Thursday 26 September 2013

Then it hits ya!

So, this is me:

“I’ve got to get back to work. I need to have grown up conversations. I need to continue my career before I lose it altogether. I’m not cut out to be a full time mum, there are so many others better at being a mum than me. My children can benefit so much from socialising with other children to develop their confidence and they can experience learning in a format I could never feel comfortable with. We need the money (but this falls under the can’t afford not to work but can’t afford to work bracket)”

Yes, mostly very selfish!

For so long I’ve been ready to go back to work. I remember saying when Millie was about 8 weeks old that I was ready mentally to return to work but emotionally I wasn’t there yet.

Well, yeah 11 months on, I’m still not emotionally there.

When Callum was 1, I started looking for work. It took me 6 months to find work and, despite the start of my return to work being blighted by illness and holidays, I never looked back. In fact I felt guilty for not feeling guilty when a colleague told me how her friend showed the photos of her child about 30 times on her first day at work.

We had a few nursery settling in issues and then a period of ‘catch every illness going’ but, on the whole, it was a good experience and I never regretted it.

Fast forward to now and it’s Millie’s turn. She has just turned 1 (Callum was 18 months) and I’ve found a job and am to return to work.

Great! I have a job! I’ve still got it, I deserve this, I can do this!

In many ways, I think Millie is of a better age than Callum, she is likely to settle a lot better than he did.

Then it hits me! Tonight!

I’m handing over my baby to be looked after by a handful of carers for 10 hours out of every week day! They are going to see her first steps, so many first words, so many firsts! She’ll know them more than she’ll know me.

One of the things I did blame Callum’s first nursery for – they’ll have a greater parental influence than me!

But, most of all, I’m going to miss my baby girl.

I’ve been with her nearly every day, all day, for the past 13 months and, when you’ve spent that much time in someone’s company, you are going to miss them! She is going to miss me!

So, what about Callum? Yes, that hasn’t passed me by either and with it brings a whole world of guilt! I know he was fine, I know he’ll be fine and he is currently thriving at school. Yes, I feel guilty that it will be a long day for him too but he often did 7.30am until 6pm on a Thursday or Friday at nursery.

And, believe me, it is knowing this that is keeping me going. Callum is fine, Millie will be fine, it’ll all be fine!

And hey! Nothing is forever! And I want this! This is right! It’ll be alright! THEY will be alright!

A poem for you:

As I will send you on your way, tell you it’s going to be ok
You’ll show the world your special smile, and I’ll be gone just a little while

As I walk away I won’t look behind, I’ll push your smiles from my mind
I know that for the world you will shine, and all the heartbreak will be mine

But I’ll be back, don’t you cry, those careful souls will sing a lullaby
Just remember my love for you, with you in everything you do

And I’ll remember your precious smile, and know it’s only for a while
Before you know it I will be back, and our love will be back on track

Then tomorrow it may start again, you will be free to make new friends
But knowing you will shine so bright, lets me know it will be alright.

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