A problem shared still leaves me with the chores!



I've just read a couple of articles about the University of Minnesota concluding after research that Mums are less happy and more tired than dads because they are doing the lion share of the parenting and household jobs.

I replied with a flippant comment in agreement with the 'discovery' but thought I'd write a fairer reply.

My husband isn't useless and does 'parent'.

It has always been important to me that he was fully involved in the parenting and the decisions. I didnt want to be like many couples where the mum could go away for the night without leaving step by step instructions - he was their dad, he should know.

That had pretty much been the case with the awareness that I have spent more time with them so have had to make decisions without him at changing phases and this requires communication.

I also wrote a post early in Callum's life (Some Mothers don't have it) acknowledging that mum doesn't always know best and we should trust dads more and try their ideas without being so quick to dismiss.

How life looks now is that typically we share school drop off and bedtime duties (one will cook while the other puts to bed and we alternate each night).

I'm working away more often now so Stuart will be solely responsible for the children just like I am when he is working away or late home. No brainer and what you would expect to happen.

I am lucky that we can afford a cleaner once a week (we pay my mum) so many household chores are taken out of the equation.

However, the debate over who does more still regularly raises its ugly head.

By way of example, on a Monday we usually come home from work together. He will come in, get changed, grab something to eat and sit on the sofa reading on his phone. Meanwhile, I'm helping with homework, making tea for kids, emptying and putting out bins, doing laundry, emptying and restacking the dishwasher and generally running round like a blue-arsed fly!

In the mornings I get up and dressed, get kids up and dressed, get them breakfast, make tea, empty and restack dishwasher, sort washing, stack bags, hurry them out the door. He'll typically get up 45 minutes later, get himself up, drink his tea, grab a banana or yogurt and get in the car. When I complain, apparently it's because I set the alarm too early and it all works out fine when I'm not around and he doesn't set the alarm at all. I have two issues with this:

1. He doesn't do the other jobs I typically do in the morning;
2. I have had to set the alarm earlier because I struggled to get everything done and be ready on time at the previous time I set it for. 

There are no pink jobs and blue jobs in this house. Quite frankly they are either my jobs or our jobs. So no this isn't about gender or anti-feminism or out of date shovenistic beliefs, it is just about there only being room for one lazy person in a household and that person can't be me. 

The arguments from him about how he works all day (when I was home with them - and yes, he really did say that) and then how he has a more stressful and draining job are not viable and he now admits this. Now we work for the same company he realises that just because he has more senior responsibilities, it doesn't mean my job isn't tiring or stressful. 

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. He is a good father and spends time with his family, takes our son to football every Sunday, plays with them, is much better than I am at role play games and has been a big support. 

These aren't things to be sniffed at and shouldn't go without recognition. 

Sure, he sometimes does the dishwasher, once in a blue moon he'll empty the bin without being asked and might even sweep a patch of floor and then follows the sentence "Did you notice that I swept the floor?", yes and I meant to thank you but how about everything I do that is attributed to the housework fairy? 

Making sure childcare is paid for, paying for trips, buying new uniform is also left to me and then sometimes criticised when I get it wrong. 

I'm not expecting a medal I just want to share the jobs and responsibilities. This will make for a happier Mummy and not the parent that is always the grumpy shouty one! 

So this is my balanced opinion on who does more around the house and don't get me started on who is more tired / gets more sleep. That's a whole other blog post. 

Rant over!  If you are still reading this far, thank you and well done. 

The forecast for the foreseeable future is wet, wet, wet.

Callum has been dry in the day (except the odd accident) for some time – probably about 18 months.

When we first moved to Bournemouth, which was shortly after we started potty training, Callum would get up in the night to go to the toilet and  a couple of times he had a dry pull-up by morning - but not consistently so I did not push it or attempt to take away the pull-up.

I’ve been advised and the information you find on Google is that it is not unusual for children of 6 to still be wet during the night and that they will naturally progress to dry nights on their own. It is best not to attempt to try to take away the pull-up until they have had several consecutive dry nights.

Because of this, I’ve ignored pressure from my mum to try to get him dry at night as I was confident he just wasn’t ready.

As time has gone on, Callum’s pull-up has got heavier and heavier and fills so much it leaks – meaning a change of bed sheets. This can happen 3 times in a week and is making keeping on top of washing impossible and I wondered if Callum was in fact just being lazy!

After all, my Mum, like lots of parents, had us all dry at night in a week after being potty trained! Surely, it was worth a try at least! I was already having to do the washing of sheets and was already up in the night for Millie – actually, was I mad? They could tag team!!

Anyway, I got prepared – I layered Callum’s bed with waterproof mattress protector, waterproof pad, bed sheet, another waterproof pad & 2 towels. I explained to Callum that he was going to go to bed without the pull-up that night. He was apprehensive but I explained we would go to the toilet just before bed and he was to go to the toilet if he needed it or hold until morning.

I checked him at 12.30am when I fed Millie and he was dry. Then again at 5.30am I suspected he was already wet. Sure enough, when he woke after 7 he was wet. He didn’t want to get out of bed and seemed embarrassed.

I told him not to worry, we could just try again the next night. When he did get up, he was up beat and said enthusiastically he would try again. Encouraged by this, I explained this time I would take him to the toilet when we went to bed (as in Stuart and I), which I did. He was still dry at that time.

By morning, he was wet again.

He went into Stuart while I was getting Millie up and said he wanted to wear pull-ups and didn’t want me putting him to bed anymore.

It broke my heart and I realised he really wasn’t ready. Normally, I always give these things at least a week and within 2-3 days he’s got whatever it is we are ‘training’. This time, I knew, if we tried again that night we would be putting too much pressure on him too soon.

So we are back in pull-ups but I am hopeful this little exercise has at least reminded Callum that the aim is to try for a dry pull-up rather than being lazy & going for a wee in his pull-up just because he can. At least this might stop me from having to make quite so many bed changes & sheet washes!

Its all about trial & error this parenting lark!

Repeat after me..”It’s just a phase”

Oh dear, I’m going through another I love you but I don’t like you phase with Callum at the moment.

He is behaving like a very spoilt child where every sentence starts with “I want….” and then follows with a whining “I don’t want….” when he gets it (after I make him ask for it nicely “May I have…”, I don’t respond to the I want behaviour).

I then feel like we spend the whole time at each other’s throats, which is exhausting, so will try to plan something nice to do together. I hold my hands up here and say I’m not finding it easy going out at the moment. I am not a good winter person and if the sun isn’t shining, I prefer to hibernate, but I know Callum needs stimulation and often needs more than what can be offered from staying inside – especially as he was poorly last week so we were forced to spend a few days cooped up inside.

So, today, taking advantage of the sun shining and despite the cold whether, I took him to the Aviation Museum at Bournemouth Airport. He actually woke up in a really good mood this morning too so I was looking forward to the trip.

We have a nice enough time in there and he wants a helicopter from the shop so I get him one.

We pop in to see my Dad who works in the grounds and within minutes he has broken the helicopter – he now no longer likes it. When we say goodbye and get in the car he starts to get ‘difficult’ he sees the helicopter which I’ve put down on the seat for a minute while I plug him in (which he doesn’t want to happen) and shouts “No, I don’t want the helicopter, I don’t want it” while trying to get to it when I know he will throw it.

We get home and I try to make lunch and he starts demanding again:

“I want it cold” while grabbing the bread.

“I don’t want butter on it”

“I want it hot”

“I don’t want a sandwich” repeated about 30 times increasing in volume and aggression each time he says it.

“I don’t want cheese, I want ham” (me – “we don’t have any ham, we only have cheese”)

“I want a ham sandwich, I want ham, I don’t want cheese”

He then starts to hit and kick at me.

I carry him up to his bedroom for time out! The stair is getting less effective these days!

Now I know behaviour deteriorates when he is hungry and I factor this in but it is rarely in this spoilt way and this is just one example from over the last few days. There have been plenty of times when he has been like this when I know he isn’t hungry. He woke up screaming and demanding yesterday – not the most enjoyable sound at 6.45am!!!

He keeps also misbehaving for attention. Or uses going to the toilet as an attention tool.He is more than capable of going to the toilet on his own, does all the time at nursery and sometimes does at home but he makes us go with him all the time and wants us to pull down his trousers and pants then pull them up again. I refuse to do it! It is probably our own fault for this happening because, when time is an issue, we’ve done it to speed things up so have clearly built a rod for our own back but he’s got to start doing it himself! He is and has always been lazy. Once he can do something himself, he loses interest and will try anything he can to not do it and get us to do it for him. The only way through it is to be tough.

He has to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around him and he can’t be so demanding. Especially when he gets a baby brother or sister and I wont be able to dedicate so much time running around after him – he will get quite a shock to the system!!

I know it is just a phase at the moment. He goes through these phases then a week or two later he is back to being his loveable self again – I only have to read back through this blog to know this much. Its just so miserable at the time when you are going through it!

I’ve vowed to whip out the reward chart when we move (I’d do it now but can’t find where I’ve put the pad!) to cover the following:

• Going to the toilet on his own
• Washing his hands after the toilet
• Cleaning his teeth
• Eating his dinner himself (all that BLW down the drain!)
• and general good behaviour

All things we are going to need to tackle to encourage him to be more independent!

I feel guilty (when does a parent not feel guilty?) because his behaviour is probably our own doing in a lot of the cases! When things are good, I imagine we get a bit lax with things and then when they go down hill, we get angry at Callum when I should probably be looking at myself.

Oh the joys of parenting!

Reading that back, it sounds like I’m being really hard on him and maybe expecting too much but its all stuff I know he can do and has done and he doesn’t behave like this all the time, he just goes through periods so maybe that’s why I’m expecting so much.

Sigh, I hate writing posts like this, I end up feeling like such a bad parent that rather than be my therapy I wonder if it just makes me feel worse…

Where Do You Blog?

Eek! The meme I’ve been dreading – to show where, exactly, it is that I write my blog, to decide whether it is saintly or slatternly - and I have the lovely Tales of a Twin Mum to thank (Love You! ). So, here it is!

I’m actually scared to publish the picture and all I want to do is precede it with apologies and excuses! And to think it is actually looking fairly tidy at the moment!!! Although I could give many, I’ll just give you the one excuse – this is our temporary home before we buy our new place and we don’t quite fit in this one!! As for the other excuses, I’m sure you can make up your own as if you have kids (little or big (as in husbands)) and/or pets, you will know where I’m coming from!

OK, so I’ll stop stalling and just paste it in…

The first one being where I sit and my laptop the second being my view – Celebrity Masterchef at this precise moment in time! 

I guess it suits me as most of my blogging is done in the evening in front of the TV. We don’t have a proper ‘office’ space for me to sit at but, even if we did, I wouldn’t sit there as I like the comfort of the living room and company of my husband, cat and TV of an evening.

The sofa normally has a colourful (sick) blanket covering it – affectionately called a sick blanket, not because of its appearance or because it is covered in sick, but because it is the blanket my Mum crocheted when we were little and it was used to keep us warm when we were poorly! However, the cat completely misunderstood this sentiment and was actually sick on it!!! So it is currently drying by the radiator just out of shot to the right of the sofa after being washed!

Looking at the second photo – I’ve decided I can’t stand the curtains being open that tiny bit to make way for the flowers so have since moved the flowers and closed the curtains properly – that probably says a lot about me! I am trying my damnedest to ignore the coat hanging on the door as we don’t have anywhere we can put coats so it’ll just have to stay there!

There I go with the excuses again! I’ll stop now and hurry up and press the publish button before I chicken out! I’d call me slatternly!

Although, before I go…”TAG, YOUR IT!” (not all of you, don’t worry, just the victims I’ve chosen below – check out their blogs if you haven’t already!)

The Perfect Bad Mummy

Pie and Bear

Hopes, Dreams and Morning Sickness

coodababy

Encouraging Independence

I posted a while back in April, State of Independence, about how independent Callum is – or maybe how lazy his parents are!

I read an interesting article in The Independent recently, written by a fellow blogger, Katie Gunn called ‘The Lazy Mother’s Guide to Parenting’. Not only was it good to know I wasn’t alone but it was also good to hear that, actually, I am probably doing Callum a favour.

It made me take another look at Callum’s ‘independence’ and I felt an update post was in order.
We all like to eke out that time in the morning when your child is up and you want just an extra 1 or 2 minutes (or hours) in bed. Well, we’re no different!

So, when Callum comes in to our room of a morning wanting breakfast, we try to convince him to play in his room for just 5 more minutes…Callum, not content with this thought has often gone downstairs and helped himself to cereal, pouring it in a bowl. Thankfully, he tends to then leave out the milk but there have been occasions where he hasn’t and there has been a large puddle of milk on the floor – he hasn’t quite worked out control while pouring yet.

He even started to make himself a cheese sandwich once (I may have told you that already) – it was when Stuart had to work from home as Callum was poorly then had a miracle turn around following the wonder of Calpol! While Stuart was caught up with work, we think Callum may have got bored (and too hungry) to wait for him to finish what he was doing.

I may have, on more than one occasion, gone along with his wish to wear wellies when it is bright sunshine outside because it means he can get them on himself without my help. In fairness, he has Velcro fastening trainers now, which he can also do himself, so all good!

I have often gone out with Callum looking like I dressed him in the dark, because he has chosen his own clothes and, of course, I want to ‘encourage him’ to make his own decisions…! Sometimes, I can’t blame Callum for his poor fashion sense as I have chosen the clothes but I don’t tell anyone else that of course!

I have started to let him go into the men’s toilet on his own when there is a wait for the ladies’. It makes perfect sense to me, we can either stand in a queue until its too late and there is a puddle on the floor, or he can go in to the men’s toilets on his own – he insists on going in a cubicle on his own anyway. I now just look like a weirdo hanging around outside men’s toilets trying to sneak a look in every time the door opens…that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!.

Callum is still at that age where he is happy to do jobs for you and help. Like, get you a piece of kitchen towel or something from the fridge say, like, erm, a can of beer for Daddy maybe (ahem!). And we’d never dream of exploiting him for his willingness to help, nope, not us! We may finish a sandwich and put the plate down on the floor intending to take it out when we next go. Callum will see it, pick it up and take it out for us – and then follows a crash as it is thrown into the sink, but hey, its saved us a trip…and washing up too, if the said item hasn’t survived the sink throw!

The following is slightly less focused on laziness but more in wonder at what else Callum can do on his own or what he tries to do…

• He can now stand up to wee like a big boy.
• He has actually done the washing up a couple of times!! Admittedly, I did have to rewash most of it but he didn’t do too bad a job.
• He takes the washing up for me and puts the clothes away – I then have the funny task of trying to locate the clothes later. He usually separates his clothes from ours and puts his own clothes away correctly (or near enough) but he hasn’t quite mastered Stuart and my clothes yet. The other day I opened a drawer and found all of our clothes in the one drawer. At least he tries – you’ve got to reward him for that.
• He helps me put food shopping away – and again, often does a pretty good job! No incidents of finding items in strange places yet, which is probably better than I could say for myself, especially when I was pregnant! (tea bags in the fridge and milk in the cupboard!)
• He has been able to wash himself and clean his teeth himself for a while – probably not unusual for his age.
• He feeds Lotté (the cat)
• I’ve mentioned before that he helps me cook all the time, even cutting vegetables.
• He helps me sort dirty laundry and likes to help me add tablets/softener to the washing machine.
• He sweeps and mops the kitchen floor

(ok, maybe some of those still are focussed on lazy parenting…!)

This post isn’t meant to be one of those “look what my kid can do” as in a smug mother who thinks their child is better than everyone else’s – its actually meant to be just in wonder, as a mother, of what my child can do…as in comparison to what my husband can do, say…