Tits Up!

I wasn’t going to blog about this but I think I feel passionately enough about it for it to pull me out of my blogging hole.

We all know (if you don’t, you bloody should so have words with yourself!) that we shouldn’t listen to anyone else who thinks they know what’s best for our children and feel it necessary to bully you into feeling guilty about something or other so I’m going to take a different approach and just blurt out my experience. You’ll probable be able to work out how I feel about the vouchers for breastfeeding scheme!

When pregnant with Callum, I originally wasn’t going to breastfeed. To me the idea felt so alien. The though of a baby sucking on your nipple just *shudder*. I had seen my friends struggle with it in different ways and it did nothing to appeal to me. Yes, I knew that breast was best but formula hadn’t killed me either. I was always a very healthy child (and pretty healthy adult), I wasn’t an overweight child or fit any of the other ‘risks of formula feeding’ threats they threw at you so formula was going to be fine for my child too.

Then Stuart found out and he really didn’t understand my decision. In his eyes, why wouldn’t you breastfeed? It was free….it would provide our child with invaluable antibodies and other health benefits. If he could do it, he would, no question. In the end I agreed I would try it for a day and take it from there.

I wrote on my birth plan that I would try breastfeeding but would rebel against anyone who pushed me!

Callum arrived a little early (3.5 weeks) - I tried to breastfeed but was explained that because he was early he may struggle to suckle at first. This was true, he did and I spent much of the 4 days I spent in hospital trying to get him to breastfeed, distraught that he wouldn’t latch, learning what it felt like to be a milking cow when shown how to use the hospitals electronic breast pump to express the milk out. Not helped by the baby blues hitting during that week and no one warning me.

The hospital midwives respected my birth plan and didn’t push me…in fact, I felt I could have had a bit more encouragement (no pleasing some people eh?).

Finally, on my last day, I managed to successfully feed Callum but only on one side and expressing the other.

When I left, I continued to breastfeed on the left and express on the right. I’d heard of support groups but I didn’t have the confidence to go to them. Because I’d heard of people’s negative reactions to breastfeeding in public, I had no confidence in doing so and would hide in toilets when out, especially in restaurants. Eventually I’d try to make the feed out a bottle of expressed milk and then express when I got in. By expressing every other feed, I wasn’t getting the full benefits of the breastfeeding experience as I was still washing and sterilising the bottles. At night, I had to feed off my left breast and then put my sleepy baby back to sleep which I desperately wanted to do too but instead had to stay up and express.

I quickly found out, breastfeeding hurt! And not because there was anything wrong with my latch. In those early days, while your nipples get used to this strange vacuum like suction a dozen or more times a day, you will experience a pain like hot needles shooting down your nipple that makes your toes curl. Your fight or flight kicks in and it takes all your power not to rip the baby from your nipple. Your poor week nipple may get sore (and yes this may be from poor latch too). I went through the pain of sore nipples and quite quickly lansinoh became my saviour.

Other things I wasn’t told about breastfeeding was that they cluster feed in the evenings. They have growth spurts where they would literally want to stay on your boob all evening! This was normal! Go with it!

I lasted about 4 weeks with a slow wean taking it to 6 weeks.

In the time between Callum and Millie I’d learnt a lot more from friends about what was ‘normal’ when breastfeeding. So, by the time I was pregnant with Millie I’d decided I wanted to try again and I really wanted to try to breastfeed for longer than 6 weeks. I would go to support groups, I would seek help if I needed it and I would try my hardest to get my baby to feed of both breasts.

I’d hoped for one of those babies that came out knowing exactly what to do, latching on and away we would go but Millie still needed to learn how to latch on and so did I.

Early on, the midwives and health visitor were very supportive, helpful and not at all pushy. They put me in touch with the breastfeeding counsellor at the hospital who came to see me and set me up with an electronic pump for a few weeks (they were only permitted to lend it out for a while) along with little bottles for collecting the milk and a syringe.  She gave me lots of tips and was just lovely.

I had heard about nipple shields and had bought some in preparation! The BF Counsellor explained the benefits and risks and agreed it was worth me trying. She showed me how to use them and recommended, after a while, breaking the seal and removing it to encourage Millie to feed straight from the nipple. Thanks to these incredible inventions I managed to get Millie to feed (after quite a bit of work) off both sides. After a couple of weeks of using them I ditched the nipple shields.

My left nipple got a little sore again but quickly recovered but my right? Oh My God!!!! I had an open sore that shocked and scared me. It also got infected. Yet I tried to feed through it. The night times were the hardest and many a time Stuart would wake up to me in bits because I was in incredible pain but feeling helpless with what he could do for me. The nipple shields made a return but eventually they were starting to rub and make the pain worse.

I went to a Bossom Buddies group at the local children’s centre and had my latch checked and confirmed it was fine. Still I had pain due to the open sore on my nipple. I went for a few weeks but a number of the mums that went regularly were from the same antenatal group (being second timers in a new area, I didn’t have the support of an NCT group like the first time) so everyone seemed to know each other and their babies were about the same age. It made it intimidating to try to break into that group. No one shared their stories as to why they were there so you saw happy successfully feeding mums feeding their babies so I didn’t feel I really fit in and stopped going. The breastfeeding counsellor was nice and helpful though and I was able to borrow (for free!!!) an electronic breast pump for a while so I would still say it was worth going. I probably should’ve looked for other local groups.

I was recommended Jellnet and the BF counsellor agreed it was worth trying to encourage healing. I was given fungal cream to try to remove the infection. I continued to feed but the healing process was very very slow.

At 6 weeks, I acknowledged my incredible achievement at managing 6 weeks and beating my target, as well as succeeding in getting Millie to feed off both sides, but decided I couldn’t take the pain any more and I would start weaning to formula. However, after a week of one bottle of formula and the rest still breastfeeding I noticed my nipple started to finally heal…so I continued with this routine!

Then Millie started refusing the bottle! Once more I was breaking down in floods in the middle of the night as she refused to feed. After a very stressful weekend away, I decided that as my nipple had healed I would return to fully breastfeeding. By this time, I’d made it to 8 weeks. She had a few nights of waking up more frequently but then seemed to settle again.

Because of all the ups and downs of feeding, within the next couple of weeks I decided to wean to bottle again and the intention was to bottle feed during the day and breastfeed at night but she soon went back to refusing the breast altogether. The slow wean had turned into a flat refusal.

I know I gave it a bloody good shot at breastfeeding with Millie. I achieved so much and managed over 11 weeks. I’m proud of this. Yet I still look back and beat myself up as tears come to my eyes that I gave up.

“I shouldn’t have swapped the feed, I should have continued through the pain. “

No one makes me feel guilty but me. I can step back and I know I made the right decisions for us throughout that time. I know I couldn’t have continued in the amount of pain I was in without something having to give. Before Millie, I would have told anyone else that they should no way feel guilty for making such a huge effort and I would tell them I am sure I wouldn’t have managed so long if it was me in that pain. Stuart no way blames me and I  know he found it hard dealing with the pain I was in. He was shocked to discover the first time with Callum, how much it hurt and when he made his “why wouldn’t you?” argument he was unaware of how tough it could be. I can think logically about the whole situation but the day I started breastfeeding some magic switch was put in my brain that meant when I stopped I was programmed to feel guilty about it.

Despite being told it shouldn’t make a difference as it’s ‘breast’ feeding not ‘nipple’ feeding but I do suspect the fact I had inverted nipples were a contributor to the pain I felt and the sores I got. Even if the baby is latched onto the breast the nipple is still sucked out.

So…do I think vouchers would’ve changed my actions? No I don’t! Do I think other mothers should be made to feel guilty for not breastfeeding for 6 months or choosing not to breastfeed at all?  No I bloody do not! And for those that really want to but can’t for a million and one different reasons…if this makes me mad, how does it make those poor women feel?

If I was to have another child (which I’m definitely not going to) would I breastfeed again? No, I don’t think I would but I don’t regret it with Callum and Millie. I wouldn’t change that!

Just my experience and my opinion. Please don’t let my experience put you off. If you want to breastfeed or experience trouble breastfeeding yourself, I can’t recommend enough reaching out for support- whether that be groups or health visitors or breastfeeding counsellors. I’ve known friends who have gone through similar pain but gone on to happily and pain free feed for over 6 months. I’ve also known loads of people that were lucky in that they breastfed and from day one didn’t experience any discomfort at all. We are all different and everyone’s experience is their own.

At 4 weeks new

Millie is now 4 weeks and 5 days old. Where has the time gone. In a blur! (from tired eyes as well as going so fast!)

I'm torn at the moment between wanting to savour each day while she is so small to hoping for this relentless newborn stage to be over so we can have some kind of routine established!

If I compare Millie's progress to Callum's, much of the challenges I'm going through are the same as what I went through with Callum...the unsettled evenings taking ages to soothe to sleep! The put down game where just as you get them asleep, if you try to put them down, they are awake again in seconds or, if you manage for any length of time it will be 20 mins, just long enough to fool you that you've cracked it this time so you focus on a menial task like emptying the dishwasher or more commonly you take an opportunity to try to to fix a meal when you hear those familiar cries and you have to start all over again.

But there are also elements that are better this time round like she will usually only wake the once in the night for a feed and has even managed a couple of 6 or 7 hour stretches which we didn't get with Callum so I should be grateful for getting more sleep however I appear to be struggling more with sleep deprivation this time and guess I have to put it down to age! Things only get harder as you get older.

The breastfeeding isn't really improving yet, in fact it's getting worse as now my nipple has an infection. I'm not surprised, in fact, I am surprised it's taken this long as an open wound being exposed for that length of time is at a high risk of being infected. The breastfeeding advisor has checked my latch and it all looks well except perhaps I wasn't pushing Mille onto my breast forcefully enough so maybe the latch wasn't deep enough. I'm now trying hard to shove her onto my boob and willing this to be the solution and that along with the antibacterial cream, fucidin, that I've been prescribed, my nipple will finally heal. I'm desperate to experience pain free feeding so I can get to the point that feeding is actually an enjoyable experience to some extent or at least to be able to enjoy the convenience of it without dreading a feed! Friends have also advised to try expressing that side for a coupe of days or to go back to nipple shields to let it heal, based on their own experiences, so I may try one or both of those approaches too.

Despite all this it's all made better by the fact I'm getting lovely smiles now. It's true what they say that they learn these skills with perfect timing to make all the crappy stuff seem worthwhile. Three weeks is early for smiling but I know this isn't wind, it's a very different smile. It lights up her eyes and her whole face.

Bring on the next feed and/or sleepless night!

 

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It's only natural!

Breast feeding - such a natural thing, providing for your baby the way nature intended! After all, that's what your boobs are there for. It shouldn't hurt! If it does, the latch is wrong!

BOLLOCKS!

Excuse my language but if this is the case why on earth didn't Mother Nature make the first week after your baby is born 'easy', foolproof in fact, and PAINLESS! It's not meant to hurt they say! You're telling me a mini Hoover clamped on to your nipple isn't meant to hurt? If you are a man, or a woman who hasn't had children or not breast fed for whatever reason, next time you are near a newborn (one you know, I'm not saying a random baby you happen to walk past in the street - that could get you in to a world of trouble) stick your (clean) little finger in their mouth and imagine that your finger was your nipple then tell me that wouldn't hurt!

There is some truth though in that fable - that if it hurts the latch isn't right. After the initial first week, your nipples should acclimatise to the mini blood sucker (& I mean that literally) and shouldnt hurt but by this stage your lovely little leech has had a week's practice of latching incorrectly so the damage has already been done! Your nipple is cracked, red raw, contains open sores! Plus, they say if you know a latch is bad or it hurts, put your little finger in the corner of their mouth and break the latch. Yeah, right! No easy feat in itself! And when they do come away, shouting at your boob in complaint, they pull on your poor tender nipple! OUCH! Then, as if to punish you more they claw at your poor unfortunate nipple with their tiny weeny yet razor sharp nails.

So, "how is the feeding going?" you ask...

I've a nipple with a smiley mouth that shouldn't be there - and believe me it isn't a happy nipple. I've squeezed, sorry 'compressed' my boob until it feels bruised, I've had my nipples pulled & tugged this way and that, every time Millie latches on my right, used to be flat, nipple I have to endure toe curling pain (even once you fix the latch the damage done to your nipple takes time to repair and this still hurts until it does), I'm on my second tube of lansinoh (a little tube of magic) and at £10 a pop I've hardly been using it generously!

So why am I continuing? Bloody mindedness! Last time I managed 4 weeks and was just getting into swing of things as I stopped so I wanted to make it further to the point where it did feel second nature and I could really experience the benefits of breast feeding. Especially since this time I had conquered the first challenge, with the help of nipple shields (meleda), of getting Millie to feed off both sides, unlike Callum, and, yes, I can see myself getting there finally at 3 weeks. My left side is now comfortable with feeding and I think my right side is at last starting to heal! I hope so, I could just be getting used to the pain now (which is still toe curling & often makes me cry out) that it doesn't feel so bad!

One things for sure, I'm pleased this is our last baby as I doubt I would go through it again.

I'm not even the type of person to look down at my feeding baby and feel warmed by the sight and enjoy the bonding and closeness it provides. Sorry, that's not just me.

But rather than focus on the negatives, I need to look at how far I've come!

• I've survived over 3 weeks now already
• I'm no longer 'scared' to use my left side and no longer need lansinoh on that nipple
• I am no longer using the nipple shields at all and haven't been doing so for a week now
• I've only used formula top ups twice (60ml & 60ml respectively)

I do admit though that I am pleased that I've been able to pass on my antibodies and I am certainly enjoying my weight and waistline decreasing at a steady rate not to mention the cost benefits, not having to sterilise and not having to go down and warm a bottle in the early hours, trying to get the temperature right while your baby screams for food.

I'm sorry for anyone who reads this that hasn't breast fed before and is hoping to, it's not said to put you off and it is just my experience. Yours may be very different and I truly hope you are one of the lucky ones that takes to it like duck to water.

But here's my advice:

• Have lansinoh at the ready. It is expensive but it will be your saviour! You can buy it cheaper from amazon than on the high street. In the event that you don't need it or you don't use it all, it is fantastic on sore bottoms too (as in nappy rash). Warm between fingers to make more spreadable then put on bottom before bed. By morning the redness will have reduced! My poor boy's bottom was red raw & bleeding once & this along with drapoline succeeded where all others (there had been many) had failed!
• Do use nipple shields if you have flat or inverted nipples and/or really sore cracked nipples, they really made a difference to me at the start. They say that you shouldn't use them in the first 6 weeks but the lovely breast advisor lady said they had their place & shouldn't affect your supply if you use them correctly. She also advised ensuring you compressed your breast towards the end to make sure your boob was drained to avoid getting mastitis.
• To follow on from the last tip, don't rely on the nipple shields. If you don't 'need' to use them then don't and try to get off them as soon as you can as babies often use a different suck/latch for the shields to your nipple - more similar to that of a bottle teat - so this could affect the latch when you go without the shield and cause you unnecessary damage (as what happened to me).
• Contact your breast feeding support person straight away, even if you think you are doing ok as it is great just to get the reassurance that you are doing well plus they can still give you good tips (stuff I wouldn't have known if I didn't contact mine). You've also made contact which means, if later you do experience difficulty, it won't be so scary asking for help.

Please do share your own advice if you have anything to add.

 

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Two Weeks of Two

I wont lie to you the past two weeks have been hard!

The first week we were pretty much in newborn bliss! Not saying it was easy – the first two nights were pretty much all nighters for me but at least Stuart was able to let me catch up on sleep at times. Millie slept all day except for feeds so daytimes were manageable. Callum was feeling under the weather so was quite clingy and whingey but didn’t seem to be too concerned by the new addition to the family!

Then Saturday, Stuart noticed he was starting to feel unwell. Sunday, Stuart felt awful but his parents were arriving that day to stay for a couple of nights before they went on their holiday so he struggled to get up and even ventured out to the shops for some supplies.

However, from Monday to Thursday, Stuart was bed bound with a virus resulting in tonsilitus! Stuart’s parents were staying until the Tuesday. This meant I had a newborn and a 4 year old to care for, a sick husband to look after and parents-in-law to entertain and cater for. On top of that, the baby blues had set in. Most days I was a spilt glass of milk away from a teary breakdown with the mornings being the biggest struggle and were often spent in tears!

Stuart’s parents kindly took Callum shopping one day and bought me some supplies, and they also collected a prescription for Stuart for us which was a big help. But I still had to organise meals and play the host to a certain extent and, to be honest, they just weren’t my parents!

I admit to feeling very sorry for myself – cheated out of Stuart’s paternity leave. This was meant to be one of those rare times when I got looked after, I got to rest, sleep, recover and it wasn’t happening. I felt sad that Stuart was missing out on bonding with his new daughter and the father & son time that I felt was long overdue with Callum.

Tuesday, I called my mum, burst into tears and asked if she could come and help. As soon as she arrived she immediately made tea and told me to sit down and rest then took care of the house, Callum & my niece who she was also looking after that day. She is my hero! I’ve never loved & appreciated my mum so much as at that point! 

By this time, I had pulled myself together somewhat so I did feel bad for bursting into tears at her on the phone. As I said before – mornings were hard, I felt overwhelmed and unable to cope. The power of a shower is amazing – it is, most days, the difference between me feeling like I can cope or not. But having my mum there still meant so much.

My sister came over too, picking up some shopping for me on the way.

Both my mum and my sister have been my absolute life savers, calling and checking on me, letting me cry to them and making me feel normal for doing so!

By Friday, Stuart was still feeling rubbish but he forced himself out of bed. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, Stuart tried his hardest to make it up to me, cooking me dinner, looking after Callum, putting Callum to bed, even though he was still recovering himself. We even got out on Saturday to the airshow…eventually! Our first outing as a family of 4 involved leaving the house 2 hours after we were ‘ready to go’ as Stuart grappled with attaching the buggy board to the pushchair and I realised I could no longer leave the house without taking ‘luggage’ (a holdall similar to the size of those which you see passengers squeezing into the hand-luggage guide at airports) which contained ‘just the necessities’…and the kitchen sink!

Sunday was Callum’s birthday. I had gone through lots of guilt and worry during the week about whether we would be able to celebrate Callum’s birthday, whether we would have his present ready etc! Thankfully, my sister and mum picked up a cake, card and wrapping paper for me which instantly made me feel more relaxed about it. We had decided to take Callum to the Gruffalo Trail at Moors Valley and invited my Brother and family and my Sister and family to join us. My brother has a 5 year old son and my sister a 6 year old daughter so they provide good play mates for Callum.

Unfortunately, the weather didn’t conform and it chucked it down all morning meaning we had to have a change of plan. Instead we invited them to us for a birthday lunch and then headed off to the old faithful – softplay! Thankfully, we hadn’t actually told Callum what we had planned so he knew no different and seemed to have a great time regardless!

Now Stuart has returned to work and I’m surviving solo during the days again! I have down days and up days but its still ‘early days’ and we are surviving – Every day I try to have one thing planned and other than that, my only aim is to get up and showered and I’m even managing a few ‘chores’ too. I’m torn at the moment from wanting my wee girl to stay all diddy and newborn looking and being snuggled into my shoulder while she sleeps then on the other hand wanting it to be the next stage of establishing a routine. I really don’t want to hurry her life on I want to savour every moment!

On the breastfeeding front, again, its been tough! Why does Mother Nature make something that is meant to be so ‘natural’ so bloody painful and make the first week of feeding so difficult? You’d think She would make the first week a breeze so that you at least knew what it would be like if you kept at it – its a wonder that any woman makes it through the first week! I wont bore you with it now and make this post longer than it needs to be but expect another post soon!

All things Pregnancy, 23 Weeks, 5 Days

Just a general pregnancy update from me.

It took a while into the second trimester but I’ve been feeling really well and much more like the normal me recently. So much so that I often get a little shock when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror or lay down in bed at night to see a protruding bump!

Then someone asked me how I was feeling on Saturday morning so I said, truthfully, that I was feeling good and would be happy if I could stay feeling like this for the remainder of the pregnancy. Why did I say that? I clearly jinxed myself! By the end of the day I felt like I’d morphed into an old woman. It started lunchtime – I’d gone in my friend’s' car (we had our two friends and their children visiting for the night) to show her where the supermarket & pharmacy were. When we got back and I went to get out the car I got a shooting pain through my pelvis like I was all out of line. I couldn’t put any weight on my right leg without crying out in pain! I could hardly walk for a bit. Then every time I went to stand after sitting down for a while I could hardly stand straight and felt all stiff. By the end of the day I felt like I’d been doing a vigorous exercise class and it was the morning after!

I guess I need to take that as my warning to slow down! I’d spent 1.5 days spring cleaning that week and perhaps these aches and pains were a result of that!

I guess my pelvis is starting to move about now too – although I thought any significant moves would be later along in the pg in the third trimester! I guess not!

I have a few things on my mind at the moment relating to delivery. First one being the hospital we go to. I’m not feeling the confidence with Poole Hospital. If they’d allow tours or for me to see the labour ward, perhaps I’d feel a bit different but considering I wont ever even see the hospital until its time to give birth as my appointments are all held at Bournemouth Hospital (a lovely hospital but only a MW-led unit so no drugs!!! – of the type I’d be after anyway!), I’m really not liking what I’m hearing from other people about the place. I’ve heard it resembling a bunker on more than one occasion.

The other thing I’m not happy about in going there is that they don’t offer mobile epidurals. I really don’t want to be restricted to lying on my back for the duration of labour and have the joy of being fitted with a catheter which, from what I understand, means you are more likely to spend longer in hospital. I had a mobile epidural with Callum but, although I was pretty restricted to the bed because of being hooked up to bp monitors etc,, and although the top ups failed, I was able to wiggle around and go to the toilet if I wanted. I’d still rather have a mobile epidural where the top ups don’t work rather than a full on epidural that glues me to the bed unable to move.

Going by my last birth plan, I’m sure after saying all this, that will be exactly what happens despite my best intentions – I get glued to a bed on my back with a catheter – as labours and births are so unpredictable and so often does not go according to plan but the best I can do is make efforts in the right direction to getting the plan I want.

I did think that Poole or Bournemouth were my only options. However, I’ve since heard I could go to Salisbury!

So, I’m going to contact Salisbury hospital to discuss what options there are and, if they offer a tour, I’m going to take a look.

Salisbury is further away to travel than Poole – 30 mins opposed to 15-20 but its worth looking into!

I guess another thing that must be on my mind according to my dream last night is breastfeeding and getting baby to latch on…to both breasts!

Last time, Callum and I took until the last night/day in hospital (C was born on Tuesday & we left on Friday) until we both finally got it and we never really got the hang of my right boob as I have a slightly inverted/flat nipple! But I must remember i) it was my first time breastfeeding a baby; ii) Callum was early and it is common for early babies to struggle with latching on at first; and iii) I was too self-conscious to ask for help,. This time I’ll have the advantage of having done it before, I’m more determined to ask for help if I need it and go to support groups and, all things being well, this one might have a better chance of getting it from the off…! We wont know until we get there.

But there have been things I’ve learnt, from my own experience and that of others which I’m going to try. The support groups being one of them but also, to start using Linsinoh right from the start (it was my saviour last time when I discovered it and, a little secret for those that don’t know, its fantastic at protecting sore little bums at night with bad nappy rash!!!) and I will try Medela nipple shields on recommendation from a friend who also didn’t take to breastfeeding immediately and tried several brands.

Whoever said breastfeeding is natural is lying! I hate that saying as it makes you think that its easy and both your baby and your body will know instantly what to do without any assistance – often it is not that easy and requires patience, persistence and a high pain threshold to cope with the needle sharp pains in your nipples!!!

Which might make you wonder why I am bothering to try again – I know, it surprised me but I do think I stopped last time just as I was getting into the flow of it (pardon the pun) and, if I do manage to get this baby feeding off both boobs then I think it will be worth the effort and initial pain (that does get better) in the beginning!

Positives I did learn from last time were that I’m not going to wait for 6 weeks until my flow is established before expressing and bottle feeding – I do believe Callum never had a problem switching to bottle because he had both breast & bottle from the start. This is also what I understand from other people’s experiences too and those that solely breastfed (from breast) and didn’t use a bottle at all until much later often had a much more difficult transition period – some babies never mastering a bottle! I want Stuart to share in the feeding so I can have a break from time to time!

Finally, to end on a high, Stuart finally felt the baby move last night – woohooooooo! Kicks and wiggles are in full swing as I am typing now! I think I am calling her Wiggles or Wiggly while she is in the womb as that seems to be what comes to mind when I talk about her.