Truly Blessed – 20 Weeks, 1 Day

Today was our 20 week scan. The scan was booked for 2.15pm. We both had work in the morning so it went very quickly and was nice to keep busy. We then had the afternoon off work as we weren’t sure how long we’d be – last time we were waiting quite a while.

As it happened, we didn’t have to wait long, probably about half an hour max.

I lay down on the bed and get comfortable as the sonographer prepares me and I have my belly button panic. I told her I have a fear about my belly button and she thought I meant seeing it so said “don’t worry, its dark” – the thought ran through my head that surely that was worse then realised she didn’t know what I meant so told her NO, of her touching it. She said she would try not to but might have to we would have to see…eek! After that initial panic, then there is that anxious wait as she puts the probey thing on my tummy for those words “and there’s the heartbeat” and then I inwardly sigh and start to relax.

She was very thorough and spent quite a while going through the body pointing out various body parts and organs and all the measurements they look for, showing the lips to check for cleft pallet, the four chambers of the heart and the valves that take the blood out. I’m amazed, firstly at the wonder of technology and secondly that she can make sense of the fuzziness that is presented to her on the screen in such detail – to me, much of it looks like static! “There’s the stomach, kidneys are there”…er, yeah, of course there is .

Thankfully, the head size was average \o/ and all measurements were good. She had no concerns which was a huge relief. She was very matter of fact going through everything we were looking at so I nearly missed it when she pointed out the stripy bit, which showed three white lines, which showed the three bones (my heart skips a beat) that tells us its a girl!

Wait a minute…she said a GIRL!

I look at Stuart and he reaches out for my hand and a tear flows down my cheek. I try my hardest not to crack up and I just about hold it together so hopefully the sonographer doesn’t notice.

She also said my placenta was good and Anterior which is good – I had heard that this may mean you don’t feel baby moving so strongly and she agreed because apparently the placenta acts like a cushion between baby and me. I regularly still feel baby wiggle (like now on my placenta) but I guess it may be a bit longer before Stuart feels the kicks on the outside.

Unfortunately, she was being a little pickle (the baby, not the sonographer) and wouldn’t, as the sonographer put it, pose for photos so I was sent to enter my bladder. She did wiggle around a bit as a result but still not enough to take any amazing photos but we got 6 OK ones.

After all was done, notes updated and photos received, Stuart told me he’d asked her how certain she was we were having a girl. She said you could never be absolutely certain (which we knew) but that she was 98% sure. Up until this point, I was keeping a little bit of me prepared that there was still a real chance that we could still be having a boy. Of course, there is still a 2% chance and that is still a chance but 2% I’m liking the odds that we will, indeed, have a little girl.

Yay! Girly clothes shopping here I come!!! *Does a little dance*. To say I’m over the moon that it looks like we are having a healthy baby goes without saying – that we are having a healthy girl….that’s just the icing, cherry and sprinkles on the cake!

Finally – here are my most recent (19 Weeks, 6 Days) bump photos:

                         

Still in Denial - 19 Weeks, 6 Days

The time is really starting to fly now, at last. However I’m still in an element of denial. Even with the baby now moving regularly – getting stronger but still not noticeable externally (i.e. Stuart can’t feel it) – I still don’t quite believe I’m pregnant. I guess more so now that I’ve finally got my energy back and I feel much more like me…apart from my inability to bend in the middle! Didn’t like that other body invader that brought with it the bouts of the blues…the sickness I could just about cope with but feeling down really isn’t me!

My bump is sprouting rapidly but I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself. Sometimes my bump is hard and looks every bit the baby bump it is but other times (I guess when baby sits back a bit) it is soft again and I still look oddly fat – oddly as in I’m a weird shape for an overweight person with all the weight up front.

I was pleased though when someone took the plunge today and chanced saying “and I see another one is on he way”. Must have been looking more bumpy than a tubby odd ball!

Maybe after Thursday it will feel a bit more real! We have our 20 week scan. I’m a little nervous to tell you the truth – primarily, as always, about whether everything is ok but also because we hope to find out the sex. I don’t know why this makes me nervous.

Having just done my dowsing crystal to try to predict sex of the baby it started off saying boy to begin with with a gentle sway but then turned strongly to a girl. I guess we shall have to wait and see…

Callum is still being cute where the baby is concerned. Lots of “Hello Baby” and kisses and cuddles. He actually says “I want to cuddle the baby”. He has also started a cheeky way of trying to stretch out bedtime and get a repeat of his bedtime story. When calls of “again” aren’t successful he says “baby read it”. How can I refuse? It makes for a boring story, however, as you have to listen very very carefully to hear baby read it – I basically turn the pages in front of my bump without saying anything.

He he – cruel mummy!

Monkeymoo, Wigglywoo & Fattybumbum–16 Weeks, 4 Days

So, Monkeymoo is Callum. Just a quick update really as I’m pleased to say, there’s not much to report…which is good news where Callum’s concerned! After the strained times of not so long ago when he really was being a little monkey (can think of a few other words for his behaviour too but I’ll refrain), I can safely say he is back to his usual good self with just the occasional monkey behaviour.

He is still swimming and loving it. I’m noticing small improvements each week – not ground breaking but all going in the right direction. He is great underwater but still not very good at propelling himself forward.

We’ve had a couple of lovely days on the beach now that we are starting to get a few more sunny days. Even when it was only 4 degrees the other week we were on the beach enjoying the sunshine making sandcastles!

Wigglywoo – that’d be the belly invader! I had my 16 week midwife appointment on Friday. I’m pleased to report my blood pressure was normal. So delighted about that as that was one of my ‘issues’ when pregnant with Callum and why I was induced rather than allow me to progress naturally when my waters broke at 36 weeks. Also, we got to hear the heartbeat – and it kept having a wiggle while listening. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean I’m feeling movements yet. The MW kept asking if I felt it as it wiggled but I didn’t feel a thing.

I had a list of questions to ask her but it was a mental list so some of them were forgot but I did get most of them in.

I asked if she knew of any antenatal refresher classes. We have enquired with the NCT as they have a refresher course on 21 July but being as it is only 3.5 weeks before my due date, which was when Callum arrived, I’m a bit nervous about booking it if we are unlikely to get our money back if it happens again and we don’t get to go.

She wasn’t confident but she gave me the details of a lady that runs the normal antenatal classes.

I think we’ll probably end up chancing the NCT course.

I then asked her about antenatal (or is it prenatal, I get confused) pilates and she wasn’t aware or any – just lots of exercise classes for post birth which I knew about.

Next was the birth plan stuff, I know its a bit early but its on my mind. Despite the circumstances of Callum’s birth, with waters breaking early and my BP being high resulting in me being induced, there were elements I would like to repeat if necessary this time round.

I was induced with the syntocin (?) drip rather than the pessary induction method. I’ve heard lots of bad stories of people being induced several times and it not ‘taking’ or them being in labour for days. Considering my labour was less than 9 hours from induction starting to birth, I was keen to go straight to that method and asked about the likelihood of that being possible but unfortunately it is down to the circumstances and how dilated I’d be.

I am aware that not all hospitals do mobile epidurals, which is what I had with Callum (not that I could move anywhere as I was hooked up to the heart-rate monitor) so asked if they did them at Poole. Answer was no, they do continuous epidurals which is a constant drip which is kept topped  up. You can wiggle but you are isolated to the bed and can’t pop to the loo. This would mean a catheter, which I didn’t need last time. This, for me, is really disappointing.

Finally, I enquired about whether they do tours of the maternity ward at the hospital or would there be an opportunity to see it – again a negative answer. They don’t do tours anymore because they were too busy. Another blow!

They really seem quite backward here in comparison to the Royal Surrey, and the services offered in Godalming/Guildford.

So that’s the wigglywoo knews and a bit of the me – the Fattybumbum. Not only for my mothers pleasant compliments about how I’m carrying this pregnancy around my bum/hips and how huge my bum is (not that I’m hung up about that or anything)…but also because, within the last couple of days I appear to have sprouted somewhat!

Here is a photo taken a couple of days ago and then one today…

Obviously, there are factors like angle of photo, the second taken just after dinner, the top vs dress etc but even still – it certainly looks like it’s ‘popped’.

And finally, for my big news…I have a job! I’m about to start working 2 days a week working for  Stuart’s company writing training guides and other stuff. Whoop! The first steps to rediscovering me!

As Easy As ABC!

So, I’ve been tagged in another MeMe so here is another chance to find out about the girl (yes in my head I’m still a girl!) behind the blog!

So, this one has been awarded to me by the lovely Tricky Customer (an amazing woman & fabulous Mummy) and is called the ABC Award.

The idea is for me to put a word to describe myself next to each letter of the alphabet! Should be interesting! Here goes!

A ngels

B ouncy

C at person

D oughnut (childhood nickname)

E nthusiastic

F riendly

G irly

H onest

I ndependent

J ogger

K ind

L ove to laugh

M oany

N aughty

O pen-minded

P ersonable

Q uackers

R eiki

S piritual

T rainer

U nderstanding

V ivacious (when you get to know me)

W ino (mines a red…but not when pregnant) – maybe I should have put that under L for Lush

X enial

Y oung at heart

Z onked

Wow, that was quite challenging! Now to pass the challenge to some other lovely bloggers:

mugofdecaf

jowonderwoman

The Life of Kelly, Mum, Employee, Lover

Finding Me Again!

Everyone tells you that being a parent is the hardest job in the world – though often only after its too late and you are up the duff or in the first few weeks of a newborn when you find yourself in a heap on the floor in a mess of snot & tissues trying to remember what it was like to not feel tired – before you decide to have a baby its all, having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you…etc etc.

(This is when I ask myself “why am I doing it again?)

But, to be fair, even if they did tell you, you wouldn’t be able to imagine – its tough in ways that can’t be explained and in ways you can never imagine.

For some, its a natural experience – they were ‘born to be mummies/daddies’ and they breeze through parenthood effortlessly producing well turned out, well mannered, well adjusted individuals and share stories and photos of baking, craft work, fun days out that don’t cost a penny but everyone enjoys. Its so hard for us ‘other’ parents who don’t find parenthood such a natural experience to not compare ourselves to them wishing longingly that we were a supermum like them!

For some of us ‘other’ mums, we realise that being a Stay at Home Mum just isn’t for us! But when you come to that realisation that, actually, you’d rather be working than bringing up your children, you question whether you are a failure? Have I failed at the most important job of them all – when so many others can manage it so effortlessly, why have I struggled, why can’t I cope?

Recently, I have realised that I’m not alone! Recently, my twitter timeline has been full of other parents coming to the realisation and confiding in others that, actually, they’re not sure being a SAHM is all they hoped it would be. They are coming to accept that perhaps it is harder work than they ever knew and they need a break…by returning to work (whether it be part or full time – whatever works for them). After all, there are places and people out there that are full of people that ARE trained to look after children all day – they have college years and certificates to show for it so can clearly do a better job than I can and, after all, they ENJOY doing it! That is their job! They chose to do it! OK, so I know I chose to be a parent too but I also chose a career for myself – I also chose my other life which I actually loved very much and never had any intention of giving up!

My friend recently asked me to review an article she had written about being a mum AND maintaining their individual status. It was reading through this article that it dawned on me exactly why I had become so low.

I look at myself now, struggling to drag myself out of bed every morning, scraping my hair back on a Thursday or Friday to take Callum to nursery. I may put on make-up once or twice a week and often when I intend to add a bit of colour to my face to stop me looking tired and drawn, it quickly slips my mind. All my friends are either members of m family or are other mums like me who I only see with their children. I love them to pieces and wouldn’t do without my mummy friends, don’t get me wrong, but occasionally I want to remember who I am aside from being mum. So when it comes to a childfree Thursday when I do not need to clean or study (that’s my joy on a Friday) what do I do? I have no idea! I mope! I’ve no where to go, no one to see who isn’t a mum – no non-mum conversations to have. I’ve no job to go to and no life outside of being a mother. I’ve lost me!

This is not who I wanted to be!

Working gives me the independence I’ve always craved since a 16 year old girl. I moved out of home at 17 because I so desperately craved my independence. Working gives me a life that is my own – not my husband’s, not my son’s, not my family’s – mine! It gives me my own friends. I enjoy being me! I enjoy putting on make-up, wearing a pair of heels and attempting to look good, for me!

Where did all that go?

When I realise who I am now and everything I am not but want to be, the tears start to fall! Its time to admit it, I am NOT a SAHM! Its time I went back to work! Everyone keeps saying, but you’re pregnant now, you may as well wait until after the baby – and then you’ll be raising 2 so you may as well wait a couple of years. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Please! Someone! Tell me this doesn’t have to be the case. I want to work now, pregnant or not! When I’ve had my second child, I want to go back to work! I will look after my newborn baby and will enjoy my time raising him or her for the beginning of his or her life but as soon as I feel ready I want to go back to work! Scrub want…I NEED to go back to work!

I accept it! I’m taking me back! I’m getting my life back! I’m going back to work!

And does that make me a failure? No! I don’t think it does – it makes me a better person for realising what my strengths & weaknesses are and what makes me happy. At the end of the day, we are also always told “Happy Mum, Happy Child” and I know that I can be a better mum, a happier mum and offer Callum & my unborn child a lot more if I go back to work. But this time, I admit, I’m going to try to get the balance right – I’m going to try to do both. I want to work part-time so I can see if I can be a mum and be me!

Time to open a new chapter! Wish me luck!

Erm…..can someone give me a job please…..?

Oh, and going back to the first paragraph, I have to admit, those people who said “having a baby is such a wonderful experience, you’d love it, having children will complete you” were actually right – I may not be good at being a SAHM but I wouldn’t take back having children for the world. You can’t explain the love you feel for your child and the unconditional love they have for you. It is the most wonderful experience I can imagine!

14 Weeks, 4 Days

Starting to feel very pregnant now. Definitely a pregnant bump there! I measured my bump last week and I had grown 3 cms in about 3 days.

And it appears I’m putting on the ‘weight’ everywhere, especially going by my Mum’s comments last night - apparently my bum is rather huge…thank you Mum.

I’m telling myself its what happens when you are pregnant with a girl, there is meant to be more of a spread than a bump but I suspect it has more to do with the chocolate bars and the luxury hot chocolates (with whipped cream, marshmallows and sometimes even a flake) I’ve been consuming! Again, the bump is quite different to Callum’s all out front bump but it is hard to compare because I started bigger than I started with Callum, by about 11 lbs so I’m bound to look different to then.

I’m trying to counteract at least some of the chocolate by doing some form of exercise. I go  swimming once a week, when Callum is having his swimming lesson. I managed a whole 20 lengths this week and if I don’t tell you otherwise, you may think that is of an olympic sized poor so I wont tell you otherwise…! I am also trying to do a long walk once or twice a week. This week I managed a 30 minute walk which I was disappointed to find out was only a mile and a half but made up for it today with walking over 7 miles!!! Think I might have overdone it today though! It was such a lovely day and, as my parents had Callum for the night before, we wanted to take advantage of our childfree morning so, after a yummy breakfast overlooking the sea at Southbourne, we walked to Hengistbury head and back. Needless to say, I have a few aches & pains now…but so does Stuart!

I’ve also been thinking I’ve felt a couple of nudges in my bladder. I’m not sure that this is possible as most people don’t feel anything until 18 weeks and I’ve felt ‘phantom’ movements ever since I had Callum. I felt ‘flutters’ at about 16 weeks I think with Callum so I know that was early but really don’t think it is possible at 14 weeks, especially considering the baby is only about 8 cm’s long! But twice, when my bladder has been full, I’ve felt an uncomfortable nudge and it is a feeling I recognise from when I was pregnant before – and not one I’ve felt as a phantom nudge. Who knows!? I’ll let you know if it happens again.

Do you mind if its a girl or a boy?

The question I dread being asked. I am not comfortable with lying so I’m trying not to but feel its easier to explain my answer in written form. My answer is controversial and a big ‘faux pas’ when it comes to answering the many stock pregnancy questions you’ll be asked over the 9 months – its not correct pregnancy etiquette I don’t believe. So, here it is:

Actually, yes, I want a little girl!

Will I be disappointed if it is a boy?

Well, yes I will. I wanted Callum to be a girl and was disappointed when they told me he was a boy even though I knew instinctively he was all the time while I was pregnant.

Yes, of course, I want the ‘as long as he or she is healthy’ option. I’m not going to send the baby back if its a boy, I’m not going to love him any less – I adore Callum and would never be without him. There are many positive reasons for having 2 the same sex – same clothes, same toys, hopefully great friends as well as brothers among others. If this one is a boy I will love it with all my heart – that’s not going to change.

I do also appreciate that I am very lucky to have one child let alone get pregnant with a second child. I’m in awe of our bodies and I am, ultimately, grateful for my gifts. That’s simple – no doubt about it. However, it doesn’t change the fact that if I could go to a shop and pick that my choice would be a girl.

Ever since I was little I have this picture of me with a little girl – being best friends, doing her hair, her confiding in me and trusting me as her mother. Yeah I know – chances of that actually happening are slim. We’ll clash, be at each other’s throats, she’ll say she hates me, steal my make-up…or me hers. But its a dream. We are allowed to dream.

Most women have a dream wedding that they’ve planned ever since they were playing with Barbies. That’s just what little girls…and bigger girls…do. I didn’t have my wedding planned out except for saying all I wanted was a bbq in the back garden. Well I had a bbq over-looking the Mediterranean instead so kinda did get my dream but I didn’t have the dress, bridesmaids, flowers, colour etc all planned out since I was little. That wasn’t/isn’t me.

But I did have a dream of one day having a daughter.

I’m sorry if that makes me evil and a bad human being but I’m afraid that’s how I really feel!

If anyone does ask, I’m telling them – I’ve ordered a little girl. I went to an hour of mediumship at a psychic fayre a while back and was told I would be pregnant very shortly and it would be the opposite to whatever I already had. I’ve asked Callum (and of course he is an all seeing wise one…) and he said its a girl. Stuart asked Callum what he wanted and he said a boy so we asked him again if he thought I was having a boy and he said no, it was a girl. So, all is on track for girl so far.

I tried the dowsing crystal and it didn’t say either way – I wonder if it is still too early so may try again just before 20 week scan when we will be finding out sex this time – assuming baby complies!