12 Weeks: Time for reflection

12 weeks is the new 6 weeks! I finally feel things are coming together and ‘normalising’ some what. We are surviving and, what’s more, it feels less like ‘survival’ and more like ‘coping’.

Its so hard when a newborn comes along to see past the suffocating fog that surrounds you. You can’t see any way out or any end to it, it just bogs you down.

It has been easier the second time round because at least you know that it does get better, allowing you to just have faith that it will. Even still, its difficult not to doubt that there will ever be an end. You hear stories about other people’s second children – they are either so much easier than their first or the first was an angel and their second a nightmare! I found myself asking, which would Millie be? Was Callum a good or a bad sleeper? I thought he was pretty average – not awful but not great either.

In truth, a lot of what Millie does or the phases she has gone through have been similar to Callum but I am a lot more relaxed this time. I know it is ‘normal’ and that the less I stress about it, the quicker the phase will pass, and it does! Because of my relaxed attitude she does seem to go through these phases quicker than Callum. For sleep issues, I know that she’ll eventually just ‘get it’ and all I can do is provide her with some kind of routine but be flexible enough to know that things change and I will have to change with them.

For the moment (and it is always ‘for the moment’ – see point above), Millie is napping in her cot without too much fuss getting her to sleep (there was lots of rocking and him waking as soon as he touched the bed) – not for longer than 45 minutes to an hour but I’m not worried about that yet, she’ll work it out. Millie is going longer through the night again AND is also in her own room in her cot. Millie is happy. She is putting on weight. She is, as everyone comments, very alert (cos the world needs Lerts!), strong and developing daily. She’s happy, I’m happy – that’s all that matters.

That said, she has been a bit out of sorts today after her 2nd lot of jabs yesterday so I’m prepared for it all to change again tonight.

Of course, there are bad days – when the tiredness really sets in, I feel I can’t cope. I look around at the mess and I panic that I’ll never get round to catching up with the washing or manage to grab any kind of lunch anytime soon. People tell you it isn’t important but you can’t understand that – the fog sets in again. But then the next day, all will be right with the world again, and I know, even when that bad day is happening, that it is only because I am tired – tomorrow will be better.

The hardest bit for me now, is convincing others that I’m happy with how things are progressing and trying not to let them influence me and start worrying over nothing because, of course, everyone has an opinion and thinks that the way they did it was better and they never had the problems you’re having! I now just go along with it, smile and think, they’ll see soon enough!

I Am Six Weeks Old

I am now six weeks old!

I have been smiling for 3 weeks and smile at my family when they talk to me. I have also been known to smile at Mummy’s boob and the connector that holds my mobile attached to my cot!

I  like to stick out my tongue

I blow bubbles a lot (though not intentionally)

I made my Mummy sad when I started crying real tears

I make my Mummy very happy when I try to talk to her. At the moment it just comes out as “ohhhhh” and then gives me hiccups which I don’t like

I still sleep more than I am awake but I am much more interactive now when I’m awake and the periods I am awake are starting to get longer – but who doesn’t like to sleep all day?

I have lots of Cradle Cap all over the front of my head, forehead, eyebrows and on and behind my ears. I find it itchy so when I get cuddled I rub my head on people to make it stop itching (Mummy wants to know who invented such a silly word and challenges everyone who says they are not tempted to say a naughty word instead of cap)

My forehead appears to have grown quicker than my scalp/hair – I therefore now look bald at the front of my head. I also have a bald patch at the back.

My hair is getting fairer each day & Mummy suspects I’ll be blonde like my Daddy & Brother but swears she will dye it brown like hers & no one will know!

I have only had a few baths – I preferred the one in the sink to the ones in the big bath but I’m not a huge fan of this water thing!

I usually sleep for a 6-7 hour stretch at night which my Mummy said my brother didn’t do for several months – this makes me smile smugly at my big brother when Mummy isn’t looking

I can already swing my hips over when I see something I like – Mummy thinks I’ll be rolling before they know it. He he, watch out Callum’s toys, soon you’ll be mine!

It's for the breast

I've now been breastfeeding Millie for 2 days short of 6 weeks. This is such an achievement for me. I managed 4 solid weeks with Callum then slowly weaned off until 6 weeks and my aim was to do longer this time and I have accomplished that so pat on the back for me. 

But I am at a cross-roads. My right nipple still hasn't healed. I've been treating the infection I have in it for a week and it is still there! To top it all off my left nipple is now staring to hurt when I feed (though no obvious cause for this). I'm told my latch is fine & have taken any advice I've been given but nothing is changing. I started to feel things were starting to improve & felt the pain was getting less but I had also started taking paracetamol for the pain. It was after I forgot to take it for a day that I found myself crying out in pain and in tears in the middle of the night again.

 

I am gutted. I had hoped that I would get to the point that feeding became easy and I could start to enjoy the convenience & both me and Millie would enjoy the benefits. I had expected that stage to have got here by now. I'll be honest, if I had experienced that but still came to the point now at 6 weeks that I wanted to stop I'd have been happy. But I am gutted, so disappointed! It's making me miserable! I've spent too much time in tears this past couple of days that I figure if it is making me so unhappy I have to stop! If someone else had gone through the same experience as me and was as miserable as I am with it then I'd be advising them to stop, it's spoiling the good times they should be having with their baby. Happy mummy means happy baby! So I know I should heed my own advice.

 

So many people on twitter have been amazingly supportive and sharing their own experiences and passing on advice. It's really helped and meant so much. It's an amazing support network.

 

I am actually feeling a bit better about it this evening but put it down to another day on the painkillers! However, both this and the support on twitter (and of course from Stuart) I think I've come to a decision. I am seeing the HV for Millie's 6 week check on Monday and am going to tell her of the trouble I've had and tell her my plan and see what she says or if she has any other advice that might help.

 

The plan?

 

From that evening, I will make the 7/7.30 feed formula (this is the only routine feed so makes sense to start with this one!). I'll leave it at this for a week then, if no improvement, I will start to replace another feed every 2 days. I hope that by the time I am down to 2 feeds which are breast feeds, that my nipple will have healed or be showing a clear improvement in which case I will combination feed keeping just these 2 breastfeeds.

 

There are so many advanages to bottle feeding too.

 

• Stuart can help meaning he can feel included but, most importantly to me, he can do the odd nighttime feed at the weekend.
• I won't be worrying about whether I'll be in a bf friendly place, especially when it comes to the right side!
• I have to do a driver awareness course soon and I'm currently worrying about how this is going to work and whether I can express enough in time that someone else can feed Millie with expressed milk.
• I can start to enjoy some detachment again. This sounds incredibly selfish but sometimes being so tied to Millie and her being so dependent on only me and no one else can feel incredibly exhausting. Again, this is the advantage of others being able to feed Millie for me.

These all sound like incredibly selfish reasons! The reasons I would like to continue with breastfeeding:

• I've lost very nearly all my pregnancy weight with very little (no) effort - now I've got another stone to lose which I'd really like some help with!
• You can't take away the fact that in the middle of the night it is much better being able to whip out a boob rather than prepare a bottle while the baby screams for food
• There's no sterilising of bottles and the advance preparation of bottles to worry about
• The reason I mention above - to experience what it's like to be pain free and enjoy the convenience
• There is a whooping cough epidemic at the moment and this really worries me. Babies can't be vaccinated until 8 weeks and I'm not sure how long it is before they have a resistance against the illness. While I am breastfeeding I hope that I am offering some protection to Millie until she is protected following the vaccination.

But, I have already achieved what I set out to (bf for longer and get to feed off right side), given Millie the best start and enjoyed the convenience without having to express all the time. I should be proud, and I am!

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The Six Week Myth

I remember, when pregnant with Callum, everyone warned that the first few weeks with a newborn are hard but it all starts to get easier from 6 weeks. When I had Callum at first I wondered what all the stress was about, I found it relatively easy (well easier than I expected) but by the time 6 weeks came along I was falling apart, regularly breaking down into tears & it all got incredibly hard.

When my NCT mummy friends confirmed that for them things started getting easier at about 6 weeks, I assumed it was different for me because Callum was born nearly 4 weeks early. He slept more in the first couple of weeks so by the time 6 weeks came I assumed this was the equivalent to 2 weeks for most people.

However, here I am again and once more I feel like I'm falling apart. The sleep deprivation is taking its toll, I'm questioning myself with every action as I try to master the day time sleeping patterns (or lack of pattern), Millie is becoming more demanding and I regularly find myself in tears and days fly by in a blink. I find myself hating the newborn stage again! Believe it or not, even though Stuart was I'll in the first couple of weeks, Millie was fairly straight forward then. She slept. I could put her in her Moses basket after a feed & she would happily sleep. Now I am constantly looking for the sleep signals then can spend hours soothing, stroking, rocking her to sleep before giving in and either cuddling her to sleep or placing her in the sling.

I don't want to wish this time away. I love Millie being so small and I want to savour every day with her but it's so hard not to will it to be a month or so on when ones are starting to fall into a routine.

My problems with breastfeeding haven't helped my emotional state but that's another post which I will write after this one.

I know that the less you stress about stuff the quicker things fall into place & stressing about things makes everything seem much worse than it actually is. But when all you want to do is grab yourself a sandwich at lunch or hang the latest mountain of baby clothes on the line to dry but every time you approach such an activity the baby starts to cry & refuses to settle into sleep again unless they are attached to you, it all gets a bit draining.

I have a sling kindly borrowed from a friend and that helps (except when you a busting for a wee). I also know that getting out helps your sanity & usually guarantees one good sleep for the baby but when you are feeling down with the situation and it's raining yet again it's hard to motivate yourself. Again, this isn't helped by the breastfeeding issues as if it's 'problem boob's' turn which is not the most easiest feed to do in public (rugby ball hold) then I can often put off an outing! This time I also have the added guilt of the more time I spend with Millie the more I am neglecting Callum - and vice versa!

But, I do know it's not for ever and before I know it I'll be looking back on these weeks like a distant memory both grateful I won't have to go through it again but sad that my baby has changed so much already & I can't get that time back.

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At 4 weeks new

Millie is now 4 weeks and 5 days old. Where has the time gone. In a blur! (from tired eyes as well as going so fast!)

I'm torn at the moment between wanting to savour each day while she is so small to hoping for this relentless newborn stage to be over so we can have some kind of routine established!

If I compare Millie's progress to Callum's, much of the challenges I'm going through are the same as what I went through with Callum...the unsettled evenings taking ages to soothe to sleep! The put down game where just as you get them asleep, if you try to put them down, they are awake again in seconds or, if you manage for any length of time it will be 20 mins, just long enough to fool you that you've cracked it this time so you focus on a menial task like emptying the dishwasher or more commonly you take an opportunity to try to to fix a meal when you hear those familiar cries and you have to start all over again.

But there are also elements that are better this time round like she will usually only wake the once in the night for a feed and has even managed a couple of 6 or 7 hour stretches which we didn't get with Callum so I should be grateful for getting more sleep however I appear to be struggling more with sleep deprivation this time and guess I have to put it down to age! Things only get harder as you get older.

The breastfeeding isn't really improving yet, in fact it's getting worse as now my nipple has an infection. I'm not surprised, in fact, I am surprised it's taken this long as an open wound being exposed for that length of time is at a high risk of being infected. The breastfeeding advisor has checked my latch and it all looks well except perhaps I wasn't pushing Mille onto my breast forcefully enough so maybe the latch wasn't deep enough. I'm now trying hard to shove her onto my boob and willing this to be the solution and that along with the antibacterial cream, fucidin, that I've been prescribed, my nipple will finally heal. I'm desperate to experience pain free feeding so I can get to the point that feeding is actually an enjoyable experience to some extent or at least to be able to enjoy the convenience of it without dreading a feed! Friends have also advised to try expressing that side for a coupe of days or to go back to nipple shields to let it heal, based on their own experiences, so I may try one or both of those approaches too.

Despite all this it's all made better by the fact I'm getting lovely smiles now. It's true what they say that they learn these skills with perfect timing to make all the crappy stuff seem worthwhile. Three weeks is early for smiling but I know this isn't wind, it's a very different smile. It lights up her eyes and her whole face.

Bring on the next feed and/or sleepless night!

 

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Two Weeks of Two

I wont lie to you the past two weeks have been hard!

The first week we were pretty much in newborn bliss! Not saying it was easy – the first two nights were pretty much all nighters for me but at least Stuart was able to let me catch up on sleep at times. Millie slept all day except for feeds so daytimes were manageable. Callum was feeling under the weather so was quite clingy and whingey but didn’t seem to be too concerned by the new addition to the family!

Then Saturday, Stuart noticed he was starting to feel unwell. Sunday, Stuart felt awful but his parents were arriving that day to stay for a couple of nights before they went on their holiday so he struggled to get up and even ventured out to the shops for some supplies.

However, from Monday to Thursday, Stuart was bed bound with a virus resulting in tonsilitus! Stuart’s parents were staying until the Tuesday. This meant I had a newborn and a 4 year old to care for, a sick husband to look after and parents-in-law to entertain and cater for. On top of that, the baby blues had set in. Most days I was a spilt glass of milk away from a teary breakdown with the mornings being the biggest struggle and were often spent in tears!

Stuart’s parents kindly took Callum shopping one day and bought me some supplies, and they also collected a prescription for Stuart for us which was a big help. But I still had to organise meals and play the host to a certain extent and, to be honest, they just weren’t my parents!

I admit to feeling very sorry for myself – cheated out of Stuart’s paternity leave. This was meant to be one of those rare times when I got looked after, I got to rest, sleep, recover and it wasn’t happening. I felt sad that Stuart was missing out on bonding with his new daughter and the father & son time that I felt was long overdue with Callum.

Tuesday, I called my mum, burst into tears and asked if she could come and help. As soon as she arrived she immediately made tea and told me to sit down and rest then took care of the house, Callum & my niece who she was also looking after that day. She is my hero! I’ve never loved & appreciated my mum so much as at that point! 

By this time, I had pulled myself together somewhat so I did feel bad for bursting into tears at her on the phone. As I said before – mornings were hard, I felt overwhelmed and unable to cope. The power of a shower is amazing – it is, most days, the difference between me feeling like I can cope or not. But having my mum there still meant so much.

My sister came over too, picking up some shopping for me on the way.

Both my mum and my sister have been my absolute life savers, calling and checking on me, letting me cry to them and making me feel normal for doing so!

By Friday, Stuart was still feeling rubbish but he forced himself out of bed. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, Stuart tried his hardest to make it up to me, cooking me dinner, looking after Callum, putting Callum to bed, even though he was still recovering himself. We even got out on Saturday to the airshow…eventually! Our first outing as a family of 4 involved leaving the house 2 hours after we were ‘ready to go’ as Stuart grappled with attaching the buggy board to the pushchair and I realised I could no longer leave the house without taking ‘luggage’ (a holdall similar to the size of those which you see passengers squeezing into the hand-luggage guide at airports) which contained ‘just the necessities’…and the kitchen sink!

Sunday was Callum’s birthday. I had gone through lots of guilt and worry during the week about whether we would be able to celebrate Callum’s birthday, whether we would have his present ready etc! Thankfully, my sister and mum picked up a cake, card and wrapping paper for me which instantly made me feel more relaxed about it. We had decided to take Callum to the Gruffalo Trail at Moors Valley and invited my Brother and family and my Sister and family to join us. My brother has a 5 year old son and my sister a 6 year old daughter so they provide good play mates for Callum.

Unfortunately, the weather didn’t conform and it chucked it down all morning meaning we had to have a change of plan. Instead we invited them to us for a birthday lunch and then headed off to the old faithful – softplay! Thankfully, we hadn’t actually told Callum what we had planned so he knew no different and seemed to have a great time regardless!

Now Stuart has returned to work and I’m surviving solo during the days again! I have down days and up days but its still ‘early days’ and we are surviving – Every day I try to have one thing planned and other than that, my only aim is to get up and showered and I’m even managing a few ‘chores’ too. I’m torn at the moment from wanting my wee girl to stay all diddy and newborn looking and being snuggled into my shoulder while she sleeps then on the other hand wanting it to be the next stage of establishing a routine. I really don’t want to hurry her life on I want to savour every moment!

On the breastfeeding front, again, its been tough! Why does Mother Nature make something that is meant to be so ‘natural’ so bloody painful and make the first week of feeding so difficult? You’d think She would make the first week a breeze so that you at least knew what it would be like if you kept at it – its a wonder that any woman makes it through the first week! I wont bore you with it now and make this post longer than it needs to be but expect another post soon!