A non-Callum/non-Mummy post (sensitive)

Sorry for hijacking this blog with something non-mummy related but even mummies suffer grief - often more than they should in a lifetime! But, it was something I wanted to talk about and I had no other suitable forum to do so.

Anyway, we had some sad news this week. My Uncle (my Dad's brother) passed away on Monday following a fight against cancer for almost a year. And fight is the word! My uncle could do little to fight actually against the disease but he fought hard to keep hold of his pride and dignity. Over the past few months he suffered a rapid decline to become a man that was unrecognisable from the one he was. He was a tall, stocky man but to see him just before he died, he was literally skin and bone and had aged about 20 years.

This weekend, I was in Essex for a wedding. As I was going to be close to where my Uncle lived I decided to go and see him. It wasn't an easy decision. When my Nan was ill I made a conscious decision not to go and see her because I wanted to keep my memories of her when she was well, not for my memory of her to be of how she was when she was ill. With my Nan, though, it would have meant a journey specifically to go and see her. This time, I was going to be in the area anyway and thought I would really regret being so close and not going to see my Uncle one last time. That may sound like excuses to some but neither decision was taken lightly.

I am so pleased that I did see him and think it was the right decision. Yes, he was unrecognisable to the Uncle I remembered before he was ill; Yes, it was uncomfortable, for want of a better word. But I don't regret saying one last goodbye.

What I think is strange is how the human mind copes with such tragic occasions. When I left him that day, at several points through the afternoon/evening and for most of the journey on our way home, I cried. When I wasn't crying, tears were never far away. It hurt to think of the man before and to see what he had become. The next day, I was a little stronger and went to work as (almost) normal but he was always on my mind. I hadn't slept well for the past 3 nights because he was on my mind. Then I got THE text. My phone beeped and I saw it was from my Dad and new this was the text. It took a minute to sink in but then I cried. I ran to the toilet and tried to compose myself. I thought I should tell my Line Manager as this would mean there would be a funeral and I would need to arrange leave from work. As soon as I got in her office, I broke down The poor lady to have this woman burst in to tears on her and garble a message about her Uncle. She was lovely though, made me a cup of tea and sat down talking to me until I felt ready to go back to my desk. She said I could go home if I wished but I preferred the distraction that work would offer. Again, tears were never far away but I managed to hold it together for the rest of the working day and even most of the evening at home.

Then the next day, everything felt a little easier. I haven't forgotten him, I still think about him a lot but the tears aren't bursting at the tear duct seams. It has only been a day but already my mind is trying to heal the hurt. I can talk about it matter of factly. Don't get me wrong, I am still just as upset. If I was to think about things in the same way as I did when I saw him or the day he passed away, I would be just the same as I was then but it is like my mind has distanced me from the pain and has put in a block. I was worried that I would only be able to remember him as I last seen him and the old him would be forgotten but that hasn't been the case. I struggle to remember him as he looked on Sunday but the picture of the old uncle comes springing back. It is like trying to remember a man you have just met compared to one that you have known all your life. To me, they weren't the same person, which probably explains why my memory works like that.

I wonder if I am normal. I have always known that I am good at diverting the pain of such occasions so that I can deal with it but then I wonder whether I am actually dealing with it or instead burying my head in the sand. Will it come back to bite me at a later date.

The funeral is on Wednesday next week. I know I will face the pain once more then. I also know that everyone deals with grief in their own way. But is there a 'correct' way to deal with grief? Am I cold hearted? Should there be an acceptable time period and does it change depending on how close you were to that person?

I guess, for me, time may tell...

Thomas aholic

I guess nothing unusual for most mothers of boys around the world but Callum is definitely well and truly into his Thomas the Tank Engine. Helped largely by us I imagine but he always talks of Trains, Thomas (or Momous as he calls him), Choo choos etc. He loves his Thomas t-shirts and everytime we go past a railway he points it out and says Momous. He has gone to nursery today as Thomas as they had to go dressed as their favourite character for charity.

Callum talks and copies words a lot more now. He is trying to count but unfortunately can only really say 2 and maybe 3. So his counting just goes 2, 3 (too, tee), 2, 3, 2, 3...

Callum has been doing some really good jumping for a while and loves doing it all the time. Very cute. He used to say "mou" for bounce but has started saying jump instead.

He is also getting better at walking up and down the stairs. He has to hold on to something and usually a hand as well but will attempt it if no one is around. I'm fine if I am at the bottom of the stairs but it scares the life out of me if I am at the top looking down.

I have recently been showing Callum photos of him and the family and he really enjoys pointing people out and me naming them. He doesn't necessarily remember all their names yet but he does try to say them. He knows the obvious ones of course - Mummy, Daddy, Callum and Lotte but will say after prompting, Grandma, Nanna, Grandpa and any others that we point out. If you catch him in the right mood he will also say something on the phone too. You do need to catch him in the right mood though.

Bit disappointed again with Callum's next developmental check by the Health Visitor. Basically it was a letter asking if there was anything we were concerned with, compared against a list of milestones they should be reaching. If we were concerned with anything they would arrange a phone call or a visit. I was so cross that they weren't going to do a proper check that I put a couple of things on the form regardless. One was about how to encourage Callum to walk more when he is more than capable and the other, which is actually a genuine concern, was about his coughs that he always has. I was privileged enough to receive a phone call, which I missed so picked up the message. When I called back, the HV had no idea what it was about or why she had called until I had to spell it out for her. I told her I was worried about his adenoids and she concurred and recommended we get him checked out. I can't believe they aren't interested in seeing him for themselves. No height and weight check, no hearing check - everything is just taken on our say so. I am trying to tell myself that it is probably because they concentrate on those families that obviously need the help and we must be low risk as I know most other people (including in the same area) have received proper 2 year checks but it still annoys me that we don't seem to get the same 'service' as everyone else.

Anyway, I did take Callum to the Dr and she is hesitant to go down the adenoids route yet as that will inevitably mean surgery and wants us to wait a couple of months to see how he goes. So, still waiting. If I see blood in his cot again, I am taking him straight back! In fairness, he isn't too bad at the moment, he just has the occasional cough to clear the catarrh. I've renewed his inhaler again which may sort that out. Although the Dr did recommend trying for a bit without it. I guess we just need to wait and see now.

Mummy's Little Helper

Callum is being a great little slave...I mean helper at the moment. I love it, and trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

He helps me cook (put vegetables into pots/saucepans once cut; stir; mix ingredients; chief taster), helps me take delivery of and unpack the shopping, stack and unstack the dishwasher, put things in the bin, sweep up. Its great. If I ask him to help mummy, he stops whatever moaning he is doing and eagerly steps up to the challenge. I'm going to make him read this post when he is 10 and wont do his chores to earn his pocket money....maybe I should be thinking about pocket money now....or maybe not, he doesn't know chores = pocket money yet .

Other things I love is his doing yoga to Waybuloo (Children's programme) and singing 'Chuggington' (another Children's programme).

Apart from the fact he is currently upstairs in bed whining 45 mins after he is meant to be asleep tonight, he has been really good at going to bed for a while now. Makes nights like tonight seem so strange.

We still have many episodes of him asserting his independence and freedom of choice!!!! Mainly around getting dressed in the morning. We have so many fights about swapping his pj top for a t-shirt.

We are also having a nightmare with him insisting to be carried. It drives us nuts. He is more than capable of walking and a fair distance too but he will take a couple of steps and then cry to be picked up. I'm really trying to be tough and make him walk by leaving him (when safe to do so) but I can't stand all the mum's looking at me as if to say "you cruel mum, he just wants a cuddle". A friend at work gave some advice to play games and keep him distracted all the time when walking. He said his child was like it for a while but playing games with him helped get him over it. Another friend recommended making sure he had something to hold like a toy or anything really as that helped both her children. I will try the above and report back soon.

We have just had a letter through regarding Callum's 2 year Health Visitor check. There was a checklist of milestones that he pretty much met all of so guess we are happy with his development. It would still be nice if they actually did a personal visit though. I feel like everyone else gets a personal visit and a higher standard of service but we keep missing out. I am trying to myself that it is probably because we are one of the lower risk families and they try to concentrate on the higher risk families and those that really need the support but I feel it would be so easy to hide from people any development shortfalls or deny anything was wrong or worrying.

Nursery were saying today that he seems quite advanced in his awareness - especially when he is observing or joining in with the older children. Always good for a mother to hear that as you do nothing but doubt their development etc.

Callum is saying lots of words now. Think I might have said in last post that I've lost count. His favourite saying is "all gone now" but says lots more and combines more than one word together. I loved it the other day when he came up to me and wanted what I had in my hand and wanted to give me what was in his hand and said "swap mummy" - he hadn't said it before and surprised me. It shouldn't have done as I am always saying it to him - usually telling him to swap something from one hand to the other so I can put his coat on or seat belt. Was so clearly said though. Must seem silly for me to get so excited over such a small thing but I love every new word he says. He is also 'usually' quite good with his manners. Apparently, much better than the older children at nursery. He says "yes please" and "thank you" all the time now - I am now trying to teach him to say "no thank you" when he doesn't want something rather than just scream or shout!!

Callum's First Foreign Holiday

Overall, we had a lovely time on holiday in Portugal but, like Callum's Birthday, there were disappointing moments.

Firstly, I just can't help but say 'I told you so' to Stuart. Stuart had booked a taxi to take us to the airport. Already, a couple of days before the airport I was feeling anxious about it getting us to the airport just 2 hours before we were due to take off. For me, this is unthinkable. I usually aim to get to the airport 3 hours before we fly but actually end up getting there nearer 4 hours before. There have been a couple of times where the check in desk hasn't even been open yet. Stuart did remind me of when we went to Gatwick (which is where we were flying this time) when going on holiday with my family and there was nothing open early in the morning. As we were getting to the airport early again this time (aiming to get there for just after 5am) I could see his point but I was still uncomfortable with it. I was worried there would be a big queue, as the check would have already been open for an hour. I had this vision of our usual eating breakfast somewhere with a drink, doing a bit of shopping and then going through to departures to see the aeroplanes with Callum.

In reality - The taxi turned up a few minutes late, we got to the airport about 30 mins later than planned, in fairness, the check in queue wasn't too bad and moved quickly and likewise for security but then we got Callum dressed, I bought some glasses, grabbed a MacMuffin from MacDonalds and they were calling us in to departures. We put Callum on a little ride and they were calling last boarders - we had to do the run to departures (why does your gate always appear to be the furthest possible gate away when you are running late?) and there was no one left in the departure lounge. I was hastily, in a more haste less speed type of way, trying to close up the pushchair and shove it in the buggy bag. We eventually did it got on and sat down, and to my relief another couple of passengers got on after us - we weren't the last, hoorah!

Because we had got Callum up so early (about 4.15am) he wasn't in any mood to fly. We didn't have a window as it was between the seats. My hopes were raised when there was a little boy in the seats behind us who was all keen and wide eyed. He held a little of Callum's interest but not for long. Callum wasn't fussed with his breakfast and was generally grumpy. Thankfully, it wasn't a long flight but by the time we were landing, we were that family with young child you didn't want to be sitting near! It was then, I realised we hadn't dosed him up with calpol. It was too late by then but I tried to give him some at that point. He ended up squeezing most of it over me!

Flight finally over and we collected luggage and found our coach. Callum enjoyed the coach journey then fell asleep - yay! It was only a short coach ride though - both fortunately and unfortunately.

When we got to the hotel it was about 12noon and the rooms weren't ready until 2pm. They had a luggage storage area though so we dropped off our luggage and quickly changed into shorts and then had a nose by the pool. We had a quick drink by the pool and Callum was very excited to see the pool and wanted to go in it there and then. We decided to explore and find somewhere to have lunch. Callum then began his hunger protest! He hardly ate anything at all for the whole holiday unless it was a crisp, chip or cheese!

After some lunch, we could check into our room so it was a quick unpack and change into swimming stuff so we could go jump in the pool. Frrrrrr - it was cold. But once you were in you got used to it. It was hard for Callum being so cold though. He wanted to stay in but he would be shivering and turning blue around the lips.

That evening we walked to find the bars and restaurants and somehow managed to find Albufeira Old Town by following some dolled up girls. Callum fell asleep on the way down there which we thought was a result - only to wake up halfway through our meal - and wasn't a happy bunny. We threw the end of our meal and drinks down our neck and got him to sleep again eventually.

We had our Welcome Meeting the next morning. The scary shark mascot was mildly interesting to Callum for a bit but, as long as these meetings always are, their inevitably became a point where we had to tag team - one of us had to stay in the meeting and the other one had to take Callum out. However, we did find out in the meeting that their was a 'strip' as it was actually called in the other direction to which we walked the previous night. We thought we would check it out that evening. Yep, we found Brits Abroad Street. We weren't impressed and made the decision to go to the Old Town. We got a taxi and we didn't go back except to hire a car!

Rather than going into detail about every day, I will now try to summarise.

We ate out in the Old Town every night except one night where we ate just outside in a posh restaurant for Stuart's Birthday - believe me it was brave going there with Callum with the mood he had been in all holiday.

Callum's mood was mainly grumpy with happy moments. At the beginning of the holiday, Callum loved the pool and was quite confident but by the end of it it took some time to build his confidence. We took him in the sea a couple of times too.

Some nights we managed to get Callum to sleep in the pushchair quite easily, other times it took a little more work but we usually got some time to ourselves (with Callum in the pushchair of course).

Callum's highlight of the holiday was this little train that went in a circle round from the Old Town, near our Hotel and The Strip and back to Old Town. We managed to go on it 4 times in one day!

One day we went to a water park. It was the coolest day and quite windy which meant it was particularly chilly getting in the water and took us all a little while to warm up to it. There was a kiddy playground bit for Callum with lots of little slides and he was allowed to go on one of the bigger slides on our laps. Then we tagged team again with one playing with Callum in the playground bit while the other went on a couple of big slides.

As previously mentioned, we also hired a car. We hired it for 3 days and one day drove to Spain - why not do 2 countries in one holiday. Found a lovely gorgeous beach at this little place called Isla Christina.

We also tried to do a couple of other sight seeing bits but there isn't really much to see in the South of Portugal.

As I said at the start, overall it was a good holiday, but it also had its moments.

Thankfully, the flight home was at a more decent hour of 11am. We had enough time to eat some breakfast and do some shopping at the airport and still get to show Callum some aeroplanes. We had a window seat and pretty much managed to entertain Callum for the whole flight (still didn't really eat his meal again. A couple of nibbles here and there!). We had also remember the calpol before the flight this time. Then minutes before we started the descent, he fell asleep. Stuart was disappointed Callum didn't get to watch the plane land out of the window but at least he was crying this time.

Home Sweet Home.

Callum appears to be much happier to be home and has mainly been in a fab mood (except a small hiccup this morning). Long may it continue!

Portugal again next year....someone accidentally booked this year's holiday for next year. We purposely avoided the area we are going to next year just in case we saw it and didn't like the look of it. To be honest, I just hope Callum enjoys it more. We kept a few things back to do next year so I'm sure it will be fine.

Terrible Two

So much to write that I am going to break it up into 3 posts for you. First post - Terrible Two!

It was Callum's Birthday on 2 September. I had managed to arrange to go into work late and Stuart went in a little later too, so that we could enjoy opening presents with Callum. I'd arranged with nursery that I would take Callum in about 11-11.30am.

We got up, dressed and went downstairs - eventually. Callum was in one of those moods where he didn't want to do anything you wanted him to or he should do.

I gathered Callum's presents and cards together in the lounge and he got straight into opening them. In fact, Stuart had to stall him so I could hurry back from kitchen.

He had already had his main present from us and Grandparents, which was a bit big to fit in the house as it was a trampoline.

We...I mean he loves it (he he). Actually, he is a little too light to bounce on it on his own at the moment so we have to go on it with him...well, that's our story and we are sticking to it ;o)

Back to his other presents, he got lots of nice things - a farm, a truck, money, puzzles among other presents - but I think his favourite thing (at least for the morning) was his froggy umbrella.

He insisted on having it up in the house.

After presents were opened, Stuart went off to work as he had a meeting and Callum became difficult again. First he wanted to go with Daddy, so I thought I would take him out as there were bits I could do in town. He then refused to put shoes on. Then didn't want to put his umbrella down to get in the car. It was one thing after another. He just didn't want to do anything he should,

He wasn't as bad in town but wasn't easy either. I would have taken him to the park but I just couldn't wait to get him to nursery which was sad. I was a bit disappointed it hadn't been the lovely morning I had hoped. But I had taken a cake into nursery for him to share with his friends and I knew he would have a lovely time there and much better than spent with me anyway.

He had a grumpy face when I took him to nursery but apparently he did cheer up.

They told me that he was smiling and excited when they brought the Birthday hat out but was in shock when they put it on his head - he didn't move.

Again, it was disappointing not to be able to have the cake with him and see his face. Nursery said they have taken some photos which they would send me but I have not received them yet. I had a quick look at the photos on their camera though.

He was a little better in the evening - helped by him having his new toys to play with.

I'm hoping that his grumpy, difficult mood wont linger too far into his twos. Hooray for Terrible Twos!

2 minus 4 days

Still nearly 2.

We had a lovely day yesterday. We decided, as we are going on holiday 2 days after Callum is 2, and we are both working on his birthday (though will be going in to work late), to celebrate his Birthday just as a family on the weekend before. So, decided to go to Chessington. We were thinking of the Zoo but didn't want to go into London and the only other Zoo is further South which I didn't think would be a good journey to make on a Summer Bank Holiday!!! So, we thought Chessington might be a better bet as they have the Zoo and rides.

We had a lovely day. Apart from one 2 minute blip, the weather was pretty good all day. We saw some animals, including gorillas, lions, tigers, sealions and lots of fish and lizards. We also went on a few rides. We were prepared for it being busy because of it being a bank holiday but were still surprised that we had to wait for 30 mins or more for some of the children's rides. Still, we probably went on more than we normally do when it is just Stuart and I (and usually friends) going on the big rides. We went on some flying elephants (twice) which Callum, for some reason, called Moomas. We went on them twice as Callum could see them from another ride in the afternoon and was pointing to them saying Moomas pease. We also went on the cars that go round a track (2 diffrerent types), the merry go round and the skyrail. Callum was so good all day. It wasn't fun for him having to queue so long for rides and he just doesn't understand the concept of queueing but he was very well behaved. Especially as he didn't have a nap all day. Far too exciting to nap!

On Thursday, we will just go into work late so we can enjoy the morning with him opening his presents. Think I mentioned last post that we were going to, but we have bought a trampoline for his birthday with the help of grandparents. We did start putting it up today but then it chucked it down so will probably finish it tomorrow. After seeing how much fun Callum was having on some trampolines yesterday, I can't wait for him to see it.

Speaking of which, Callum can now jump properly...leave the ground and everything. And I mean from the ground, not whilst on a trampoline. Clever boy!

He is getting better at scribbling. Sounds a funny thing to say but can't quite call it drawing. I have just noticed he has better control over the pen/pencil and drawls circles now rather than just back and forth. He is learning new words all the time. So much so, I have lost track. He is really good at his colours and has started to get interested in counting (though can't actually count yet).

I am really looking forward to our holiday to Portugal next week. The first time abroad with Callum. It is the first time in years and years I've been really excited about a holiday. I know it wont be as relaxing as holidays used to be, what with having to watch Callum like a hawk near the pool and stuff. But I just can't wait. To see his face when we see the aeroplanes at the airport and to be in and out of the pool, to go to the beach. Not to mention for us all to see some sunshine. The holiday can't come quick enough.

23 months - eek nearly 2

Wow, less than a month before my little boy is 2.

Well, a lurgy disease finally caught up with Callum. This week he caught Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease. It is a pox virus that is similar to Chicken Pox virus. However, the spots are smaller and seem to congregate around the obvious hand, foot and mouth area as well as bottom/genitals and knees. It is one of those childhood diseases that you normally get before you are 10. You can be quite poorly with it but thankfully Callum has been quite happy...just contagious.

It did mean we had to keep him off nursery a couple of days - Tuesday and Wednesday - but they were happy to accept him back today even though he still has spots. I think it is because the main infectious period is 3-5 days including the 3 before any spots show. As long as you are hot on hygiene then it seems to be OK.

Nursery had dropped a uniform on us! They have bought in a polo shirt and sweatshirt in a multitude of colours for all children. We are not too impressed for many reasons.

• One being the practicalities of it. They currently change them in the afternoons into clean clothing so they don't go home dirty. They did say they wont continue with this so, as long a they aren't sick or have a nappy explosion, they'll go home in whatever state they are in. Problem being, they play with water, paints, dirt!!! Even if they don't change them they are likely to need a change of top for the next day - making a need for 5 polo shirts and a few sweatshirts for winter. At this age, you can't expect them to try to stay clean - being this age is all about exploring, getting dirty and having fun.
• This leads on to the second concern - the cost. With this number of 'uniforms and then they grow quite a bit in a year. This is all on top of a 5% fee rise in September. Oh and the uniforms have to be in place in September and can only be bought from the Nursery.
• Then there is the very non-uniform uniform! There is about 8 choices of colours for the polo shirt and 6 for the sweat shirt. They are hardly going to look 'uniform'!!

Ultimately, I just think they are too young to have a compulsory uniform. I'd understand it more if it was optional for pre-school and would probably take part but for a 2 year old (or 1 year old as that is the minimum age of admittance - though they have taken younger), I just don't think is practical. In fact, I have no doubt that it is purely a money making scheme for the nursery - to fund the Manager's new nursery and the extensions to the current one.

Phew! Rant over, I'll get off my soap box now!

On to more positive things.

Callum is still attempting new words. He said cuddle today. He can now say blue and red. He can say train, plane, car, outside, on. Starting to lose track now as there are new words all the time. Sometimes they are not the clearest of words and non-toddler speakers may need a translator but he is making progress. He is trying to join more than one word together too. I didn't count 'all gone' as it is more of a phrase whereas now I think he is trying to say things as two separate words in a sentence. For example 'light on'. I am pretty sure, before long, we'll be hoping he'll shut up again as he turns into a little chatter box.

So, with the big 2 approaching, thoughts turn to birthday presents. We have decided, with the help of grandparents, to buy him a trampoline. He just loves bouncing! Not a huge one, probably about 6ft. It is meant to ok until they are about 10 so should last him a while. Not sure that we will actually do much to celebrate it - mean mummy - but we are going away 2 days later and I realised last year that they really aren't that aware yet. Maybe I'll bake him some cakes and go out somewhere he'll enjoy with him the weekend before. We'll do something next year when he'll appreciate it more.

The NCT mums are arranging a group birthday celebration so, assuming we can make it, he'll do something to celebrate.