A problem shared still leaves me with the chores!



I've just read a couple of articles about the University of Minnesota concluding after research that Mums are less happy and more tired than dads because they are doing the lion share of the parenting and household jobs.

I replied with a flippant comment in agreement with the 'discovery' but thought I'd write a fairer reply.

My husband isn't useless and does 'parent'.

It has always been important to me that he was fully involved in the parenting and the decisions. I didnt want to be like many couples where the mum could go away for the night without leaving step by step instructions - he was their dad, he should know.

That had pretty much been the case with the awareness that I have spent more time with them so have had to make decisions without him at changing phases and this requires communication.

I also wrote a post early in Callum's life (Some Mothers don't have it) acknowledging that mum doesn't always know best and we should trust dads more and try their ideas without being so quick to dismiss.

How life looks now is that typically we share school drop off and bedtime duties (one will cook while the other puts to bed and we alternate each night).

I'm working away more often now so Stuart will be solely responsible for the children just like I am when he is working away or late home. No brainer and what you would expect to happen.

I am lucky that we can afford a cleaner once a week (we pay my mum) so many household chores are taken out of the equation.

However, the debate over who does more still regularly raises its ugly head.

By way of example, on a Monday we usually come home from work together. He will come in, get changed, grab something to eat and sit on the sofa reading on his phone. Meanwhile, I'm helping with homework, making tea for kids, emptying and putting out bins, doing laundry, emptying and restacking the dishwasher and generally running round like a blue-arsed fly!

In the mornings I get up and dressed, get kids up and dressed, get them breakfast, make tea, empty and restack dishwasher, sort washing, stack bags, hurry them out the door. He'll typically get up 45 minutes later, get himself up, drink his tea, grab a banana or yogurt and get in the car. When I complain, apparently it's because I set the alarm too early and it all works out fine when I'm not around and he doesn't set the alarm at all. I have two issues with this:

1. He doesn't do the other jobs I typically do in the morning;
2. I have had to set the alarm earlier because I struggled to get everything done and be ready on time at the previous time I set it for. 

There are no pink jobs and blue jobs in this house. Quite frankly they are either my jobs or our jobs. So no this isn't about gender or anti-feminism or out of date shovenistic beliefs, it is just about there only being room for one lazy person in a household and that person can't be me. 

The arguments from him about how he works all day (when I was home with them - and yes, he really did say that) and then how he has a more stressful and draining job are not viable and he now admits this. Now we work for the same company he realises that just because he has more senior responsibilities, it doesn't mean my job isn't tiring or stressful. 

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. He is a good father and spends time with his family, takes our son to football every Sunday, plays with them, is much better than I am at role play games and has been a big support. 

These aren't things to be sniffed at and shouldn't go without recognition. 

Sure, he sometimes does the dishwasher, once in a blue moon he'll empty the bin without being asked and might even sweep a patch of floor and then follows the sentence "Did you notice that I swept the floor?", yes and I meant to thank you but how about everything I do that is attributed to the housework fairy? 

Making sure childcare is paid for, paying for trips, buying new uniform is also left to me and then sometimes criticised when I get it wrong. 

I'm not expecting a medal I just want to share the jobs and responsibilities. This will make for a happier Mummy and not the parent that is always the grumpy shouty one! 

So this is my balanced opinion on who does more around the house and don't get me started on who is more tired / gets more sleep. That's a whole other blog post. 

Rant over!  If you are still reading this far, thank you and well done. 

I'm Not Proud, But Sometimes I Shout

I caught sight of something on Twitter the other day and most things which I disagree with or which I consider to be designed to make people feel crap for their parenting skills I just ignore but I guess this one must have hit a nerve.

It was along the lines of "don't be afraid to say no and set firm boundaries, you don't have to shout at your children" there was more but I got cross and moved on before I committed it to memory. I felt like shouting (yes shouting) "do you think we don't all bloody know that and if life was that easy, we would all be perfect, model parents!"
There were actually two reasons why this post annoyed me. There was the blatantly patronising "you don't have to shout" statement, so let's deal with that first.
I know I don't have to shout. I know it is a sign that I have lost control. I know that on days I manage to keep the cross voice within, my children, well Callum, respond much better to the lessons I'm teaching them. I'm not proud of the shouty me and even as I can hear the cross words tumbling out of my mouth I am shouting (yes shouting) on the inside of my mind too, to stop shouting. It's not going to help and it isn't their fault it's mine and I am more likely cross at myself not the children.
If I hadn't left Millie in Callum's room with all his felt tip pens within reach, of course she never would have drawn on the walls (and belly). How can I blame her, wonderful bright colours there ready to use on a wonderfully empty slate of the painted wall. What child wouldn't be overcome with the temptations and she is 2 for f*** sake?!?!

Disclaimer: Although this has happened more than once (no I don't learn), this may not have actually resulted in me shouting but I am using it as an example. It may have been, I just can't recall.
See I know what I shouldn't do and why but some days I have pmt, some days I've had a bad day, some days I'm sleep deprived, some days I'm just grumpy for no obvious reason and yes I get cross and I shout.
Some days I may have already stayed calm and in control 20 times already and this is the one that makes me snap!
I'm human, so shoot me!
Telling me I don't need to shout does absolutely nothing but make me want to throw stuff.
I even know, after reading a good book by someone clever (reference at the bottom of this post), that what makes me shout is my monkey brain and that it is my human brain that is being muted as it is yelling stop inside my head. Unfortunately, I haven't finished the book so I haven't yet learned how to control my monkey brain so maybe once I have finished this will all be redundant anyway!
The second reason why this comment annoyed me is the bit about not being afraid to say no and to set clear boundaries.
Well sometimes I just don't know what the boundaries should be. I lost the book on "how to set good boundaries and stick to them"...well actually, I never read it in fact and I've no idea even if such a book exists...I am of course being facetious. As we all know there are no rules to parenting and even when we know the theories, it's a different thing to actually put them into action and stick to them 100% and even though I'm on my second time round with Millie, this doesn't make me any more wiser when it comes to knowing what the boundaries are. There are always going to be grey smudged lines that, quite frankly we might need to experiment with before we realise what the boundaries are. There are the obvious ones like don't let your child drink bleach, pulling the cats tail is a no no and playing with knives unsupervised is only going to end in tears but there are some less obvious ones which I don't get to think ahead about and have to make a quick decision as the event takes place. Then after the event, upon reflection, I may decide that my course of action wasn't the best one and next time I'll do something different. Then there is the whole 'picking your arguments' thing. One day you may think that smearing sudocrem on the mirror is unacceptable then on another day you may be more concerned about the fact they are trying to flood the bathroom than a mere bit of mirror image face painting that can just be wiped off anyway!
So successful or good parenting isn't as straight forward as saying 'set clear boundaries', life just isn't that black and white and, quite frankly, I'm not sure I would want it to be.
So no I'm not a perfect parent and yes I do shout but quite frankly I do feel bad about it, I do apologise and I do explain why I shouted. In this alien, forever unpredictable world of parenting, I do know that I am trying my best and stating the bleeding obvious at me to make me feel even more guilty when I don't get it right will not change that!
And breathe! Rant over!
Ref: The Chimp Paradox by Professor Steve Peters

Posted with Blogsy

Imagine!

Where did my imagination go? Which rotten imaginary monster stole it from me? 

When I was a child, although shy and more the one to be bossed about in imagination role play games with friends "Debbie, you're the big bad witch, you have to chase us", I did have and I did use my imagination when I was given the opportunity. I used to like writing children's stories and I played for hours with my Cindy dolls and My Little Pony stable. I took drama at GCSE and dreamed of being an actress when I left school.

When I had my children, I saw myself encouraging them to dress up and thought as they grew old enough I'd put on plays with them.

So what happened? Where did it all go?

Stuart is great at sitting down with Callum to play action hero games with him. Although it doesn't happen often, I love watching them play together.

I encourage Callum to use his imagination by asking him questions, like "where do you think that plane is going?", and then building on his answer and I do similar with the stories he writes but when it comes to role play games I can't do it. 

And this is me, the L&D professional who loves a good role play session when it comes to interview skills or coaching skills. 

If I can do it in my professional life, why can't I do it with my children? 

Poorly Food. What's your's?

Millie Moo is poorly today. She had a temperature in the night and woke a couple of times. She perked up a little this morning and get temp had dropped so I took her into nursery but it was no surprise when I called to check on her to discover her temperature had risen again so I went to collect her. 

Poor little mite is on the sofa under a blanket watching Peppa Pig (I know what a shocking mother I am,  first taking her to nursery after having a high temperature and then letting her watch Peppa Pig) with some beans and toast in front of her. Unable to bring herself to eat it but won't let me take it away. 

Beans on toast with a glass of orange squash was always what my mum gave me when I was poorly and it is what I make for my children when they are unwell too. In fact, it is still what I make myself when I can manage some lunch if under the weather. 

My husband makes me cook him homemade vegetable soup when he is ill which I grudgingly oblige with but rarely silently as I can't ever imagine getting the same treatment back when I'm poorly but that's another blog post. 

What I was wondering is what is your Poorly Food? What do you make for your children or what makes you feel better? 

Cat's in the Cradle

I love music, but what I love more than music is the lyrics. The story they tell swallows me up and spits me out either smiling or in tears or sometimes leaves me determined, powerful, ready to make a stand. 

I have an amazing ability to store lyrics in my head. If only I realised when I did my exams that if I'd put my revision in to music I would've remembered the lot! 

I come from a musical family and I have had exposure to a wide range of tastes and flavours which has left me with my own eclectic music taste across many genres and generations. 

Seriously, anything from Neil Diamond, The Carpenters, to Brian Adams, to BonJovi, The Killers, Green Day, Paolo Nutini, Adele, to Trance, Psytrance, Hard House, Techno to....er...Gene Pitney! Yeah! I know but it reminds me of my mum and happy memories. That's what music does, evoke memories.

Then every once in a while, I realise I've been listening to a song, I know I like it and I've more than likely (anyone who knows me knows what I'm like) sung along but haven't actually 'listened' to the words. 

Well, this has been a long intro to say today I did just that. The song was 'Cats in the Cradle' by many artists, the original being Harry Chapin.

If you haven't heard it, first, make sure you go and listen now, and if you need persuading, this is what it is about.

A man has a baby but is so caught up with being busy with life and work he misses his son growing up. Not stopping to spend time and play with his son but his son doesn't mind or know any different and idolises his dad wanting to be like his dad when he grows up. Then, before the man knows it, his son has grown up and gone to college and has no time for his dad because he has his own life then when the dad has time and wants to spend it with his son, his son is too busy with his own family and own life. Life has come full circle and indeed the boy who wanted to grow up to be just like his dad has done just that.

This song really touched me today. 

How many times have the parents amongst us dismissed their child who wants to play this, read that, do whatever, just wants to spend time with us and yet we are too busy doing probably something that is nowhere near as important as we think it is at the time. All we do is complain about time going so fast and before we know it our little ones will be grown up and moving away and gone. 

My own Dad and I recently shared a conversation about what I do for a job. He said it was the first time he had had a proper conversation with me about what I actually do for a living and finally an opportunity to get to know me. I'm 34 and my Dad feels he has only just stopped to have that conversation. 

"I'm gonna be like him, yeah, You know I'm gonna be like him"

Millie Moo, Look at You!

I've been observing Callum and Millie recently (as you do) and realised how quickly they are growing up! Thought it was about time I did an update here as before I know it the next entry will be of Callum starting work or Uni!

This post will be about Millie, the next about Callum.

 

Millie

Millie is properly toddling now. She is still so proud of herself. She pulls herself up from the floor and does her little zombie-style walk with her hands up in the air to balance her and her knees up to her elbows. Of course, like other little ones, before she has fully learnt to walk she tries to run and there have been a few face plants to the ground with the odd bloody lip but she bounces straight back.

[Children really do have more resilience and are much braver the younger they are - Callum is such a wimp now but used to be just as tough! But then Callum takes after his Daddy ]

Satisfied with the fact she can now toddle, her brain has switched to trying to speak mode - at last. With both children dragging their feet taking their time to do all the milestones I can't help beating myself up that I am the one holding them back somehow.

Anyway, Millie is focusing on certain words and things we say and trying to copy them. She says "goh" with her hands out for 'all gone' and she drops stuff (on purpose) and says "uh ooooh" for 'uh oh' which has moved on from purposefully dropping stuff and saying "no" while wagging her finger. She regularly says mumma and dadda and I'm pretty sure she knows what they mean but it is hard to tell. I try to get her to point to mumma and dadda in a photo or when we are there say "who's that" etc but she will rarely play along although nursery insists she does it with photos there.

We are trying to get her to ask for her dummy and muslin and she sort of says "dede" for dummy and "noonoo" for muslin but then she also says "noonoo" for anything she wants that is out of reach.

She loves pointing to our eyes and nose - and of course we love being poked in the eye and a sharp finger nail up the nostril!! On a couple of occasions now I have asked her where her own nose is and she has correctly pointed to it. Then if you say "clever girl" she will often start clapping.

So even if she isn't saying a hell of a lot, she is at least starting to understand words.

I was worried the other day when I read on a link (while researching at work) that a child of Millie's age should have a vocabulary of 10 words and I'm not sure she has that many but I've heard so many stories of children not speaking until they were 3 or 4 and then coming out with a whole sentence - Einstein being one of them, I think my brother-in-law was another. I’ve heard this is common for second children too as they have someone to speak for them or to get them whatever they point and grunt at. And, us as parents with our hands full and less time on our hands will go for the quick and easy option of just passing whatever it is they want rather than encouraging them to talk. So, in a nutshell, I've dismissed the worries, especially now she is showing an interest in learning to talk. I will endeavour to try to do the encouragement route rather than the easy one.

Millie loves books and will pick one up, turning the pages while babbling to herself as if reading the story. It's lovely to watch and hear.

She helps us (or often unhelpfully) dress and undress herself, putting her arms in the sleeves or arms up in the air to take off a top or pulls it off if you aren't quick enough getting it over her head. While doing the poppers up on her vest she starts trying to put her legs in her trousers. She also tries to put socks and shoes on...not necessarily her own!

She has a nose that permanently streams snot like lava from a volcano and detests you wiping it so will often sport a snake like skin across her cheeks as you try to wipe it and she frantically turns her head while making her distress known. 

She loves baths, happily splashing and swimming and she giggles lots when sharing a bath with Callum (though he likes to have the bath to himself). She also goes to bed very easily: pjs, grobag, milk and story, bed with dummy and mussie, Ewan the dreamsheep on, and off she goes - and usually wont wake until 7am ish. Though there is still the odd occasion of night wake-ups, usually due to teething or, like the night before last, just because she wants to party from 2.30 until 5am!!

I think Millie is going to be our little performer. She'll gravitate to a musical instrument, sing all the time to herself and loves to dance to the radio and mummy's cat squeals beautiful singing.

She is one little cheaky madam who can scratch your face just to see your reaction, throw a tantrum because you wont let her have chocolate for breakfast (another chocoholic in the family!) and she knows her own mind, for sure!

But what I love the most is how she smiles at you and you just can't help but smile back (even when telling her off). She is my (still diddy) little fairy.

Millie in January VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

The Proof is in the Plastic

At nearly 1 year old and now mobile (albeit by bum shuffling), Millie is well and truly at that stage where she is into everything! And unlike Callum who was pretty good really, she really is into everything!

With Callum, we decided not to take the ‘baby-proofing’ approach as we wanted to teach him, however frustrating it is repeating no & distracting them, there are things he isn’t allowed to touch. Thus making it a lot easier (in theory) when visiting houses where there are no children living and no child proofing has taken place.

For Callum, this approach worked so we are hoping to adopt the same approach with Millie too. Though I am sure it wont work for every child and Millie is infinitely more curious and persistent than Callum ever was. Quite frankly, Callum was rather lazy – I hear this is common for boys but I’ll make no comment aloud. This probably made our job much more easier.

One of the best bits of advice I got, which was from my sister, is to allocate a ‘child friendly’ kitchen cupboard, such as the evil tupperware cupboard, which your child is allowed to go in, pull everything out & explore. Thus distracting them from all the cupboards they aren’t allowed to enter.

The added bonus about this being the tupperware cupboard is that, if it is anything like mine, it is always collapsing and falling out of the cupboard anyway as piles upon piles of plastic tries to kill you. It is eternally messy! You tidy it and when the cupboard door is closed it comes alive & jumbles itself up again. So, with your child in absolute glee pulling out plastic cups, plates, bowls & take away cartons (*cough*) galore, you either don’t care about just picking it all up and throwing it back in again if short on time or it gets a daily tidy as you neatly stack it all back in again!

(Yes, rather embarrassingly, that really is my tupperware cupboard!)

So far, this tip appears to be working with Millie too. However, Millie’s refusal to go down the stairs backwards may mean we abolish the no stairgate theory!

Google Search: What should I do, my baby has eaten bird poo?

We had it easy with Callum. It may just be my memory sugar-coating it & so I’m looking back through rose tinted glasses but how I remember it is that if we told Callum “don’t” when he went to touch or do something he wasn’t allowed, it would only take a couple of times of saying this to him & moving him away for him to get bored and stop doing it. We had a cat which meant we had a litter tray and cat food – he only tried to eat the cat litter once and he never went for the cat food. We never got a stair gate because as soon as he showed an interest in the stairs, I taught him how to come down and he was very good at doing so correctly. We were very lucky!

I would have loved to have put it down to our parenting rather than accept we just had a pretty lazy little boy whose curiosity was easily & quickly satisfied. Unfortunately, I don’t think we are going to have it so easy with Millie!

Already, she is into everything even with her limited bum shuffle range. She will not accept “No”, “Don’t”, etc, regardless of how many times we tell her, move her, distract her!

She goes for everything she shouldn’t!

She already has a list of 'gross’ things she has eaten (I say eaten, none of which she has actually swallowed except number 4) which currently consists of:

1. Loves licking suncream, I have to keep the bottle way out of her reach while putting it on but even when I’ve just put it on she starts licking it off.
2. Flipflops, slippers & other shoes – she always manages to make her way to the shoes when I’m distracted! Or best yet, when I’m wearing them! She was going for a man’s trainers at swimming today!
3. Plant leaves
4. Sand
5. Stones
6. Contents of her nappy bin
7. And the best yet – bird poo!

Clearly I don’t let her eat these things, it will be at the first opportunity my back is turn for just a second or while I’m running for the loo. I’ll check she is clear from anything I think she is going to go for and sure enough, I return to find she has found something I haven’t thought of or has wanted it enough to bum shuffle at some speed!

After the ease of Callum, I would’ve called Social Services on myself if I hadn’t have had friends when Callum was little who shared their own stories of weird & wonderful things their darlings had managed to consume. Cat/dog food appears to be a firm favourite. Considering we are just about to get a kitten I’ll look forward to that!

We may have to rethink our no child-proofing “they’ll learn the hard way” approach to parenting for this one!

Please make me feel better – what weird & wonderful things have your LOs eaten…bet you can’t top bird poo!!!

I Want to Crash!

The other morning, Callum and I had a conversation while in the car, similar to one we’ve had many a time before, that went like this:

Me: “Can you stop talking to me for a minute I need to concentrate on driving”
Callum: “Why, Mummy?” completely ignoring my request!
Me: “I need to concentrate to make sure I don’t crash”
Callum: “Why don’t you want to crash?”
Me: [sigh] “because people could get hurt in a crash and then they’d need to go to hospital. It is also very expensive & costs lots of money if the cars get damaged”
Callum: “I want to crash”
Me: “We don’t want to crash because it could hurt lots”

I’m not adverse to talking while driving, unless I am doing something that needs more concentration like driving somewhere I’ve not been before or parking, at which point I politely ask my passenger(s) to pause a moment while I concentrate then let them carry on. But Callum, because of his hearing loss, asks me constant questions but can’t hear my reply so will keep repeating the question until he hears the answer. This then causes me to try to twist my head towards him so he can hear me better and I get exasperated at keep answering the same question 20 times. Not to mention the constant questions is quite a distraction from driving. The easiest thing is to ask him to ask me when we stop the car.

Anyway, on the same journey, just near home, the traffic had started to build up and I could see there was an ambulance and there had been an accident on the roundabout ahead. The same roundabout I had a bump on just before Christmas (Callum was at nursery). The next conversation went like this:

Callum: “Why aren’t we driving?”
Me: “Because there is a traffic jam – the cars ahead have stopped because there has been an accident. A crash!"
Callum: “Did they crash because someone was talking to them?”
Me: “Maybe, I don’t know”
Callum: “I can see the ambulance”
Me: “Yes, they might be hurt and going to the hospital”
Callum: “Can we ask them?”
Me: “Ask them what?”
Callum: “Can we go to the octipool (hospital) and ask them if someone was talking to them”
Me: “No they may be too poorly and need to rest”

For ease of reading, I’ve missed out the many “I can’t hear you mummy” etc and repeats of questions and answers.

Anyway – I just wondered if anyone else has had to tackle a similar issue and how have you prevented your children distracting you whilst you are driving?

I’m hoping the issue will get better when his hearing gets better but in the meantime, I want to ensure we drive safely. At the moment I just keep having the same conversations with him about not talking in the car and it doesn’t make the blindest bit of difference! He does not stop nattering and asking me questions! I’ve tried not answering him but, like I say, he just keeps repeating until he hears an answer getting louder and shouting.

Would love to hear your thoughts, experiences and possible solutions please.

Difficult But Life Saving Choices

Have you added your children to the organ donor register? Its not an easy decision. I can understand that.

Being responsible for yourself, that’s one thing. Saying, hell yeah, if I die you can take the lot, but your child, that’s a different matter! Yet I think it is important to think about it.

What if, dare we even think such a thing, it was my child????? Yes, what if it was my child that needed a heart? They have weeks to live unless some other poor family have to experience their own tragedy and that family then agree to save the life of another child by allowing their child’s heart to be donated. Deep within their own grief they have to make the difficult selfless decision to help another family in ways that I’m sure no one can imagine unless they’ve been there.

Couldn’t I just wait and ‘cross that bridge’ if it happens? Its not a nice thing to consider the death of your child at any time but when they are healthy and still so young...though I am not sure whether I’d be able to make that kind of decision at the point it was actually needed, when I was so full of grief and emotion. So it is a decision I’d rather face now when I am clear-headed.

From what I understand, you still get the final say at the time of the incident anyway but having known I thought it was the right thing to do at one point it may prompt me to think of the reasons why and to make the difficult final decision to go ahead with the donation(s). Of course, it wouldn’t be the decision of just one of us parents, it would be a joint decision so, if one parent was wavering, again, having discussed it and agreed to sign them onto the register could help.

I would then hope I got some comfort knowing that the death of my beloved child was not completely in vain and that part of them will live on.

I wanted to add Callum a few years back but when I first broached the subject with Stuart, theoretically he was for it but wasn’t ready at that point to add his name to the register there and then. It then came up again a couple of nights ago and Stuart asked if the children were on the register. I said they weren’t but I wanted them to be and he agreed that he also felt they should. So I did it, quick, before either of us changed our mind.

Now I just hope we are never in a position where we need to follow that decision through or where we ourselves are facing the prospect of losing our child should a donor not be available.

Maybe signing them onto the register is still a step too much at this stage but at the very least I urge you to have the discussion, if appropriate, with your partner/the other parent to your child(ren). You may be thinking the decision is simple in your head but are you both on the same page? I’m pretty sure you wont want to be having a deep debate on the subject at the critical hour…or minutes.

Of course, I wouldn’t sign up my children if it wasn’t something I was prepared to do myself. I am already a registered organ donor, bone marrow donor and as of this week, I’m now allowed to give blood (you need to wait 6 months after giving birth) so will be finding my nearest blood donation centre right after publishing this post.

After mentioning on Twitter that I had registered Callum and Millie on the Donor Register, a Follower pointed me in the direction of @TobysGift and through that Twitter account I found the blog TobysGift’s Blog, written by a Mum, Sally, who has already had to face this heartbreak and now promotes and supports organ donation. Perhaps you might like to take a read if you are thinking about organ donation.

For more information, to register yourself or your children, please go to the NHS Organ Donor Register or click on the picture at the top of this post.

A Follow-up to Why?: ‘What’s it called?’

In a follow-up to my last post all about the ‘Why? phase’, there is another question that Callum is regularly asking. Thankfully, not as irritating as ‘why?’ but can require a degree of thought before answering.

He has realised that something can have multiple names. Such as a ‘flower’ could be called a ‘rose’ which could then be called ‘Autumn Sunset’. Or that I’m a lady (arguably, I know) and my name is ‘Mummy’ to Callum but I’m also known as ‘Debbie’ to others.

So we now have questions of “what’s that car called?” – oh good, a fairly easy one (assuming I know); or ‘what’s this fork called?’ – hmmmm!

Although, it can be difficult trying to explain why sometimes a fork is just called a fork (my answer: “it hasn’t got another name, its just called a fork!”; Callum: “Why?” – aaaaaahhhhhhh!), I don’t mind these questions as they make me think a little.

I think the reason why the ‘why?’ questions frustrate me so much is because I naturally give a reason when I answer. For example: “Why aren’t we walking Mummy?” “because we have to drive as it is too far to walk”, “Why?”. Then I’m trying to think up reasons for my reasons. Headache alert!

These questions make me stop and think, does it have another name? Is the name we more commonly know it by, its ‘other’ name and it also has an ‘object’ name? I’ve often said, something doesn’t have another name and then corrected myself a minute later. I find these nicely challenging and my answer is usually accepted and the conversation moves on rather than being stuck in an eternal cycle of whys!

I can see where he is coming from in asking them and think its quite interesting. For now, anyway!

Why, oh why, oh why?

I apologise for being so smug! It was never my intention to come across as smug but looking back I guess I was a little. I thought I was so clever! I thought by using my training experience, I had successfully outwitted my child and therefore avoided the much feared ‘Why? Phase’.

Oh how I was wrong! A little later than expected but it is definitely upon us in all its frustrating rahness! (its a word! its my word!).

About a year ago, Callum moved from ‘what are you doing?’ to the occasional ‘why?’ & I rather cleverly, so I thought, would turn the question back on him and get him to suggest the answer first. It actually seemed to work too! He would usually know the answer or would be happy to suggest something and then I would be happy to correct or lead him to the right answer.

As fast as they arrived, the why questions appeared to stop except once in a while where it was appropriate.

I know that it is all about learning and we should encourage the questions and feed their brains with knowledge. But the questions are just utterly infuriating, as I am sure many of you that have been through this yourselves already know.

“Why is it raining?”

“Why is it a 5p?”

“Why is it dinner time?”

“Why is that tree there”

and its non-stop. It doesn’t end with one question it becomes a continuous barrage of why questions, one after the other getting increasingly more complicated to answer or even just pointless! I have actually told Callum he isn’t allowed to ask pointless questions – don’t ask me what a pointless question is, I couldn’t tell you, I just know it when I hear it.

I tried the technique I mentioned above again but there are just too many questions you can’t actually do this to.

Stuart was confident in the beginning that he was going to embrace the ‘Why? Phase’ and take on the challenge to come up with an answer to every question.

However, we have both found ourselves saying why back as our answer to Callum to which he replies in a whine “no, I said whyyyyyyyyy”.

Please let this phase be short! I can feel myself gaining a new grey hair for every ‘Why?’.

The forecast for the foreseeable future is wet, wet, wet.

Callum has been dry in the day (except the odd accident) for some time – probably about 18 months.

When we first moved to Bournemouth, which was shortly after we started potty training, Callum would get up in the night to go to the toilet and  a couple of times he had a dry pull-up by morning - but not consistently so I did not push it or attempt to take away the pull-up.

I’ve been advised and the information you find on Google is that it is not unusual for children of 6 to still be wet during the night and that they will naturally progress to dry nights on their own. It is best not to attempt to try to take away the pull-up until they have had several consecutive dry nights.

Because of this, I’ve ignored pressure from my mum to try to get him dry at night as I was confident he just wasn’t ready.

As time has gone on, Callum’s pull-up has got heavier and heavier and fills so much it leaks – meaning a change of bed sheets. This can happen 3 times in a week and is making keeping on top of washing impossible and I wondered if Callum was in fact just being lazy!

After all, my Mum, like lots of parents, had us all dry at night in a week after being potty trained! Surely, it was worth a try at least! I was already having to do the washing of sheets and was already up in the night for Millie – actually, was I mad? They could tag team!!

Anyway, I got prepared – I layered Callum’s bed with waterproof mattress protector, waterproof pad, bed sheet, another waterproof pad & 2 towels. I explained to Callum that he was going to go to bed without the pull-up that night. He was apprehensive but I explained we would go to the toilet just before bed and he was to go to the toilet if he needed it or hold until morning.

I checked him at 12.30am when I fed Millie and he was dry. Then again at 5.30am I suspected he was already wet. Sure enough, when he woke after 7 he was wet. He didn’t want to get out of bed and seemed embarrassed.

I told him not to worry, we could just try again the next night. When he did get up, he was up beat and said enthusiastically he would try again. Encouraged by this, I explained this time I would take him to the toilet when we went to bed (as in Stuart and I), which I did. He was still dry at that time.

By morning, he was wet again.

He went into Stuart while I was getting Millie up and said he wanted to wear pull-ups and didn’t want me putting him to bed anymore.

It broke my heart and I realised he really wasn’t ready. Normally, I always give these things at least a week and within 2-3 days he’s got whatever it is we are ‘training’. This time, I knew, if we tried again that night we would be putting too much pressure on him too soon.

So we are back in pull-ups but I am hopeful this little exercise has at least reminded Callum that the aim is to try for a dry pull-up rather than being lazy & going for a wee in his pull-up just because he can. At least this might stop me from having to make quite so many bed changes & sheet washes!

Its all about trial & error this parenting lark!

Comparing Chalk to Cheese? More Cheddar to Feta!

Despite repeating the mantra “every child is different” it is still natural, when you have more than one child, to compare! Are they more chilled? Do they sleep better? When did the first one sit up, roll over, crawl etc, and will this one be sooner or later?

You hear stories from friends, family, strangers in the street – “oh the second child is a lot more chilled than the first, they have to be”. “My John was a great sleeper but his little brother, Roger, had us up every night until the age of 20!!”.

So, yes, I’ve been doing my own little bit of comparing since Millie arrived!

Night-time Sleep

My memory of Callum was of the constant battle to get him to sleep through the night but waking up about every 1.5 to 2 hours at the start and every 3 to 4 hours near the end, eventually doing the much anticipated but felt illusive ‘sleep through’ at about 6 months! I considered this quite average. Not “my baby slept through at 6 weeks” wonderful but not “my child still wakes us up every night at aged 3” fear.

Millie, apart from the first few days where she was very ‘typical’ of a newborn, feeding all though the night and sleeping all through the day, it was very early on when she gave me a taste of sleep. Within the first couple of weeks she did a couple of 7 hour stints, then regularly slotted into a 6 hour sleep at night but once or twice going as long as 8 hours!

But that is no more – after playing around with formula versus breastmilk for a while (her and me) she has now slotted into a sleep about 8pm, wake for dummy about 11.30pm – feed between 1 and 2am then feed about 4am. I say “slotted into” like it is some sort of regular routine. She has done this for last 2 nights but still every night can be very different so I hesitate to say it is her ‘usual’ routine.

I will say, though, that she appeared to sleep much better when solely breastfed even when she was breastfed through the night but formula fed through the day I’m sure the 2nd 4am feed used to be more like 5am!

I sometimes wish she never granted me with that little taste – I’d probably feel much better about the wake ups now!

Day-time sleep

For Callum I remember holding him, rocking him, attempting to lay him in the cot, bending myself double so he thought he was still firmly held to me, managing to get him horizontal, gently starting to place him on the cot then “waaaaaaaaaaaaah” – screaming like I was placing him in a bath full of acid!

Trying to get him to sleep day or night on his own, self-soothing was laughable and reading back in my blog it appears I could spend a whole hour trying to get him off for a nap. But I also think I tried to push him into a fixed daytime sleep routine too soon. I still don’t have such a thing with Millie. With Millie, I’m all about the cues – the first yawn & grizzle she is straight up to bed whether she has been awake an hour or 2 hours, she leads the way and I place her down in her gro-bag (sleeping bag type thing) with her dummy in, place her muslin one side, her bunny comforter the other side, draw blinds & walk out the room. I may have to go into her once or twice to replace her dummy or muslin but it really is very little effort. If she is overtired due to missing the cues or trying to stretch her a little longer for whatever reason then I may have to hold her to sleep but even when this is the case, I can usually just get her to drowsy & place her down in her cot. With Callum, I never saw a cue until it was too late!

Feeding

Their feeding patterns appear to be quite similar. Both have hit a 2oz per feed max phase about the same 3 month point. Neither of them ever ‘big’ eaters. I don’t think we ever got Callum up to 8oz and he wasn’t a big scoffer though he would take a bottle nearly every time you offered it, just maybe not take very much. This means, if he had his last bottle a couple of hours ago but I was giving him another as part of his bedtime routine, he would take it. Millie – not a chance! If only half hour before her next feed she will refuse, pushing the teat out with her tongue and batting the bottle away with her hands. She will sleep then wake up at her proper feed time – the little madam!!!

Development

Despite Callum being born 3.5 weeks early, he was pretty strong at holding his neck up and Millie followed suit but, if anything was even stronger than Callum. Her legs constantly wanted to stand & she would throw herself back away from you with such force that you were scared she was going to throw herself out of your hands – you daren’t hold her with one arm/hand when she was upright.

Then very early on she blessed us with a smile, then shortly following a laugh. Her first roll from front to back was at 12 weeks – Callum was 6 months, 3 weeks before his first roll though was very early to sit at 5 months. We don’t know for Millie yet – its too early for sitting.

Of course, its still far too soon to tell how different their personalities are going to be and any further development milestones are unknown. But its exciting waiting to find out.

I think it is not so much that Millie is more chilled than Callum but when she hits the same or similar phases to Callum, I am more chilled about it & know things will take their own course there’s no use getting stressed about it. Apart from the milk consumption – I can’t help thinking if I could just get more milk into her during the day she’ll sleep better at night but – if my memory does serve me right it isn’t necessarily that one will naturally follow the other, I think the sleep came before the milk consumption for Callum.

It will be interesting to do another one of these posts in a couple of months time comparing the 6 months stage.

Callum & Millie both at aproximately 14 Weeks

 

Some Mothers Don’t Have It

Well, less that mother’s don’t have it, I should’ve called it Some Fathers Do Have It but it didn’t have the same ring to it! I guess the titles a bit misleading as what I mean is fathers can have it too – instinct that is!

Its always ‘trust a mother’s instinct’ but father’s can have instinct too and it is often right!

Sometimes it can be easy to bow down to outside pressures, to listen to what other people are saying you should do, because everyone has an opinion – hell, I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it myself to an extent. “Shouldn’t she be in her own room now?”, “Have you tried putting her in her cot for naps?”, “can’t she self settle yet” (with a surprised look like surely that’s back to the basics!), “are you not weaning her yet? Look she’s desperate for food, poor thing is starving.” “She should be going 4 hours between feeds now, is she still on 3”, “my children were all sleeping though the night by now”. Gah! All this pressure can make you doubt your own instincts.

For some, this is all you have to go by, in which case shut out all the other noise and do what your heart tells you (and I salute you for doing such a hard job alone). But for us lucky ones that are raising children as a partnership, why not rely on the father’s instinct too.

An example:

At around 8 weeks, I was feeling pressure to put Millie in her own room at night by family but also my own poor memory. Remembering back to when I had Callum, my timeline is all a bit skewwhiff. I often think we introduced things and changed things a lot earlier with Calllum than we actually did. Its only when I read back my blog that I realise that I am often quite a lot out with timing. One of these occasions was with when we put Callum in to his own room. Not only did I have the timing wrong, when I had tried it with Callum it was quite difficult because he wasn’t ready yet.

I had forgotten all this and was suggesting to Stuart that we put Millie into her own room. Stuart pointed out that she was still quite unsettled in the evenings and could often take a couple of hours to settle in her Moses basket. If I were to put her to sleep in her bedroom, I’d be spending the majority of the evening stuck in her room or up and down every five minutes to settle her. He said the timing didn’t feel right and that we should wait.

I listened to him and agreed to wait a few weeks with the aim to get her into her own room by 12 weeks.

At around 11 weeks, Millie was settling much better in the evenings and so one weekend I suggested it might be a good time to try and Stuart agreed. She settled in her cot fine. We had a couple of nights of multiple wake-ups but on the third night she only woke the once at 4.30am and then the next at 5am. The time was right, the earlier time that I wanted to try would’ve been too soon & probably would’ve been stressful. Stuart’s instincts were right!

The other issue is us mums can often build a rod for our own backs. It can be tempting to take control of everything, enforcing our own techniques onto our partner and then we find ourselves in a situation where only we can put our child down for their naps, only we can settle them when they wake up. Then we wonder why we are doing all the work – we have effectively pushed our other half away. It may not have been intentional but has happened nonetheless. I’ve witnessed it in several of my friends. How are they going to help us if we don’t let them try. I don’t know about you but as special as it feels to have such a strong bond with your Little One that s/he responds best to you, I’d prefer to be able to share that special bond and be granted a break every once in a while.

A child-minder once told me, children soon recognise different sleep routines in different scenarios and can respond equally as well to 2 different routines. For example, at the child-minder’s or a nursery versus at home or when the parents have separated.

With both Callum and Millie I have tried to let Stuart find his own techniques for getting Millie to sleep. It has been difficult at times, not to intervene or take over, but how is Stuart, or indeed Millie, going to learn if you never give them the opportunity. You never know, there technique might actually be better than yours – this did happen with Callum! Stuart’s technique was better than mine so I adopted his method.

Obviously, I am with Millie more often than Stuart so am more likely to pick up her cues quicker so I may sometimes suggest something like, with me she likes to snuggle her muslin on her right side or point out to him a sleep signal I’ve recognised, and there is nothing wrong to suggesting a routine that you both stick to. Agree it between you rather than enforcing your idea. Then step back and let them try their way.

Its good to remember you are a team and a man’s pride can be easily dented if you tell them they are doing it wrong the whole time – I know mine would be so who can blame them.

Two sleeps beyond!

We have survived night two of Millie in her own room/cot. Much of it was the same but it somehow felt better.

After her anti-boob protest and just wanting a snuggle each time she woke the night before, I had decided to not offer to feed her unless she wouldn’t settle or ‘asked’ for it.

The night started very similar to the night before in that she went into her cot at about 7.30pm after her 7pm feed and finally drifted off about 9pm, though she did require a bit more ‘attention’ to get off to sleep than the night before.

Then we headed to bed at around 10.30-11pm but this time she didn’t wake…not until midnight!. So, I didn’t offer to feed her, I tried to settler her in her cot but she wasn’t having any of it so picked her up for a cuddle until she calmed and I put her back down. It didn’t take long, five minutes at the most.

Then, like the previous night, she woke at 2am and again just required a cuddle. As I put her in her cot again, her dummy fell out so I thought she need a bit more comforting but no, she was happy to continue to drift off without any trouble.

This was taking a familiar pattern so I expected the next 5.30 wake but this time she wasn’t settled by just a cuddle so I sat in the nursing chair and she nuzzled towards my boob so I offered it to her and she fed, hooray! No effort from me, completely her request.

I laid her back down in her cot and, after a couple of revisits to pop her dummy back in, she drifted back to sleep until 7.30pm. Unfortunately, my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the alarm due to go off in 3/4 hr so my morning pretty much started at the 5.30 mark but Millie woke happily chatting at 7.30am.

 

Minutes before she woke

This all means that she definitely doesn’t need feeding between 7pm and 5.30am so now we just need to get her to self-settle and continue to sleep through that period. Stuart thinks we should take away the dummy now to encourage her to depend on herself for getting back to sleep and not requiring us to get up to pop the dummy back in. This makes me nervous, but maybe he is right. I am pretty sure she’ll go for her fingers/thumb though. I’m on the side of anti-thumb sucking and pro dummy, as you may have worked out, so I’m not too keen on this but at least her h-Andes are on the end of her Armies (teehee, poor joke!) so she’ll be able to work out soon enough how to use them. She currently likes her muslin and I am trying to get her attached to her bunny comforter which helps. She snuggles them against her face and twiddles them with her hands so we may be lucky in that she just makes use of those sleeping tools.

In addition, we have Ewan the Dream Sheep that I have heard such good things about on order which may be another advantage on the ‘war on sleep’. Looking forward to testing it out when it arrives and I’ll be sure to report back!

In relation to sleep, I have also put Millie in her cot for actual ‘naps’ three times today. Only for 45 minutes to an hour for each (well the first two, she has only just gone down for the third) but I’m pleased at that for a start. The first she woke up happy, the second she was grizzly and really needed longer. Lets hope this third nap is successful and she wakes up happy again.

Y’know, I shouldn’t say this after all the effort we are going to to move Millie into her own room but I do miss her in our room – that space next to the bed where she used to big seems mighty big now!

A Mother, A Friend, A Teacher

Having given birth to child number 2 in August, I’ve recently been giving some thought about the type of parent I want to be and what messages and lessons I want to pass on to my children. What do I want my children to say when they are asked to describe their mother? Do I think I am fitting the description of the parent I want to be?

Honest & Trust

So the type of parent I want to be is an honest mother that is open about my own life and experiences so I can encourage them to be open with me and maybe learn from some of my mistakes though I know they will also need to make their own. I want them to trust me but I know I must earn their trust. I want to be the person they turn to when they are sad or are in trouble. My sister said something recently which I think is often difficult to do as a parent but I think it is important we try. Its about playing the long game.

She said her eldest son trusts her with his mobile phone (he is 13) whereas he wouldn’t trust anyone else. She said he is very insular, an introvert, so it has been tempting to go through his phone to find out what is going on in his life, especially if she knows he is unhappy about something but she has refrained as she wanted him to be able to trust her. If he has taken the step and confided in her she has kept her promise not to tell anyone else so he therefore trusts her. She says she can see him battling with himself whether to tell her something but then will take the courage to open up to her. I want this type of relationship with my own children. I also believe this means being honest yourself. How can they trust you if you lie to them! This is hard as a parent as you don’t want them to mistreat that trust before they know what it means. For example, I want to be able to tell them things that I may not necessarily want them to tell other people or my own parents. But sometimes I may have to take a chance, a leap of faith, to ensure I earn their trust.

Fun & Friends

I want to be a mum that they can have a laugh with. I want to be their friend but also someone they respect and listen to when I teach them wrong from right! I don’t want to be a walkover. Nor do I want to be someone who is always cross at them causing them to remember me as always telling them off. Sometimes I look at myself and how I am with my son, who’s 4, and I feel like ‘Angry Mum’ and worry we don’t laugh enough. I want to be silly and sometimes that may mean I’m ‘Embarrassing Mum’ but perhaps he will forgive me that and laugh with me – as will his sister too when she grows up. This is the one in particular I think I’m failing at and I really want to try harder with. I put on the War of the Worlds the other day and Callum and I were dancing around the kitchen. It was such a lovely moment and I want more! I want him to have more of these moments too!

Respect & Consider

I have tried to live my life under the rule ‘treat others as you wish to be treated’. Sometimes I think I do this too much and I get upset that not everyone lives by the same rule. Stuart says I have high expectations of myself and therefore high expectations of others. However, I’m not perfect, I sometimes judge people or say something which I wouldn’t like someone to say to me but then I like to think I admit when I am wrong and I berate myself for doing so. I hope I learn a lesson and try harder not to repeat it in future. I am quite introspective and am forever analysing myself and my actions. I would like to install the same morals in my children. I don’t want them to be weak (and I do sometimes consider myself as weak) but I do want them to treat others with respect and to be ‘the better man’ in altercations. That others may not treat you how you wish to be treated but that shouldn’t mean you drop to their level – two wrongs don’t make a right. I want them to put themselves in the other person’s shoes to try to understand their actions so that they are better able to respond to them in an appropriate manner.

Believe & Achieve

I want my children to take opportunities. To believe that if they want something enough and work at it hard, they can be whatever they want to be, do whatever they want to do (be it legal and not at the expense and hurt of others). It makes me cross when Callum says “I can’t” to stuff which i) I know he can and/or ii) he hasn’t tried to do. I wish I knew how to encourage him to be otherwise. I try to praise him for trying things and sometimes that works but if he is being lazy there is nothing I can do to persuade him.

I just hope, as both Callum and Millie grow up, I can live by example and hope that some of what I do and teach rubs off on them and they can grow up into people they are proud of themselves and that I can be a parent they can look upon fondly, love, respect and think of as a friend as well as a mother.

I would love to hear what lessons you would like to teach your children and how you would like to be thought of as they grow up. Please do share with me by leaving a comment.

The Six Week Myth

I remember, when pregnant with Callum, everyone warned that the first few weeks with a newborn are hard but it all starts to get easier from 6 weeks. When I had Callum at first I wondered what all the stress was about, I found it relatively easy (well easier than I expected) but by the time 6 weeks came along I was falling apart, regularly breaking down into tears & it all got incredibly hard.

When my NCT mummy friends confirmed that for them things started getting easier at about 6 weeks, I assumed it was different for me because Callum was born nearly 4 weeks early. He slept more in the first couple of weeks so by the time 6 weeks came I assumed this was the equivalent to 2 weeks for most people.

However, here I am again and once more I feel like I'm falling apart. The sleep deprivation is taking its toll, I'm questioning myself with every action as I try to master the day time sleeping patterns (or lack of pattern), Millie is becoming more demanding and I regularly find myself in tears and days fly by in a blink. I find myself hating the newborn stage again! Believe it or not, even though Stuart was I'll in the first couple of weeks, Millie was fairly straight forward then. She slept. I could put her in her Moses basket after a feed & she would happily sleep. Now I am constantly looking for the sleep signals then can spend hours soothing, stroking, rocking her to sleep before giving in and either cuddling her to sleep or placing her in the sling.

I don't want to wish this time away. I love Millie being so small and I want to savour every day with her but it's so hard not to will it to be a month or so on when ones are starting to fall into a routine.

My problems with breastfeeding haven't helped my emotional state but that's another post which I will write after this one.

I know that the less you stress about stuff the quicker things fall into place & stressing about things makes everything seem much worse than it actually is. But when all you want to do is grab yourself a sandwich at lunch or hang the latest mountain of baby clothes on the line to dry but every time you approach such an activity the baby starts to cry & refuses to settle into sleep again unless they are attached to you, it all gets a bit draining.

I have a sling kindly borrowed from a friend and that helps (except when you a busting for a wee). I also know that getting out helps your sanity & usually guarantees one good sleep for the baby but when you are feeling down with the situation and it's raining yet again it's hard to motivate yourself. Again, this isn't helped by the breastfeeding issues as if it's 'problem boob's' turn which is not the most easiest feed to do in public (rugby ball hold) then I can often put off an outing! This time I also have the added guilt of the more time I spend with Millie the more I am neglecting Callum - and vice versa!

But, I do know it's not for ever and before I know it I'll be looking back on these weeks like a distant memory both grateful I won't have to go through it again but sad that my baby has changed so much already & I can't get that time back.

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At 4 weeks new

Millie is now 4 weeks and 5 days old. Where has the time gone. In a blur! (from tired eyes as well as going so fast!)

I'm torn at the moment between wanting to savour each day while she is so small to hoping for this relentless newborn stage to be over so we can have some kind of routine established!

If I compare Millie's progress to Callum's, much of the challenges I'm going through are the same as what I went through with Callum...the unsettled evenings taking ages to soothe to sleep! The put down game where just as you get them asleep, if you try to put them down, they are awake again in seconds or, if you manage for any length of time it will be 20 mins, just long enough to fool you that you've cracked it this time so you focus on a menial task like emptying the dishwasher or more commonly you take an opportunity to try to to fix a meal when you hear those familiar cries and you have to start all over again.

But there are also elements that are better this time round like she will usually only wake the once in the night for a feed and has even managed a couple of 6 or 7 hour stretches which we didn't get with Callum so I should be grateful for getting more sleep however I appear to be struggling more with sleep deprivation this time and guess I have to put it down to age! Things only get harder as you get older.

The breastfeeding isn't really improving yet, in fact it's getting worse as now my nipple has an infection. I'm not surprised, in fact, I am surprised it's taken this long as an open wound being exposed for that length of time is at a high risk of being infected. The breastfeeding advisor has checked my latch and it all looks well except perhaps I wasn't pushing Mille onto my breast forcefully enough so maybe the latch wasn't deep enough. I'm now trying hard to shove her onto my boob and willing this to be the solution and that along with the antibacterial cream, fucidin, that I've been prescribed, my nipple will finally heal. I'm desperate to experience pain free feeding so I can get to the point that feeding is actually an enjoyable experience to some extent or at least to be able to enjoy the convenience of it without dreading a feed! Friends have also advised to try expressing that side for a coupe of days or to go back to nipple shields to let it heal, based on their own experiences, so I may try one or both of those approaches too.

Despite all this it's all made better by the fact I'm getting lovely smiles now. It's true what they say that they learn these skills with perfect timing to make all the crappy stuff seem worthwhile. Three weeks is early for smiling but I know this isn't wind, it's a very different smile. It lights up her eyes and her whole face.

Bring on the next feed and/or sleepless night!

 

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It's only natural!

Breast feeding - such a natural thing, providing for your baby the way nature intended! After all, that's what your boobs are there for. It shouldn't hurt! If it does, the latch is wrong!

BOLLOCKS!

Excuse my language but if this is the case why on earth didn't Mother Nature make the first week after your baby is born 'easy', foolproof in fact, and PAINLESS! It's not meant to hurt they say! You're telling me a mini Hoover clamped on to your nipple isn't meant to hurt? If you are a man, or a woman who hasn't had children or not breast fed for whatever reason, next time you are near a newborn (one you know, I'm not saying a random baby you happen to walk past in the street - that could get you in to a world of trouble) stick your (clean) little finger in their mouth and imagine that your finger was your nipple then tell me that wouldn't hurt!

There is some truth though in that fable - that if it hurts the latch isn't right. After the initial first week, your nipples should acclimatise to the mini blood sucker (& I mean that literally) and shouldnt hurt but by this stage your lovely little leech has had a week's practice of latching incorrectly so the damage has already been done! Your nipple is cracked, red raw, contains open sores! Plus, they say if you know a latch is bad or it hurts, put your little finger in the corner of their mouth and break the latch. Yeah, right! No easy feat in itself! And when they do come away, shouting at your boob in complaint, they pull on your poor tender nipple! OUCH! Then, as if to punish you more they claw at your poor unfortunate nipple with their tiny weeny yet razor sharp nails.

So, "how is the feeding going?" you ask...

I've a nipple with a smiley mouth that shouldn't be there - and believe me it isn't a happy nipple. I've squeezed, sorry 'compressed' my boob until it feels bruised, I've had my nipples pulled & tugged this way and that, every time Millie latches on my right, used to be flat, nipple I have to endure toe curling pain (even once you fix the latch the damage done to your nipple takes time to repair and this still hurts until it does), I'm on my second tube of lansinoh (a little tube of magic) and at £10 a pop I've hardly been using it generously!

So why am I continuing? Bloody mindedness! Last time I managed 4 weeks and was just getting into swing of things as I stopped so I wanted to make it further to the point where it did feel second nature and I could really experience the benefits of breast feeding. Especially since this time I had conquered the first challenge, with the help of nipple shields (meleda), of getting Millie to feed off both sides, unlike Callum, and, yes, I can see myself getting there finally at 3 weeks. My left side is now comfortable with feeding and I think my right side is at last starting to heal! I hope so, I could just be getting used to the pain now (which is still toe curling & often makes me cry out) that it doesn't feel so bad!

One things for sure, I'm pleased this is our last baby as I doubt I would go through it again.

I'm not even the type of person to look down at my feeding baby and feel warmed by the sight and enjoy the bonding and closeness it provides. Sorry, that's not just me.

But rather than focus on the negatives, I need to look at how far I've come!

• I've survived over 3 weeks now already
• I'm no longer 'scared' to use my left side and no longer need lansinoh on that nipple
• I am no longer using the nipple shields at all and haven't been doing so for a week now
• I've only used formula top ups twice (60ml & 60ml respectively)

I do admit though that I am pleased that I've been able to pass on my antibodies and I am certainly enjoying my weight and waistline decreasing at a steady rate not to mention the cost benefits, not having to sterilise and not having to go down and warm a bottle in the early hours, trying to get the temperature right while your baby screams for food.

I'm sorry for anyone who reads this that hasn't breast fed before and is hoping to, it's not said to put you off and it is just my experience. Yours may be very different and I truly hope you are one of the lucky ones that takes to it like duck to water.

But here's my advice:

• Have lansinoh at the ready. It is expensive but it will be your saviour! You can buy it cheaper from amazon than on the high street. In the event that you don't need it or you don't use it all, it is fantastic on sore bottoms too (as in nappy rash). Warm between fingers to make more spreadable then put on bottom before bed. By morning the redness will have reduced! My poor boy's bottom was red raw & bleeding once & this along with drapoline succeeded where all others (there had been many) had failed!
• Do use nipple shields if you have flat or inverted nipples and/or really sore cracked nipples, they really made a difference to me at the start. They say that you shouldn't use them in the first 6 weeks but the lovely breast advisor lady said they had their place & shouldn't affect your supply if you use them correctly. She also advised ensuring you compressed your breast towards the end to make sure your boob was drained to avoid getting mastitis.
• To follow on from the last tip, don't rely on the nipple shields. If you don't 'need' to use them then don't and try to get off them as soon as you can as babies often use a different suck/latch for the shields to your nipple - more similar to that of a bottle teat - so this could affect the latch when you go without the shield and cause you unnecessary damage (as what happened to me).
• Contact your breast feeding support person straight away, even if you think you are doing ok as it is great just to get the reassurance that you are doing well plus they can still give you good tips (stuff I wouldn't have known if I didn't contact mine). You've also made contact which means, if later you do experience difficulty, it won't be so scary asking for help.

Please do share your own advice if you have anything to add.

 

Posted with Blogsy