guide at airports) which contained ‘just the necessities’…and the kitchen sink!

Sunday was Callum’s birthday. I had gone through lots of guilt and worry during the week about whether we would be able to celebrate Callum’s birthday, whether we would have his present ready etc! Thankfully, my sister and mum picked up a cake, card and wrapping paper for me which instantly made me feel more relaxed about it. We had decided to take Callum to the Gruffalo Trail at Moors Valley and invited my Brother and family and my Sister and family to join us. My brother has a 5 year old son and my sister a 6 year old daughter so they provide good play mates for Callum.

Unfortunately, the weather didn’t conform and it chucked it down all morning meaning we had to have a change of plan. Instead we invited them to us for a birthday lunch and then headed off to the old faithful – softplay! Thankfully, we hadn’t actually told Callum what we had planned so he knew no different and seemed to have a great time regardless!

Now Stuart has returned to work and I’m surviving solo during the days again! I have down days and up days but its still ‘early days’ and we are surviving – Every day I try to have one thing planned and other than that, my only aim is to get up and showered and I’m even managing a few ‘chores’ too. I’m torn at the moment from wanting my wee girl to stay all diddy and newborn looking and being snuggled into my shoulder while she sleeps then on the other hand wanting it to be the next stage of establishing a routine. I really don’t want to hurry her life on I want to savour every moment!

On the breastfeeding front, again, its been tough! Why does Mother Nature make something that is meant to be so ‘natural’ so bloody painful and make the first week of feeding so difficult? You’d think She would make the first week a breeze so that you at least knew what it would be like if you kept at it – its a wonder that any woman makes it through the first week! I wont bore you with it now and make this post longer than it needs to be but expect another post soon!

Locked & Loaded: 40 weeks, 2 days

I had my next MW appointment today for another sweep and to book in my induction.

My BP was really good and no other problems. When she did the sweep, she said the baby was fully engaged, I was 1.5-2 cm dilated, cervix soft & central, waters bulging, braxton hicks occurring! So, seems we are all systems go and are just waiting for the signal!

Because everything is going well, the induction isn’t booked until 29th August in the hope that I’ll go into labour naturally before then. I need to call Poole ante-natal ward on 28th at 7am to confirm all is well and get details of what I need to do etc.

My MW said if I didn’t go into labour before next Tuesday I was to text her so she could get me in again for another sweep and then another on the Thursday if still nothing. Technically, this is one extra sweep than I should have as they normally only do 3 but she wasn’t counting the one at the hospital (as it didn’t do anything) and she wants to give me the best possible chance before the induction.

The sweep itself was a little less uncomfortable than last time and, compared to baby’s movements at the moment which are like someone scratching away at me from the inside with a knitting needle, was a walk in the park!

So still we wait! And bounce! And wait!

I’m very emotional today. Burst into tears this morning because I couldn’t find my knickers! Its a sorry state of affairs when a girl cries over knickers! Then, because I was grumpy and miserable, this affected Callum’s lovely mood and he became emotional too. I felt awful that by the time we got to nursery we were both in tears! I hate it when my moods affect his, especially when he started the morning so well.

Callum is being very sweet at the moment with this morning getting straight up and cleaning his teeth, bringing his clothes to me to get dressed and then making himself his own breakfast. He is so proud of himself. Then yesterday, he went down and made me breakfast in bed of cold dry toast (its the thought that counts!), the day before he cleaned his teeth and got himself dressed in his favourite attire of his England football kit! I hope this keeps up when the baby does arrive but doing all this and being so good then me being all grumpy with him makes me feel so bad and guilty. Rotten Mummy – I need to try and make it up to him tonight!

Finally, I just feel the need to log my weight gain before I have the baby. Amazingly, I’ve still put on less than 2 stone this pregnancy! 1 stone, 10 lb (probably 11 now as weighed a couple of days ago). That feels like an achievable weight to lose after I’ve had the baby!

Putting a price on fun!

Last night I had a rare opportunity to go out for the night. Well, we both did, Stuart and I. It was a work event and as it fell on the Thursday before Good Friday we thought we’d get a babysitter and both go. I had already been thinking of getting a babysitter so we can go out for dinner anyway so it seemed like a good idea.

A contributing factor (though of course not the main or only reason) for us moving to Bournemouth was to be near family. We realised how hard it is to bring up children when you don’t have your family near by. And, of course, a big benefit of being near them is the opportunity of a free babysitter!

However, this doesn’t happen as often or as easily as you’d think. Firstly, there is now my brother and family, my sister and family and ourselves all down this way, all sharing my parents’ kind services. I am transported back to being a kid again when I saw my brother and sister always asking for lifts from my parents so I rarely did but when I did it was always on a night they were busy themselves or just wanted a night off to themselves. My parents are wonderful and my Mum will always put herself out to help us when she can and I am incredibly grateful for all she does but I also appreciate that looking after kids when you are at retirement age is hard work. Not to mention, she is recovering from an ankle operation. Plus I don’t like to take her for granted so I hate asking her. I get nervous and fear her saying no. Not because of the rejection but because I know that if she says no she will feel bad herself for not being able to help and I just feel so much guilt!

But it isn’t just down to my parents, my sister-in-law loves having Callum and has always said if ever we need a babysitter to ask. She has looked after Callum a couple of times. But this weekend is her Birthday weekend so I don’t like to ask. Plus, she has only asked us once if we can help out and we’ve had to say no because its our anniversary. I’d really like to be able to offer our services to her before I feel like we are taking her for granted too.

And then there is my sister. I know she will help out when she can but she has 3 children already so I hate to burden her with another!

In addition to all the above and my ‘mental’ issues with each situation, Thursday is a work day. Each of our babysitting options really require us getting Callum to their house…probably for similar reasons to mentioned above. Maybe more my guilt than there inability but if someone is doing us a favour, I like to make it as easy as possible for them. Being as we were working during the day and then we are off on a day trip today, making picking up this morning difficult, it wasn’t going to be a viable solution to ask family.

So,that leaves the familiar method to many – the Babysitter!

We have a benefit over when we were in Surrey as now we have the nursery staff on hand. Great! Callum’s old nursery didn’t allow it. This one, the Managers don’t encourage it, but it is up to the individual nursery nurses if they want to do it so they stay out of it. This is brilliant and I was thrilled when I found out. I asked how much and the lady I spoke to said usually around £6 but, again it was down to the individual.

When we asked the first time, I think we paid £7 per hour for 4 hours then rounded it up a couple of pound to £30.

Last night I made the mistake of forgetting to ask until we were out! I sent the text thinking the worst it would be was about £8. I was wrong…back comes the text….

“Ern, its entirely up to you. I normally get given about £10 an hour but like I said its entirely up to you.”

What could I say…you’ve probably sussed out by now I’m a wimp! Read above again if you don’t believe me. I couldn’t say when we were already out…”actually, we are only willing to pay you £8”.

So, £10 a bloody hour it was – that’s £40 for 4 hours!!!! On top of whatever Stuart and I each pay out for our drinks etc because we are both out!!! Nowadays, if I spent £40 on drinks alone, I’d think I had had an expensive night but now we have the £40 (at least) on top of whatever we spend!! That makes for one very expensive night. OK, I didn’t actually spend much myself…about £10, but assuming Stuart (who stayed out for about 4 hours longer than I) spent £50 getting rounds, food, entrance fee to clubs etc (so a conservative guess) we are looking at £100 for us both to go out for ONE night!!!!

So then there’s the added pressure to enjoy myself to make that money worthwhile.

I’m sat, pregnant, drinking soft drinks, with 95% of the people I’m out with outside on the balcony smoking in the freezing cold, while I’m inside with the 1 or 2 other people being deafened by a live band unable to hear a word the other two are saying.

Was it worth the money? NO! Was I enjoying myself? Not as much as I would like, no!

It was with a heavy heart I went home at 10.30pm (the original plan being to leave at 11.30) and thought of what I’d much rather be spending the money on.

Then I was in bed by 11.30pm thinking about how I’d just like to go out on a date with my husband and no one else! My new year’s resolution was to go out on a date with Stuart  once a month. We are now in April and how often has that happened? Zero! A big ZERO times! Everytime we get an opportunity to go out it is for someone else’s celebration and we have to use up one of our babysitting chips.

Also, I haven’t been out on my own without Stuart since about October when I went to stay with a friend. Everytime an event is planned for just me, its cancelled.

I’m feeling a bit over this going out lark! Looks like I’m destined for nights in front of the tv with my fluffy socks and chocolate for the time being! Feeling old and pregnant!

Still in Denial - 19 Weeks, 6 Days

The time is really starting to fly now, at last. However I’m still in an element of denial. Even with the baby now moving regularly – getting stronger but still not noticeable externally (i.e. Stuart can’t feel it) – I still don’t quite believe I’m pregnant. I guess more so now that I’ve finally got my energy back and I feel much more like me…apart from my inability to bend in the middle! Didn’t like that other body invader that brought with it the bouts of the blues…the sickness I could just about cope with but feeling down really isn’t me!

My bump is sprouting rapidly but I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself. Sometimes my bump is hard and looks every bit the baby bump it is but other times (I guess when baby sits back a bit) it is soft again and I still look oddly fat – oddly as in I’m a weird shape for an overweight person with all the weight up front.

I was pleased though when someone took the plunge today and chanced saying “and I see another one is on he way”. Must have been looking more bumpy than a tubby odd ball!

Maybe after Thursday it will feel a bit more real! We have our 20 week scan. I’m a little nervous to tell you the truth – primarily, as always, about whether everything is ok but also because we hope to find out the sex. I don’t know why this makes me nervous.

Having just done my dowsing crystal to try to predict sex of the baby it started off saying boy to begin with with a gentle sway but then turned strongly to a girl. I guess we shall have to wait and see…

Callum is still being cute where the baby is concerned. Lots of “Hello Baby” and kisses and cuddles. He actually says “I want to cuddle the baby”. He has also started a cheeky way of trying to stretch out bedtime and get a repeat of his bedtime story. When calls of “again” aren’t successful he says “baby read it”. How can I refuse? It makes for a boring story, however, as you have to listen very very carefully to hear baby read it – I basically turn the pages in front of my bump without saying anything.

He he – cruel mummy!

Finding Me Again!

Everyone tells you that being a parent is the hardest job in the world – though often only after its too late and you are up the duff or in the first few weeks of a newborn when you find yourself in a heap on the floor in a mess of snot & tissues trying to remember what it was like to not feel tired – before you decide to have a baby its all, having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you…etc etc.

(This is when I ask myself “why am I doing it again?)

But, to be fair, even if they did tell you, you wouldn’t be able to imagine – its tough in ways that can’t be explained and in ways you can never imagine.

For some, its a natural experience – they were ‘born to be mummies/daddies’ and they breeze through parenthood effortlessly producing well turned out, well mannered, well adjusted individuals and share stories and photos of baking, craft work, fun days out that don’t cost a penny but everyone enjoys. Its so hard for us ‘other’ parents who don’t find parenthood such a natural experience to not compare ourselves to them wishing longingly that we were a supermum like them!

For some of us ‘other’ mums, we realise that being a Stay at Home Mum just isn’t for us! But when you come to that realisation that, actually, you’d rather be working than bringing up your children, you question whether you are a failure? Have I failed at the most important job of them all – when so many others can manage it so effortlessly, why have I struggled, why can’t I cope?

Recently, I have realised that I’m not alone! Recently, my twitter timeline has been full of other parents coming to the realisation and confiding in others that, actually, they’re not sure being a SAHM is all they hoped it would be. They are coming to accept that perhaps it is harder work than they ever knew and they need a break…by returning to work (whether it be part or full time – whatever works for them). After all, there are places and people out there that are full of people that ARE trained to look after children all day – they have college years and certificates to show for it so can clearly do a better job than I can and, after all, they ENJOY doing it! That is their job! They chose to do it! OK, so I know I chose to be a parent too but I also chose a career for myself – I also chose my other life which I actually loved very much and never had any intention of giving up!

My friend recently asked me to review an article she had written about being a mum AND maintaining their individual status. It was reading through this article that it dawned on me exactly why I had become so low.

I look at myself now, struggling to drag myself out of bed every morning, scraping my hair back on a Thursday or Friday to take Callum to nursery. I may put on make-up once or twice a week and often when I intend to add a bit of colour to my face to stop me looking tired and drawn, it quickly slips my mind. All my friends are either members of m family or are other mums like me who I only see with their children. I love them to pieces and wouldn’t do without my mummy friends, don’t get me wrong, but occasionally I want to remember who I am aside from being mum. So when it comes to a childfree Thursday when I do not need to clean or study (that’s my joy on a Friday) what do I do? I have no idea! I mope! I’ve no where to go, no one to see who isn’t a mum – no non-mum conversations to have. I’ve no job to go to and no life outside of being a mother. I’ve lost me!

This is not who I wanted to be!

Working gives me the independence I’ve always craved since a 16 year old girl. I moved out of home at 17 because I so desperately craved my independence. Working gives me a life that is my own – not my husband’s, not my son’s, not my family’s – mine! It gives me my own friends. I enjoy being me! I enjoy putting on make-up, wearing a pair of heels and attempting to look good, for me!

Where did all that go?

When I realise who I am now and everything I am not but want to be, the tears start to fall! Its time to admit it, I am NOT a SAHM! Its time I went back to work! Everyone keeps saying, but you’re pregnant now, you may as well wait until after the baby – and then you’ll be raising 2 so you may as well wait a couple of years. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Please! Someone! Tell me this doesn’t have to be the case. I want to work now, pregnant or not! When I’ve had my second child, I want to go back to work! I will look after my newborn baby and will enjoy my time raising him or her for the beginning of his or her life but as soon as I feel ready I want to go back to work! Scrub want…I NEED to go back to work!

I accept it! I’m taking me back! I’m getting my life back! I’m going back to work!

And does that make me a failure? No! I don’t think it does – it makes me a better person for realising what my strengths & weaknesses are and what makes me happy. At the end of the day, we are also always told “Happy Mum, Happy Child” and I know that I can be a better mum, a happier mum and offer Callum & my unborn child a lot more if I go back to work. But this time, I admit, I’m going to try to get the balance right – I’m going to try to do both. I want to work part-time so I can see if I can be a mum and be me!

Time to open a new chapter! Wish me luck!

Erm…..can someone give me a job please…..?

Oh, and going back to the first paragraph, I have to admit, those people who said “having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you” were actually right – I may not be good at being a SAHM but I wouldn’t take back having children for the world. You can’t explain the love you feel for your child and the unconditional love they have for you. It is the most wonderful experience I can imagine!

Rainy Days & Mondays

(I wrote this a few weeks back but didn’t feel brave enough to post – have since talked things over with Stuart and family so feeling brave enough to post it)

Not been feeling too ‘bright’ recently – winter is really getting me down. I’ve never been a fan of winter and by this time of year it feels too long already. Its not unusual for me to feel down when the grey days start to mount up but this is different. I am wondering whether the hormone mania that is pregnancy heightens these feelings so making me more likely to suffer with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I’ve never been diagnosed with this and I don’t want to make light of the condition but I’m finding things really hard just now and can’t put any other label to it – and I don’t just think it is pregnancy hormones alone.

Its true that Callum has been a completely monkey (sod!) recently. Doing naughty things that he wouldn’t normally even consider and even when he isn’t being naughty he is being hard work – so that obviously isn’t helping. But the question is, is he contributing to me being down or is my being down contributing to his naughtiness?

I don’t think it is actual ante-natal depression. Friends that have had ante-natal depression describe it as worse than what I am feeling. I tried to think back to the last time I felt this down over winter and it was the last time I was pregnant.

So how am I feeling? I don’t want to get up in the morning, I could quite easily stay in bed all day. The thought of going downstairs and seeing the lounge in a mess and the dishes from last night still in the kitchen. I know I should be doing these jobs before I go to bed if I dread it so much but when I sit down in the evening I’m knackered and don’t want to do another thing – just chill! When I decide I want to go to bed I want to go straight away! Even if I continue to watch tv in bed. I feel so lazy but that’s just what I’m like in the evenings – I’ve always been a morning rather than evening person…usually.

When I do get up, I take my time to get showered and dressed but once I am I get on with the jobs I have to do – tidying, washing up, laundry etc.

If the day is miserable, I could quite easily go back to bed but I’ve got Callum to look after. I don’t want to go out in the damp and cold miserable day. Nothing I can think of to do feels me with any enthusiasm. If I plan things to do then I get up and do them but I would always rather be at home. Normally, being inside all the time would give me cabin fever but not at the moment – I’d be quite happy there! That’s not always possible with Callum or fair on him so I do try to make myself do something even if it just walk to the supermarket.

I’m moaning all the time – Stuart will tell you. I’m a miserable cow! I’ve not got enough to be this miserable about. I’m having a baby, I’m moving to a lovely new house – things are good, so why am I this miserable? I want to shake myself and tell myself to pull it together, there are so many people out there that are having it hard, I don’t have a right to be miserable but I can’t help it.

If the day is sunny, I have a little more spark and want to get outside before it disappears but then when I am out I’m almost in a panic that it is about to disappear and start feeling miserable again…and inevitably the sun does disappear.

I’m willing it to be spring again. My only joy at the moment is the days are starting to get lighter earlier.

Its not even been a bad winter – it has been incredibly mild. Admittedly, we are going through a cold spot now but I can’t really complain about the rest of the winter.

I keep looking at the weather report willing for it to be warmer and nice – we are only in February, a long way from any warmth or feelings of spring! Can I sleep/hibernate through the next couple of months please?