Monday, 10 October 2011

Insecurities and Emotional Battles

Callum is having a bit of a hard time settling in to nursery. As is common, he plays when he is there but he really doesn’t want to go.

This morning was particularly tough. We started walking and talking about nursery and he said “I don’t want to go, I don’t like it” but I said he would have fun and play with lots of friends etc. Then when we got to the road that leads to his nursery road he stopped and wouldn’t go up it. He was saying “No, I want to go that way” wanting to continue on the road we were on. I had to pick him up and carry him there. He cuddled into me and made little whinnying noises. I took him in to breakfast and he held on tight to my hand not wanting me to go. I’m pretty sure as soon as I left the room he was better – one of the nursery carers sat next to him and started talking to him about his monkey (a stuffed toy monkey he took with him not anything weird!!!)

I start talking about nursery the day before he goes so he can prepare himself and on the morning I keep saying how long he’ll go for and when I will be there to pick him up. I’m trying to have something nice for him when I pick him up – either a little present or treat of some sort. On days (like today) when he is only there for half a day I ask him what he wants to do in the afternoon and we do something fun.

I am pretty sure its because he is only there 1.5 days – I remember when he was going to his previous nursery in Godalming for 1 day a week he never really settled until he went there full time. However, we can’t afford to send him there full time at the moment while I’m out of work. The days are split with the half day on Monday and the full day on Friday so I might ask to see if we can move the half day to be next to the full day.

The reason I am finding it so hard, despite my logical brain telling me as soon as I leave and the door closes behind me, he is happy as a sandboy and will be just fine, is because my emotional brain remembers when I was a 7/8 year old child. I wont go into detail but I was bullied by my cousin. My family used to be really close and pretty much every Friday was spent at my aunt & uncles (or so it felt to the younger me). My parents would stay there late and they would put me to bed there either on one of my cousin’s bedroom floor on a temporary bed or on the sofa in the lounge. What they didn’t know was my cousin was bullying me and so when I used to beg and plead that they didn’t leave me there when they left (to pick me up in the morning not because they didn’t want me any more I hastened to add!!), I really did mean it, I was petrified of waking up the next day in the same house. Often when I was asked if I ‘wanted’ to stay, my cousin used to hide around the corner and make me say yes when I soooooo didn’t want to. Anyway, like I said, that’s a different story and not one I’m going to go into but I said to myself as I grew up, I would listen to my child if s/he pleaded with me not to leave him/her somewhere. My parents trusted my cousin and they had no reason to fear something untoward was going on and just thought I was being silly and were sure I was having lots of fun. How were they to know?

Anyway, I picked up Callum after lunch today and I always take the chance when I first arrive to spy on him and, sure enough, he was happily playing. He gave me a big hug and then didn’t stop rabbiting to me. I asked him if he enjoyed nursery today and had fun to which he said a believable yes. I asked him if he wanted to go back to nursery on Friday and, once again, he said yes. So this has helped and reassured me that the morning faffing is just a little bit of insecurity and, naturally ;o), he’d just rather his Mummy got to enjoy his day at nursery with him!

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